Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 11:57     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
Anonymous wrote:I'd love my MIL to come over with 5 dishes! Saves me time and energy from having to do everything myself. I don't see what the problem is OP


Your reading comprehension?

OP, go away next year. I usually wonder why someone's DH isn't stepping up, but it seems as though he's warned you that his mother is a lost cause and has been waiting for you to come around. Lesson learned now, right?
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 10:41     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
I'd love my MIL to come over with 5 dishes! Saves me time and energy from having to do everything myself. I don't see what the problem is OP
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 10:24     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the replies. For what it's worth, I served her dishes and gritted my teeth and made an extra effort to be kind to her. But I really appreciate the people who "get it" and empathized.

FWIW, Mac and cheese is not a traditional food in my DH's family. She brought it because she has heard that my DS is on a Mac and cheese kick lately and she wanted to bring him something that was his favorite. Since she knew I was cooking all day and she was asked to bring dessert, can you not see that it's an inconsiderate thing to do?

The history is, it's more than inconsiderate. It's controlling and usurping. But you'd sort of have to know MIL to know that. I'm just sick of it. They are here every Sunday and she could have brought the Mac and cheese any time, but she wanted to be the one who cooked what my DS ate yesterday.

My DH always just wants to go away, the 3 of us, on holidays because he can't deal with his family and because he wants to avoid any conflicts with his mom. I have always wanted holidays to be big extended family occasions but now that my parents and others are gone, I might just abandon the idea. DH doesn't enjoy his family and I see why. I don't enjoy them either. So I may just have to adjust what "holidays" now mean.


OP you totally have an out if DH is fine with going away. Of course you could always tell everyone you are going away and then not! To make you feel better, bravo for getting through it. My MIL is the exact opposite - she arrived several days ago, sat on her rear the entire day and evening. Did not help me once in the kitchen - I cooked everything. She didn't help clear the table, clean, nothing. She acted like a hostess when our guests arrived which really gets on my nerves. After the guests left, she went to bed and left me to clean up. A piece of work, but like you I got through it!
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 09:13     Subject: Re:Auuuugh my MIL

Glad you got through it, OP. You are one of the lucky ones; your DH has the same read on his family's dynamics.

Sometimes a spouse's family can step in and fill the void when the other spouse has lost their own family members. On the other hand, difficult in-laws will never fill that void because they just make things worse.

Yea, it's probably time to rethink your holiday plans. You can always restart extended family Thanksgivings later.

And FWIW, your MIL could have saved the mac and cheese for today.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 08:46     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
OP here. Thanks for the replies. For what it's worth, I served her dishes and gritted my teeth and made an extra effort to be kind to her. But I really appreciate the people who "get it" and empathized.

FWIW, Mac and cheese is not a traditional food in my DH's family. She brought it because she has heard that my DS is on a Mac and cheese kick lately and she wanted to bring him something that was his favorite. Since she knew I was cooking all day and she was asked to bring dessert, can you not see that it's an inconsiderate thing to do?

The history is, it's more than inconsiderate. It's controlling and usurping. But you'd sort of have to know MIL to know that. I'm just sick of it. They are here every Sunday and she could have brought the Mac and cheese any time, but she wanted to be the one who cooked what my DS ate yesterday.

My DH always just wants to go away, the 3 of us, on holidays because he can't deal with his family and because he wants to avoid any conflicts with his mom. I have always wanted holidays to be big extended family occasions but now that my parents and others are gone, I might just abandon the idea. DH doesn't enjoy his family and I see why. I don't enjoy them either. So I may just have to adjust what "holidays" now mean.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 08:29     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
You said you talked to your husband before this holiday began. Did he talk to his mother? What did he say?
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 08:09     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Maybe your cooking sucks--or you are trying to hard to be fancy eliminating traditional/comfort t-giving foods-- and she is bringing the sides so that everyone can enjoy t-giving.


If you don't like what someone is serving, you are welcome to turn down their invitation, but if you accept the invitation and bring something that needs to be eaten immediately that is rude. To bring multiple dishes is shockingly rude. If MIL doesn't feel that it can be Thanksgiving without Mac N Cheese :eyeroll: then she is welcome to serve mac n cheese--AT HER HOUSE! She does not get to serve essentially a second meal alongside the one prepared by her hostess.

