Being "offended" is emotional manipulation. And it only works if you let it. Stop being afraid of Mommy & Daddy, of being afraid that you might make them mad. You'll actually have a much better relationship.

I grew up UMC and we still never stayed in a hotel when visiting grandparents. They always had 2 guest bedrooms for us and we came often.

Even though I make a good salary now, I just wouldn't visit our parents if we had to stay in a hotel. We have a set amount of money for vacations and normally visiting parents doesn't subtract from that fund. I would be pretty offended too.

Anonymous wrote:I'd love to say no overnight guests. My ILs invite themselves and the one time we already had guests so no spare room and they had to stay in a hotel they complained bitterly about every aspect of the experience. Shock of all shocks, they also complain bitterly about every aspect of staying with us. They are miserable guests no matter where they stay.

Do we have the same in-laws? After they invite themselves for 4-5 days ("Great news! We'll be in your area! Can we bring our puppy too?) do they refuse to help with cooking and clearing up on account of some bogus principle that "guests should be pampered and shouldn't have to do any work"?

So sick of using my annual leave to play hotel maid to them. Wish DH had a backbone. All I can ever manage to do is reduce their stay to 2-3 days.

I have really learned a lot from this thread because I wondered if I was the only one who wanted to stay at a hotel instead of staying at my in-laws!

My DH enjoys having us travel to visit his mom and his sister, both of whom live in very small homes. My DH was raised in a family of modest means, and so it was always unthinkable that you would stay in a hotel. When DH was a child, his family either camped or stayed at other people's homes in various cities. And they hosted lots of people who were passing through their city in California.

When DH and I were first getting acquainted (before getting married), and we were going to visit California, I suggested that we stay in a hotel since I hadn't yet met his family members and therefore didn't feel I should probably stay with them just yet. This gave them the impression that I was "high maintenance." But I genuinely am not high maintenance, and instead was simply doing what my family had always done -- which was to stay in a hotel rather than imposing on someone. In my childhood, we took lots of vacations and always stayed in a hotel even if we knew family members in that town.

Now, with 3 kids, I really dislike staying in their small homes. When our kids were younger, I was reluctantly OK with staying at their houses because it was nice to have a kitchen etc for the kids.

We stay in a hotel, and I find that I enjoy the trip a lot more. (It's more of a "trip" than a "vacation.")

I am relieved to know I'm not the only one staying in a hotel. It does seem to have damaged my relationship with my DH's family (who thinks I am some kind of princess for needing to stay in a hotel.) But they just have a mindset that anyone who pays any amount for any convenience is frivolous and wasteful.

I agree with PP. Some things are not worth fighting about, but it doesn't mean I enjoy them. Thank goodness for anonymous boards such as this to vent!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your house didn't have empty rooms, your guests wouldn't be clamoring to stay there.

Depends on the guest. My mother would insist on staying with us come hell or high water or lack of room. We have made sure to have a guest room simply because it is easier to have somewhere to put her that _doesn't_ inconvenience us rather than having to play musical beds to accommodate her.

I don't get you people who say so-and-so "insists" on this or that in your life. Grow a backbone! No one "insists" anything for me or my nuclear family.

I am the PP you quote. I tell my mother "no" on all sorts of things. You can't even imagine all the limits I have set and all the times I say no to her. As with the children, I choose to pick my battles. She likes staying here and the kids like having her in the house. I would have to pay for a hotel for her as she doesn't have the money for one and she has trouble driving at night so likely my DH or I would have to drive her back and forth. Some things are just not worth fighting about.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your house didn't have empty rooms, your guests wouldn't be clamoring to stay there.

Depends on the guest. My mother would insist on staying with us come hell or high water or lack of room. We have made sure to have a guest room simply because it is easier to have somewhere to put her that _doesn't_ inconvenience us rather than having to play musical beds to accommodate her.

I don't get you people who say so-and-so "insists" on this or that in your life. Grow a backbone! No one "insists" anything for me or my nuclear family.

