Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I teach my kids that before they say anything, they have to think:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it helpful?

Calling someone fat is definitely not all 3.

is it true = yes
is it kind = yes (lard ass elephant would be unkind)
is it helpful = yes, time for wakeup call, diet and gym for you!

This is great advice when you're teaching kids to interact with other kids in school and in society in general. But are you that controlled around your spouse? I think those 3 things are honorable goals, but what if your spouse does something that lets you down? You don't say it just because it's not particularly kind?

Anonymous wrote:I teach my kids that before they say anything, they have to think:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it helpful?

Calling someone fat is definitely not all 3.

is it true = yes
is it kind = yes (lard ass elephant would be unkind)
is it helpful = yes, time for wakeup call, diet and gym for you!

I believe in complete honesty in marriage.
It actually helps people stay close.
You drift apart when you have too many things you can't say out loud to each other.
It may hurt in the short term to hear a (respectful) criticism coming from your spouse, but it forces you to be an emotionally stable adult in your relationship, dealing with reality instead of expecting your relationship to shield you from it.

Anonymous wrote:I teach my kids that before they say anything, they have to think:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it helpful?

Calling someone fat is definitely not all 3.

I am PP @ 10:48, and this is exactly how I see this.

I don't think the OPs husband should have called her fat in any circumstance.

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the haters. Your DH was out of line and he knows it. It is not OK.

plus 1

Anonymous wrote:I'm in your same position, except I'm the wife. I'm also not particularly bummed, in that my DH's weight doesn't make me want him any less or affect our sex life.

Well, that's very nice for you. Unfortunately, I am not attracted to her any longer. The fat is just too much. I wish it didn't make any difference to me. I do still love her, very much, but I am not attracted.

Anonymous wrote:If his weight started affecting my attraction to him, I would discuss that with him in a non-judgmental way.

How would you go about that? I would really be interested in getting some good ideas for bringing this up in a way which is not "judgmental" or mean. I can't for the life of me figure out how to tell someone "I'm not attracted to you anymore" not coming off like a kind of hurtful rejection.

Anonymous wrote:If his weight started affecting my love for him, I would see a therapist for myself, because that's fucked up.

Oh, no, not judgemental at all!

A guys perspective...

He was rude and hurtful...under any circumstances. Even, "Do these pants make me look fat?" should be responded with some like, "The other pair looks better on you." That said, sometimes us guys need a get out of jail card because we can be so emotionally blind and just screw up accidentally... he may have learned a lesson this time.

Want to share that my DW often talks about being fat and it breaks my heart, I feel gutted. She's a healthy weight and I love those curves... oh how I love loving em! I didn't marry a coat-rack thin, gender-neutral, trophy-wife type of woman... they weren't even on my radar when dating despite the media 'ideal woman'. DW works out, I do to because I'm carrying too, but it's not shifting our extra pounds now we're older.

Please let us know, what led up to it, why and how did he say it? What in you if anything, made his remark hurt so much?

I teach my kids that before they say anything, they have to think:

Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it helpful?

Calling someone fat is definitely not all 3.

Even if its objective, being called "fat" is hurtful to the vast majority of people.

A 3 yo said I was fat and it made me really upset. My husband would NEVER say it, but I also don't go around calling myself fat either.

I know people feel like its just an adjective like tall or white or short, but so are dumb and stupid and we don't go around calling people those adjectives either.

I'd tell him that you know you are struggling with your weight but that's his comment was hurtful and not helpful and you'd appreciate it if he didn't say that again.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4 years to lose it, what have you done? Have you tried eating better? Excercising? For more than a week or two? If you've given it a real try, but can't lose it, it's a pretty mean thing to say. If you haven't really tried, but just complain that you're fat, it's a correct thing to say

It might be a "correct" thing to say, but it's not kind.

Well its possibly the kick in the pants the OP needs. (different PP here). Everyone can eat better, eat less crap, exercise more and have more self-discipline. You are the only one who can do it, for yourself and for your future health which is really about being able to look after yourself and your family.

Why not make this the starting point of fixing your weight OP?

I have a friend who has been working on her weight issue for the past 18 months. I had an email from her last week saying she had reached her target of losing 105 lbs. That is a huge accomplishment and I'm so proud of her and she feels great too.

Anonymous wrote:4 years to lose it, what have you done? Have you tried eating better? Excercising? For more than a week or two? If you've given it a real try, but can't lose it, it's a pretty mean thing to say. If you haven't really tried, but just complain that you're fat, it's a correct thing to say

It might be a "correct" thing to say, but it's not kind.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm fat, and I say that as a neutral descriptor. I'm not denigrating myself. I carry a lot of adipose tissue. So I'm fat. I could hear my husband saying, "My wife is fat, and I love her a lot" and it wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurtful because it is true and he's not insulting me or denigrating me.

So, you are fat, and your husband called you fat. The question is, did he say it in a hurtful way? Did he say it to be mean? Was his tone derisive? What was the context?

There's nothing inherently wrong with being called fat, but there is something wrong with a person being intentionally mean - what actually happened?

I am a DH, and my DW is fat and it is weight she gained during pregnancy which she hasn't been able to lose. She was pudgy or "curvy" before and then packed on a good bit and hasn't lost any.

She regularly complains she's fat, and I regularly tell her she's not really and it's fine and she will eventually lose the weight. It is a lie, and I think we both know it, but saying anything else would be deemed hurtful, I think. I'm bummed, but I don't see a way out of this corner...I just hope it gets better.

I'm in your same position, except I'm the wife. I'm also not particularly bummed, in that my DH's weight doesn't make me want him any less or affect our sex life. I am only really concerned about it in so far as it's an actual health issue and it affects his self esteem. We both know that when he says, "I'm so fat" what he's really looking for is reassurance that I still love him even with the extra 25 pounds. We both know that we gained a bunch of weight a few years ago and haven't been able to lose 100% of it. We also both know that I'm motivated to lose by exercising portion control and going to the gym and he's just not motivated like that.

If he asks for constructive criticism or advice, I'm happy to provide it in a clinical, non-judgmental way. If what he wants is reassurance that I love him and am attracted to him, I'm happy to provide that as well. If his weight started affecting my attraction to him, I would discuss that with him in a non-judgmental way. If his weight started affecting my love for him, I would see a therapist for myself, because that's fucked up.

Your husband is an ass! Don't listen to these women, OP. There is nothing constructive about someone telling you that you are fat.

4 years to lose it, what have you done? Have you tried eating better? Excercising? For more than a week or two? If you've given it a real try, but can't lose it, it's a pretty mean thing to say. If you haven't really tried, but just complain that you're fat, it's a correct thing to say

Please, OP. Can you get past the delivery of the message and accept the truth of it? Since you agree with him, can you take this moment constructively and do something about your shape, instead of resenting your husband's choice of words and/or tone?

I know it's always hard to hear criticism. But at the end of the day, words are just words. "Fat" should not be a taboo swear word. Nobody should have to dance around the concept and be afraid to speak up or walk on eggshells around losing weight and keeping fit. We are talking about your longevity and quality of life here.

DH and I speak directly to each other. So much less drama this way.