I actually feel ill reading this, realizing how many people out there don't feel this is rape.

Friend is frozen because that's a normal reaction to being violated - it's a flight reaction when you can't (or feel you can't) physically flee. She's fleeing emotionally and detaching her body from her emotional centre.

Please have her call the hotline. This is not okay.

On another note, I find it creepy that a man would even want sex with a sleeping /unresponsive woman. Says a lot, IMHO, about their general feelings about women.

Anonymous wrote:My ex husband did that crap to me. So so so gross!

+1, and years later, he said, "I'm sorry for raping you."

Ick.

OP, your friend needs counseling.

My ex husband did that crap to me. So so so gross!

My wife and I sort of have an understanding...in the morning, when it is time to get up, it is ok for me to wake her up by fingering her. For a while, we had a signal when this was ok: if she wasn't wearing underwear, I could go for it.

I have masturbated in bed next to her in the middle of the night (usually when I can't sleep). But would not wake her (she does not wake up in the middle of the night as a nice person).

OTOH, if the wife does not consent, then it is at minimum, a form of abuse. (Now, I do not think masturbating in bed next to a sleeping wife/SO is abuse).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Some men are at their sexual peak in the middle of the night while their partner is sleeping. Some men are denied sex so often that sleep sex is better than no sex. It might be rude but that doesn't make it rape.

Your friend sounds like she has issues communicating. Why would she fake sleep and then be mortified about it afterwards instead of discussing consent, etc. if he is such an understanding husband? Your friend probably needs counseling since she has past abuse issues.

This is disturbing.

I agree. Rude but not rape? Wow.

Anonymous wrote:
Not rape.

Are you fucking kidding me?

I woke up from a deep sleep once and my boyfriend was having sex with me. That is, raping me. No consent given.

Yes, OP. That is rape.

Anonymous wrote:It is assault. She doesn't need to tell him no. He needs to wait for her to say yes

I'm pretty sure that's only true according to the new law that covers certain colleges in California. If she was awake during this she was conscience and able to say no. Not saying what he did was right, just that most of the U.S still falls under "no means no"..."yes means yes" just became a reality in California if I'm not mistaken.

I don't think it's helpful to debate a definition.

But what you described is not ok. I would tell him that if he does it again that there will be no more sex and I'll be sleeping in the guest room.

A "friend" needs to get a divorce.

I have to wonder if this is a troll also because it sounds very ridiculous. Your friend and her husband have terrible communication skills. Unless he is abusive, she needs to just tell her husband she doesn't like him fondling her in her sleep.

Troll

It is assault. She doesn't need to tell him no. He needs to wait for her to say yes

This is not "rape."

Wife needs to SAY SOMETHING -- you know like, STOP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP -- or whatever.

Anonymous wrote:
Some men are at their sexual peak in the middle of the night while their partner is sleeping. Some men are denied sex so often that sleep sex is better than no sex. It might be rude but that doesn't make it rape.

Your friend sounds like she has issues communicating. Why would she fake sleep and then be mortified about it afterwards instead of discussing consent, etc. if he is such an understanding husband? Your friend probably needs counseling since she has past abuse issues.

This is disturbing.

I think your friend needs to learn to be more assertive with her husband or men in general. She should have grabbed his hand while he was fingering her and said wtf?!! And addressed right there. Also she should state to him firmly that she does not like being awaken for sex or having sex half asleep. She should talk to him how it made her feel. Who cares if he is defensive. He obviously has problems or there is in general poor sexual communication in their marriage. These are her desires and needs and her boundaries and she should not be afraid or made feel bad to have them.