OP, as always with MIL issues, this is really a husband issue. You said it in your post--the problem os that he won't hurt mom's feelings, but wife can just suffer. If he really feels that way, then he will have plenty of time to spend at mom's house after your impending divorce, but I suspect that he just doesn't get it. You need to get into counseling. I am sure that some of the time the solution will be for YOU to pick your battles, etc., but even if you swallow the annoyance constantly with MIL, the fact that you don't feel supported in your marriage isn't going away.
It was sarcasm. Unclench.


It wasn't clearly sarcasm, nor was it funny. You added nothing to this thread.--NP
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 02:15     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
It's thanksgiving. Someone brought extra sides. How is this even a story?

I'm very sorry about your mom. All the"firsts" are very hard. It does get better, slowly.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 01:59     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Maybe your cooking sucks--or you are trying to hard to be fancy eliminating traditional/comfort t-giving foods-- and she is bringing the sides so that everyone can enjoy t-giving.


If you don't like what someone is serving, you are welcome to turn down their invitation, but if you accept the invitation and bring something that needs to be eaten immediately that is rude. To bring multiple dishes is shockingly rude. If MIL doesn't feel that it can be Thanksgiving without Mac N Cheese :eyeroll: then she is welcome to serve mac n cheese--AT HER HOUSE! She does not get to serve essentially a second meal alongside the one prepared by her hostess.

OP, as always with MIL issues, this is really a husband issue. You said it in your post--the problem os that he won't hurt mom's feelings, but wife can just suffer. If he really feels that way, then he will have plenty of time to spend at mom's house after your impending divorce, but I suspect that he just doesn't get it. You need to get into counseling. I am sure that some of the time the solution will be for YOU to pick your battles, etc., but even if you swallow the annoyance constantly with MIL, the fact that you don't feel supported in your marriage isn't going away.
It was sarcasm. Unclench.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 01:45     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
Anonymous wrote:Maybe your cooking sucks--or you are trying to hard to be fancy eliminating traditional/comfort t-giving foods-- and she is bringing the sides so that everyone can enjoy t-giving.


If you don't like what someone is serving, you are welcome to turn down their invitation, but if you accept the invitation and bring something that needs to be eaten immediately that is rude. To bring multiple dishes is shockingly rude. If MIL doesn't feel that it can be Thanksgiving without Mac N Cheese :eyeroll: then she is welcome to serve mac n cheese--AT HER HOUSE! She does not get to serve essentially a second meal alongside the one prepared by her hostess.

OP, as always with MIL issues, this is really a husband issue. You said it in your post--the problem os that he won't hurt mom's feelings, but wife can just suffer. If he really feels that way, then he will have plenty of time to spend at mom's house after your impending divorce, but I suspect that he just doesn't get it. You need to get into counseling. I am sure that some of the time the solution will be for YOU to pick your battles, etc., but even if you swallow the annoyance constantly with MIL, the fact that you don't feel supported in your marriage isn't going away.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 01:25     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
Maybe your cooking sucks--or you are trying to hard to be fancy eliminating traditional/comfort t-giving foods-- and she is bringing the sides so that everyone can enjoy t-giving.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 00:31     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
Just let her put out her dishes along side yours. Who cares?

And FYI Mac and cheese is a classic thanksgiving dish. Wouldn't feel like thanksgiving to me without Mac n cheese.

I wouldn't do what yr mil is doing but honestly I think you should just go with the flow.
Anonymous
Post 11/27/2015 00:15     Subject: Re:Auuuugh my MIL
I get you, OP. My mom died in 2012 and holidays just aren't the same. My MIL, unlike yours, basically just shows up and expects to be waited on. Today she brought her dog, which sh*t on the rug (and then stepped in it and mushed it in) as soon as she entered the house. My sister cleaned it up and MIL didn't even say thank you. She does not help with cooking or cleanup; waits for my DH to serve her dessert, make her drinks, etc... She's mentally exhausting and I try to ignore, but she just talks and talks and talks.

Wine can only help so much.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2015 23:51     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
If I were you I'd kick up my feet , snuggle with dh, play with my baby , and let her. You deserve a break. Sorry about your mom.
Anonymous
Post 11/26/2015 23:05     Subject: Auuuugh my MIL
OK, so I am a DIL too. My MIL loves to cook. I absolutely let her be the "Queen of the Kitchen". She cooks and I praise her, and everyone is happy. I do not want a power struggle over these kinds of domestic issues.