Anonymous
Post 11/12/2015 09:51     Subject: Re:How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
In addition to the suggestions here, I would model responses for her instead of having her figure them out. Once you model them enough times she will have the tools to use them.

To the person who said this is abnormal, bratty behavior, I really think much of the time it is the kid (luck of the draw) and not the parenting. As for "cracking down," cracking down made my son act out even more. Positive reinforcement worked much better.


+10000 to modeling the correct response. She is expressing her feelings--something you want her to continue to do--but she is doing it in a "rude" way. Try something like "Saying 'get away from me' is rude. Say, 'I want to to do it by myself, please.'" Stick to it, and when she says "I want to to do it by myself, please," (have the sitter) respect that and step away. When mine was 3 "Go away!" was her big thing. We taught her to say "I want to be by myself," and it worked like a charm. After she knew better, when she did use rude phrases, we would say "Use nice words, please," and ignore until she did. Ir faded pretty quickly.

Again, with the dinner. Tell her what she's saying is rude, and give her the polite words to express herself. It's a little more tricky because you're not going to oblige her by making a new dinner (I hope!), but she should be allowed to express that she does not like a certain food. She'll be eating it anyway, but she doesn't have to like it. Maybe "Saying 'this is a bad dinner' is rude. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel sad. You can say 'I don't like spaghetti' or 'I wanted macaroni for dinner tonight.'" If it's a recurring thing with dinner, maybe try incorporating her into the menu choices. Not saying she gets to dictate everything, but if you're able to say "Macaroni sounds like a good choice. We can have that for dinner tomorrow. Tonight we're having spaghetti" it could help.

For people who think this is bratty behavior, abnormal, or a direct reflection of parenting, I think you really don't understand until you've been there. Barring extreme circumstances, it truly depends on the child. I have had two 3-year-olds, parented exactly the same way. One said things exactly like OP's child, one did not.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2015 09:41     Subject: Re:How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:1) DD pushes her sitter when she tries to help her and says, "Get away from me." - say "Hey! We don't talk to people like that. How can you tell your sister you don't want her help in a nice way?"

2) DD says to me "LEAVE. get out of my room." at bedtime, because she thinks she can coerce DH to read more books and stretch out bedtime longer with him. CAN she coerce DH to read more books? Hopefully the answer is no. But DH needs to tell her "Larla, you may NOT talk to Mommy that way. If you want someone to leave your bedroom what is a nice way you can say that?"

3) DD says "That's a BAD dinner, I'm not eating any of that. YUCK. This food is YUCKY." You don't say whether or not she eats it. First time she does it "It is a lot of work to make dinner for the family, and you need to respect that. If you don't like it, you take a no thank you bite to try and you keep your negative opinions to yourself. If you don't, you don't have to eat dinner with us." Second time she does it. "Okay, then go to your room. Bye." And hustle her off to her bedroom. AFTER everyone has finished eating and left the table bring her back and say "I was not kidding when I said you can't talk badly about meals cooked. This is dinner. Are you hungry?"

At the age of 3, I generally ignored tone and focused more on actual words the kids say. Although they're old enough to throw attitude, explaining it is a hard concept. The most I say about attitude is "Say those words again nicely." If they don't understand I say the same sentence, once with attitude, once without, so they can really grasp the difference. Keep in mind that kids save their worst behavior for the home, and for the person they're closest with, so I bet her classmates unleash all sorts of shit at home. I bet her classmates parents can't imagine your DD saying this stuff.


Op here and thank you for the thoughtful suggestions on how to respond, this is exactly what I needed to see.