I would be all too happy to stay in a hotel. Trouble is, DH doesn't feel like it is Christmas if he isn't home with his siblings and their kids all crammed into one house (though he seems to understand his siblings who live near his parents want to go back to their homes at night). I scored a major victory this year by getting him to agree to stay at my mom's for all nights except Christmas even when we will sleep in his parents living room so we can stay up way too late and be woken up way too early. (My mom lives 5 minutes from DH's parents).

Totally agree OP!!

We bought a house w/ extra bedrooms just so we could host - and I'm really glad we can do it regularly. But even then we had to put some parameters around length of stay, notice of intent to visit, etc... And we put up w/ some inconveniences when we have guests, but we love to be able to house everyone.

We have other folks we routinely stay with and it's cramped quarters but we're all happy to compromise. And then there's my parents - with whom we will never stay again. We stay in a hotel. It was hard to draw that line the first time but then they adjusted and now it's just a given that we won't be staying with them.

I, too, cannot understand why people can't be more gracious/flexible/understanding, and simultaneously feel comfortable making the decisions that are best for their family.

Be a grown up for heaven's sake!

Anonymous wrote:If your house didn't have empty rooms, your guests wouldn't be clamoring to stay there.

Depends on the guest. My mother would insist on staying with us come hell or high water or lack of room. We have made sure to have a guest room simply because it is easier to have somewhere to put her that _doesn't_ inconvenience us rather than having to play musical beds to accommodate her.

I have two guest rooms and always send MIL to hotel. She doesn't like it but she can afford it and I refuse to be treated poorly in my own home for the duration of her stay.

Anonymous wrote:I'd love to say no overnight guests. My ILs invite themselves and the one time we already had guests so no spare room and they had to stay in a hotel they complained bitterly about every aspect of the experience. Shock of all shocks, they also complain bitterly about every aspect of staying with us. They are miserable guests no matter where they stay.

What exactly did they expect you to do if your guest room was already taken?

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws don't have an extra couple hundred dollars for a hotel room.
Refuses to take money for one.
I am one resourceful b^%* apparently and devised a scheme where we had "hotel points" that would expire if we didn't use them by (insert date one week after inlaws planned visit) so they would be doing us a big favor by using the points since we hate to lose money/aka points.
The first time I actually called the front desk and explained my pain to the very understanding woman who also had miserable inlaws and promised to back my story to the bitter end, if needed.
They have never caught on and it's been years that we have been doing this.

Bravo!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh but what do you do when your hosts are "offended" that you don't want to stay with them, then get all annoyed when you do? My MIL was one of those people that threw a hissy fit when we wanted to stay at a hotel instead of their home, but then when we stayed with them tried to insist that we handle things like our kids bedtime, naps, etc. on HER terms. You can't have it both ways. If your out of town visitors WANT to stay in a hotel, there may be a reason!

Yep! My ILs are the same. They crowd people into their tiny house and I'm the horrible DIL who dares to volunteer to stay in a hotel...

Me too. Why should the four of us be miserable and not sleep and the other eight people (yes, eight - MIL believes people can sleep anywhere one can unroll a sleeping bag) worry about keeping quiet at night or not doing what they want? We stay in a hotel and we can have pleasant visits. Anyone staying at MIL's can run like horses and scream until midnight. Win win.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh but what do you do when your hosts are "offended" that you don't want to stay with them, then get all annoyed when you do? My MIL was one of those people that threw a hissy fit when we wanted to stay at a hotel instead of their home, but then when we stayed with them tried to insist that we handle things like our kids bedtime, naps, etc. on HER terms. You can't have it both ways. If your out of town visitors WANT to stay in a hotel, there may be a reason!

Pp here.
Then you come up with "hotel points" you will lose if you don't use them by (insert date one week after your planned visit) and tell them you just can't stand the thought of the hotel industry/giant corporations getting your money and you just have to use these points. Load it on extra with the "corporate giants", throw in something about the opposite political party and taxes, whatever you need to do, and do it.