Anonymous wrote:13.5 yo has recently been making statements of entitlement -- it is "my job" to do her laundry, she has "no clothes". These are two examples from this morning. She has always been self-centered and lacks empathy in many cases. Do I just ignore these statements next time (too late for today :( ) or so I crack down and tell her to do her own laundry from now on... She does very few chores around here because she can barely finish her homework (great student but excessively slow worker). She helps out the few times I ask her to -- fold the clothes in the dryer ... But it is not frequent.

If I'm to ignore, please tell me how! I cannot stand entitled behavior in anyone.

And, if possible, can you be gentle? I'm feeling utterly defeated by this child. She has a history of being very challenging.

If my 12 year old told me " it is your job to do my laundry" , that would be the LAST time in his life I did his laundry. IN his life. Hear me?

You have a BIG problem , OP. Face it head on now because DD will be behind the wheel of a car in 3 years and she sounds like she has not a clue on how the world operates. Eiteh ryou give her a kick in the A++ or some one in her near future will.

I agree with many here -- on the laundry.

That's an easy chore to learn and whether she does or does not do her own laundry only affects herself, and it takes very little actual down time. She can decide whether what she has clean and ready is good enough or not. I find that other chores are best done when everyone or at least others are also helpign out. Dishes, cleaning kitchen, vacuuming, etc. . . With a routine of spending 20 minutes after dinner you can get a lot done and there are fewer arguments about who has to do more or who did the dishes yesterday.

And we're surprised so many kids have trouble learning to cope when they leave the nest. They haven't been prepared.

Saturday morning teach her how to do laundry. Then let her wear stinking clothes if she doesn't do it. If her room isn't tidy and the bed stripped, housekeeper told not to enter it and sat am he has to do it himself.

At this point, I'm happy to do my teen's laundry when he is busy because when I ask him to throw in a load of towels after school, he says "sure".

Geez, there are some harsh responses. Sorry, OP.

I have a challenging child too and those who don't, will NEVER understand what we're going through. Never. DD would rather fight me for two hours about not doing what I ask and face negative consequences, than take 10 minutes to do the task and get a reward/be free of consequences. It's all about power for her.

By all means, lay down the rules and enforce them. Prepare yourself for some hellacious arguments and remain strong and calm. its really hard to outlast these kids, I get it. And maybe don't rule out a mood disorder - though I agree with pp who said teens are generally self centered. I haven't met any grown woman who doesn't regret how she treated her mother as a teenager.

The behavior you describe is completely normal for a young teenage girl. She is not expressing entitlement. She is expressing her distaste for you. It may get worse before it gets better. My girls ( now all adults who are great moms) were tolerable by 16. Develop a thicker skin. Don't make this a battle. Try to avoid conflict and only act to keep her safe, Adolescents who act out are much more successful adults than nice momma's girls. Be glad your daughter has a backbone.

I'd crack down. Maybe not during the morning rush to get out of the door in time for school, but after school.

FWIW, my seventh grader does her own laundry, starting the summer before sixth grade. I'll help, but it's her responsibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has always been self centered and lacked empathy - your words btw but you somehow think that magically as a teen she won't be that way?

You let her grow up to be this way and it was fine before because it didn't effect you directly.

I've not "let her" grow up this way. This is her natural tendency despite all our efforts. This child is the most stubborn person I've ever met. Her behavior has directly impacted me her entire life. This is not a new thing.

Believe me, I've never ignored her behavior. I think I have the tendency to be too strict so I wanted to see if I was overreacting to typical teenage behavior in my response to her this morning.

Seems the consensus is that this shouldn't be ignored. She does know how to do laundry but isn't asked to do it regularly. I will give notice and change that.

And, I don't think advice from someone with one younger child is relevant. My other kids do not behave like this. This one has always been very tough. You only know your one kid who isn't even a teen!

Actually, I am the poster you are responding to and my kid is almost 12 so not younger. And yes, you did let her get this way. I see it all the time. You can't see it because you are in the thick of it. Basically, it was far easier for you to give in over the years and believe then deal with the situation so you did.

Your other kids didn't behave that way so you realized early on that the parenting techniques you used with those kids were not going to work with this child but you didn't act on that and come up with a different set of techniques. That's what you needed to do and that's what you need to do now.

Definitely make her do her own laundry from now on. Chores are useful for helping her learn what it's like to be in your shoes.

However, my brother was like this as a kid, and my mom was a pushover and did pretty much whatever he wanted. He is now diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. Not saying this will be your child, but it may be useful reexamine how you set boundaries with her, whether you are consistent or not. Set very clear expectations and stand by them.

Anonymous wrote:Read a book like How to Raise an Adult or The Gift of Failure, and you'll soon see she needs to do her own laundry, or at least help with it and take responsibility for some aspects of it.

Thanks for the book suggestion!

I am a little surprised that you are pathologizing your DD. Unless there is a lot more going on here, it seems unduly harsh to call her self centered and lacking in empathy on the basis of what you have written.

What does come through is that she is struggling academically. Your own post suggests that after doing her school work and showering and eating she has almost no time to spare. She is making the grades (perhaps parental pressure to perform?) but expending every ounce of energy doing so.

Perhaps she has a subtle LD that is making HS a real challenge for her and she is feeling very stressed at simultaneously being successful in school and doing chores, even those that benefit her directly like laundry.

Perhaps some empathy for her is called for here and some help and understanding on what is making her school work so difficult for her.

Second the suggestion for How to Raise an Adult. Just a phenomenal book.

Read a book like How to Raise an Adult or The Gift of Failure, and you'll soon see she needs to do her own laundry, or at least help with it and take responsibility for some aspects of it.

Maybe start with something small and easier. Colored laundry every x day. She has to sort her laundry and put in the washer by x day, otherwise it won't get done.

My kids are 7 and 10, and if they are home when I do laundry I tell them to sort their laundry and put it in the communal basket. Then I take it to the machine. Whatever doesn't get washed, they won't have it until I do laundry the next time. If they are home when I am putting away laundry, I tell them to do their own.

You said she gets no allowance, but I assume her cellphone is paid for by you. Tell her that she is now old enough to help the family out. She needs to earn those text messages like in the real world. I make my kids help me shovel snow, for example. The younger one doesn't do a whole lot but it's the act that she is part of the family, which includes helping the family. They also rake leaves and help in the garden. I'm sure you can find things for her to do around the house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has always been self centered and lacked empathy - your words btw but you somehow think that magically as a teen she won't be that way?

You let her grow up to be this way and it was fine before because it didn't effect you directly.

I've not "let her" grow up this way. This is her natural tendency despite all our efforts. This child is the most stubborn person I've ever met. Her behavior has directly impacted me her entire life. This is not a new thing.

Believe me, I've never ignored her behavior. I think I have the tendency to be too strict so I wanted to see if I was overreacting to typical teenage behavior in my response to her this morning.

Seems the consensus is that this shouldn't be ignored. She does know how to do laundry but isn't asked to do it regularly. I will give notice and change that.

And, I don't think advice from someone with one younger child is relevant. My other kids do not behave like this. This one has always been very tough. You only know your one kid who isn't even a teen!

You asked for people to be kind, so don't be b*tchy yourself. I could be really obnoxious and say that I hope my 10yr old, who is a bit younger than your 13yr old, doesn't grow up to be as snotty and self-absorbed as your own child, and clearly I'm a far better parent than you. (see? obnoxious and unnecessary) You didn't mention you had multiple kids in your original post, so I felt as though possibly my experience with my "only tween" might have some value with your "only [young] tween".