Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 16:43     Subject: Re:What if my DH finds out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
suenelson wrote:Your post is very interesting since it's likely an unfamiliar culture to most people on this forum. Mind if I ask some more questions?

- Are there specific consequences outlined for having a boyfriend before marriage?
- I assume the consequences will be worse if your husband finds out without you telling him because you'll be hiding the truth?
- Is it also a sin for a man to have a girlfriend before marriage?
- Do you still live in that country or are you in the U.S.?

I don't want to judge. And normally I'm not "Woman Power!" But if you think objectively - setting aside religion, culture, and any other pre-defined expectations - and you observe that your freedom is restricted or more restricted than your husbands, I just want to encourage you be strong and confident in yourself. How that strength manifests into action is up to you. Since you're posting this on a blog, I assume you are already a pretty free spirit compared to many in your culture.

Also, it's tough to be in a marriage if you're afraid of your husband or his reaction to something in your past. Marriage should be based on love, which covers over any wrongs from before - also communication, respect, etc.

- Sue
My blog: Women and Sexuality


Having a boyfriend means the girl is not cultured and not virgin
Its not a sin for a man to have a girlfriend before marriage
I now live in US


OMG this is obviously a troll! Muslim men and Muslim women BOTH can't have relationships before marriage.


If you think this rule is enforced equally you're delusional.


I don't agree that it's not a sin for men. In the religious sense IT IS a sin.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 16:36     Subject: What if my DH finds out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For all of you idiots minimizing her concern, in some cultures, most notably Islamic culture, adultery is punishable by death. Honor killings are also a thing. And they happen here, too.


This is an exaggeration after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids I don't think this will happen.


I certainly hope you're right, but if you think there is a statute of limitations on the perceived slight that results in honor killings you're kidding yourself.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 16:32     Subject: Re:What if my DH finds out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
suenelson wrote:Your post is very interesting since it's likely an unfamiliar culture to most people on this forum. Mind if I ask some more questions?

- Are there specific consequences outlined for having a boyfriend before marriage?
- I assume the consequences will be worse if your husband finds out without you telling him because you'll be hiding the truth?
- Is it also a sin for a man to have a girlfriend before marriage?
- Do you still live in that country or are you in the U.S.?

I don't want to judge. And normally I'm not "Woman Power!" But if you think objectively - setting aside religion, culture, and any other pre-defined expectations - and you observe that your freedom is restricted or more restricted than your husbands, I just want to encourage you be strong and confident in yourself. How that strength manifests into action is up to you. Since you're posting this on a blog, I assume you are already a pretty free spirit compared to many in your culture.

Also, it's tough to be in a marriage if you're afraid of your husband or his reaction to something in your past. Marriage should be based on love, which covers over any wrongs from before - also communication, respect, etc.

- Sue
My blog: Women and Sexuality


Having a boyfriend means the girl is not cultured and not virgin
Its not a sin for a man to have a girlfriend before marriage
I now live in US


OMG this is obviously a troll! Muslim men and Muslim women BOTH can't have relationships before marriage.


If you think this rule is enforced equally you're delusional.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 16:32     Subject: What if my DH finds out?
Anonymous wrote:For all of you idiots minimizing her concern, in some cultures, most notably Islamic culture, adultery is punishable by death. Honor killings are also a thing. And they happen here, too.


This is an exaggeration after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids I don't think this will happen.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 16:21     Subject: What if my DH finds out?
I would just deny it. Say the guy was delusional. He was in love with you and wanted to marry you etc etc.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 16:20     Subject: Re:What if my DH finds out?
Anonymous wrote:
suenelson wrote:Your post is very interesting since it's likely an unfamiliar culture to most people on this forum. Mind if I ask some more questions?

- Are there specific consequences outlined for having a boyfriend before marriage?
- I assume the consequences will be worse if your husband finds out without you telling him because you'll be hiding the truth?
- Is it also a sin for a man to have a girlfriend before marriage?
- Do you still live in that country or are you in the U.S.?

I don't want to judge. And normally I'm not "Woman Power!" But if you think objectively - setting aside religion, culture, and any other pre-defined expectations - and you observe that your freedom is restricted or more restricted than your husbands, I just want to encourage you be strong and confident in yourself. How that strength manifests into action is up to you. Since you're posting this on a blog, I assume you are already a pretty free spirit compared to many in your culture.

Also, it's tough to be in a marriage if you're afraid of your husband or his reaction to something in your past. Marriage should be based on love, which covers over any wrongs from before - also communication, respect, etc.

