Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 12:06     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
If my DH acted like that around my family, he would not be my DH anymore.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 10:37     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Spent TG with DH and my family. I don't enjoy the holidays when he comes to my family. I don't think he does either. He seems so uncomfortable/bored/annoyed/whatever and I find it exhausting to try to figure out what is going on with him/appease him/try to make him comfortable. Doing all this makes my holiday time at home somewhere close to miserable. On the flip side, I can't say that I particularly enjoy the holidays we spend with his family either. The difference is, I think I do a MUCH better job of having a poker face about the whole thing. I was thinking over the last couple days that I would much much much rather have spent TG with my family, he spend it with his, and we reunite after a few days with our respective families. There was nothing about TG dinner that made me think MAN I am so happy to be sitting next to DH right now...or....It would't feel like TG if DH weren't here. Nope, didn't think any of that.

Am i alone on this?


Ask yourself why are you trying to figure this out/trying to "appease him?"

He's not a toddler; he can use his words. Otherwise, ignore him. If he pouts, that's his problem.


I try to figure it out bc it becomes my problem. He gets totally withdrawn and ignores me. My fam wonders what's wrong with him and if they aren't being hospitable enough. Sometimes I say f it and ignore him. Then I feel alone and still feel like either way the holiday has been shitty.


Wow OP, you have described my husband. We have the same dynamic. My family tries, but dh is what they call "hard to entertain." I feel bad because they really are trying to make him happy. Like you, if I don't try, then I lose all connection with him.

Over the years, my dh has mellowed out somewhat. Or maybe he has just figured out that if he holes up in the guest bedroom in the basement watching tv and playing on his computer/ipad, we are all fine with that. He comes up for meals and we invite him on all walks and other outings (which he declines).

Before kids, we had a lot of separate holidays. The funny thing is that he has no better time with his own family than he has with mine.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 09:59     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
This is one of those things that is widely outside the accepted social norms. Yet, if both parties are OK with it (and I mean truly and really OK with it), it's something a couple can decide. But too many such things widely outside accepted social norms -- and the marriage itself might be problematic.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 06:58     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:We have an amazing marriage, but I too would like to spend holidays separate. It's irrational and unreasonable, but I just want to spend every single holiday with my parents. I only get to see my parents every other Christmas and it sucks. I see how much DH loves seeing his parents and family at holidays and know he'd prefer every holiday with his too.


Let go over the date - see your parents each holiday but some years Chrisas with them may be the 28th or the 22nd depending on how far apart the in laws live. Budget and plan for it if it is important to you both.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2015 01:54     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
yes I would love to spend holidays separately. In fact, as much time as I could - in general
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2015 22:50     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:I say do what works for you. Married couples sleep in separate beds and claim that is makes for a better marriage. Try it out.


-1! Do yourself a favor, OP: if you feel this way now, skip the kids and go straight to divorce court. It will not get better.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2015 22:46     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Op is your dh connected to you at home?
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2015 22:22     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way, OP. My DH is so miserable through the holidays and makes no effort to hide it. And nothing I try makes it better. I'm so sick of walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around his moods. The only difference is he's no happier at home. He just hates the holidays. Actually he pretty much hates our life.



Yes. This sounds like my DH. Perpetually in a bad mood and pissy all the time.


Me too. He sucks the fun out of everything. Never marry someone with an effed up family.


This makes me so sad. I'm the wife with the effed up family and I feel so guilty that because of me my kids don't get the storybook Christmas and my husband doesn't get the big extended family do. But what are you suggesting? That everyone with an effed up family should never seek to get married because it wouldn't be fair to the other participants? So in order to spare you the drama people like me should spend the rest of their lives alone? That hardly seems fair.


Life in not fair.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2015 18:41     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
What exactly does he do that bothers you so much?
His behavior does not reflect on you. You certainly do not need to appease him! If there truly was something to appease, as in your family was insulting him, you should leave with him and not spend Thanksgiving with your family, right?

So let him be grumpy, sit elsewhere and enjoy yourself. If he really makes himself a nuisance for no reason, he's not really good husband material and you probably need a serious talk and counseling.


So agree.

If your family is being friendly and he's still being withdrawn and grumpy, then you ignore him. Tell your family you don't know what's going on with him. Stop taking responsibility for his bad behavior. If he can't articulate his issues, then that's his problem.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2015 14:09     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way, OP. My DH is so miserable through the holidays and makes no effort to hide it. And nothing I try makes it better. I'm so sick of walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around his moods. The only difference is he's no happier at home. He just hates the holidays. Actually he pretty much hates our life.



Yes. This sounds like my DH. Perpetually in a bad mood and pissy all the time.


Me too. He sucks the fun out of everything. Never marry someone with an effed up family.


This makes me so sad. I'm the wife with the effed up family and I feel so guilty that because of me my kids don't get the storybook Christmas and my husband doesn't get the big extended family do. But what are you suggesting? That everyone with an effed up family should never seek to get married because it wouldn't be fair to the other participants? So in order to spare you the drama people like me should spend the rest of their lives alone? That hardly seems fair.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2015 12:50     Subject: Re:Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
OP, have you called out your DH on his bad behavior? What does he say?
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2015 12:48     Subject: Re:Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
This isn't a holiday problem, it's a husband problem.

From what you've described, your husband is moody and you have to walk on eggshells around him and he generally doesn't give a shit how his behavior is affecting others or how uncomfortable he is making others. It doesn't sound like you have kids. If you do have them, this quality will be magnified under the stress of kids and you will be utterly miserable on a daily basis. Been there.

Anonymous
Post 11/30/2015 12:45     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
We have an amazing marriage, but I too would like to spend holidays separate. It's irrational and unreasonable, but I just want to spend every single holiday with my parents. I only get to see my parents every other Christmas and it sucks. I see how much DH loves seeing his parents and family at holidays and know he'd prefer every holiday with his too.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2015 12:42     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way, OP. My DH is so miserable through the holidays and makes no effort to hide it. And nothing I try makes it better. I'm so sick of walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around his moods. The only difference is he's no happier at home. He just hates the holidays. Actually he pretty much hates our life.



Yes. This sounds like my DH. Perpetually in a bad mood and pissy all the time.


Me too. He sucks the fun out of everything. Never marry someone with an effed up family.
Anonymous
Post 11/29/2015 22:01     Subject: Anyone else not want to spend future holidays with spouse?

What exactly does he do that bothers you so much?
His behavior does not reflect on you. You certainly do not need to appease him! If there truly was something to appease, as in your family was insulting him, you should leave with him and not spend Thanksgiving with your family, right?

So let him be grumpy, sit elsewhere and enjoy yourself. If he really makes himself a nuisance for no reason, he's not really good husband material and you probably need a serious talk and counseling.