- Sue
My blog: Women and Sexuality


Having a boyfriend means the girl is not cultured and not virgin
Its not a sin for a man to have a girlfriend before marriage
I now live in US


OMG this is obviously a troll! Muslim men and Muslim women BOTH can't have relationships before marriage.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 16:14     Subject: What if my DH finds out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP I am a white American so I don't share your cultural background. And perhaps my marriage isn't what you are anticipating either, but to me the entire foundation of marriage is trust. I trust that my DH will be loyal and faithful to me even though I am, like all people, flawed. (And vice versa). I'm not sure how you can build a solid life with someone while being afraid they might see your flaws, that they might find out you are human.

In my mind, he would have to be a pretty terrible DH to react terribly to news that you dated 3 boys in your past.


I am guess this is more than just "dating". OP's DH likely thinks he married a virgin.


I was a virgin when I got married. But I am 100% sure he won't believe me



But you stated that having a boyfriend (intercourse irrelevant?) in your culture means that you are not a "virgin". Agree with the other posters that there is no sense worrying about it now, but if you really think that he may find out its best to just tell him about your past. Hopefully he is more enlighten - only you can know how he will react. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 16:13     Subject: What if my DH finds out?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My biggest fear is that what if my DH founds out that I had 3 boyfriends before I got married to him? Please note that I come from a country where girls having BF before marriage is considered a sin
Anyone else in the same boat?


Which country?


OP here! I don't want to share this information


It's pretty relevant to the responses. Makes you sound a bit trollish not to want to share. It's not as if this area/country isn't full of women from EVERY country around the world, so it's not as if you're going to accidentally out yourself. To add to that, you'll get better advice. Pakistan isn't Saudi Arabia isn't Oman.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 16:08     Subject: What if my DH finds out?
OP don't worry about it. my advice is to GET OFF OF FACEBOOK
MikeL
Post 11/17/2015 15:56     Subject: Re:What if my DH finds out?
These kind of questions make me so happy that I don't live in a country like that.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 15:46     Subject: What if my DH finds out?
Anonymous wrote:For all of you idiots minimizing her concern, in some cultures, most notably Islamic culture, adultery is punishable by death. Honor killings are also a thing. And they happen here, too.


I was going to guess Saudi Arabia.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 15:32     Subject: Re:What if my DH finds out?
If you have been married for 10 years and you now live in the US, why are you worrying now that your DH will find out? I'm assuming that you dated these men in your home country? If you dated them here, did circumstances change recently that you or your husband will come in contact with one of these men? I'm confused as to why you think your DH will find out now.
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 14:56     Subject: Re:What if my DH finds out?
Op here! Just wanted to add that I had relationships since I was going through a emotional breakdown in my life which again I don't want to share. Relationships helped me to be stronger. The guys were pursuing me for a long time but got hold of me during my emotional time.
I broke off with them as soon as I was out of my breakdown. I know I sound selfish but in my country, we don't have therapist to discuss ur problems. This was the only thing that helped
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 14:51     Subject: Re:What if my DH finds out?
suenelson wrote:Your post is very interesting since it's likely an unfamiliar culture to most people on this forum. Mind if I ask some more questions?

- Are there specific consequences outlined for having a boyfriend before marriage?
- I assume the consequences will be worse if your husband finds out without you telling him because you'll be hiding the truth?
- Is it also a sin for a man to have a girlfriend before marriage?
- Do you still live in that country or are you in the U.S.?

I don't want to judge. And normally I'm not "Woman Power!" But if you think objectively - setting aside religion, culture, and any other pre-defined expectations - and you observe that your freedom is restricted or more restricted than your husbands, I just want to encourage you be strong and confident in yourself. How that strength manifests into action is up to you. Since you're posting this on a blog, I assume you are already a pretty free spirit compared to many in your culture.

Also, it's tough to be in a marriage if you're afraid of your husband or his reaction to something in your past. Marriage should be based on love, which covers over any wrongs from before - also communication, respect, etc.

- Sue
My blog: Women and Sexuality


Having a boyfriend means the girl is not cultured and not virgin
Its not a sin for a man to have a girlfriend before marriage
I now live in US
Anonymous
Post 11/17/2015 14:50     Subject: What if my DH finds out?
For all of you idiots minimizing her concern, in some cultures, most notably Islamic culture, adultery is punishable by death. Honor killings are also a thing. And they happen here, too.