I was going to offer very similar advice. This is normal behavior--they're testing their authority, their independence, exerting their will. They have pretty much no filter. We focus a lot on using nice words. "It's okay if you don't want to play with Daddy, but you need to use nice words. Say, 'No, thank you, Daddy.'" "It's okay if you don't want to eat your dinner. But we don't say, 'Yucky!' We say, 'No, thank you.'" It can be a slow process, but if you are consistent and firm, you will start to see a payoff.
Anonymous
Post 11/12/2015 05:12     Subject: How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
By teaching her to express her feelings with tact and consideration. A long, long process. She's not "disrespectful." She doesn't know how to navigate social situations and balance her needs against others. She's THREE.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 22:21     Subject: How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
Ive found DCUM to be super helpful--except when dealing with disciplining small children. There are a lot of nip it posters who make it sound like their children have been sassy one time or hit one time and then the parent (because YOU are the parent ) nipped it. This just can not be true. I don't believe anyone who writes anything similar to what I just wrote.

at 3, you've got to laugh off most of it--like the "get out" statement would be turned in to "I'm going to get you!!!" and if that didn't work, then no more books for the night.

The eating. I would either ignore or redirect and I would always serve a meal to a hungry kid--no snacking!


I think with little kids (2-4) be consistent in that you mean what you say and decide on those things that you just can not allow--ie hitting and give a consequence every time. You really can be silly with your kid when they misbehave at 3. but if they hit you or run away from you or throw things at you or throw a tantrum at the store, you have to discipline those behaviors. you have to fight the battle even though the kid is mad at you for not getting them a princess at the store.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 22:10     Subject: How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
A dinner tip I got from a mom I admire is not to focus on the food. Yes you serve it and the eat as much or little as they like, but focus the conversation on other things.
They aren't thinking about battling you over food and the eat. I was amazed at how well this works. Something to try.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 22:07     Subject: Re:How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It is NOT NORMAL for your child to talk to you and others like this - where is she hearing this type of interaction? "Get away from me" ?! I'm so tired of people acting like brats are the norm. I do not know any children who act like this, sorry. Get some discipline going in your household.



+1 This is bratty behavior. I'm horrified that most people think this is normal behavior.


Do you have anything constructive? How would you handle it?


This. I'm tired of these bullshit responses. Let's say for the sake of discussion that this behavior isn't normal. (Although it absolutely is.) That would mean that OP has a child with a problem (or OP has a problem with how she deals with her child that is reinforcing bad behavior.) Do you have any constructive ideas for how to deal with the problem? No? Then STFU. Otherwise, you are being just as rude and disrespectful as you think OP's DD is. And presumably you don't have the excuse of being three years old.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 21:30     Subject: How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
I agree for dinner she should not be sent to her room. I would also advise against using dessert as a bribe. Its not healthy to attache rewards and food.

At dinner I would ask her to try a bite, if she still wont eat it will she find something else on her plate to eat? If she wont eat dinner then obviously there is no dessert but I would only tell her this when serving dessert. She must stay at the table until you are done eating as a family. If after dinner she is hungry you say well I am sure your really going to enjoy breakfast.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 21:08     Subject: Re:How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:1) DD pushes her sitter when she tries to help her and says, "Get away from me." - say "Hey! We don't talk to people like that. How can you tell your sister you don't want her help in a nice way?"

2) DD says to me "LEAVE. get out of my room." at bedtime, because she thinks she can coerce DH to read more books and stretch out bedtime longer with him. CAN she coerce DH to read more books? Hopefully the answer is no. But DH needs to tell her "Larla, you may NOT talk to Mommy that way. If you want someone to leave your bedroom what is a nice way you can say that?"

3) DD says "That's a BAD dinner, I'm not eating any of that. YUCK. This food is YUCKY." You don't say whether or not she eats it. First time she does it "It is a lot of work to make dinner for the family, and you need to respect that. If you don't like it, you take a no thank you bite to try and you keep your negative opinions to yourself. If you don't, you don't have to eat dinner with us." Second time she does it. "Okay, then go to your room. Bye." And hustle her off to her bedroom. AFTER everyone has finished eating and left the table bring her back and say "I was not kidding when I said you can't talk badly about meals cooked. This is dinner. Are you hungry?"

At the age of 3, I generally ignored tone and focused more on actual words the kids say. Although they're old enough to throw attitude, explaining it is a hard concept. The most I say about attitude is "Say those words again nicely." If they don't understand I say the same sentence, once with attitude, once without, so they can really grasp the difference. Keep in mind that kids save their worst behavior for the home, and for the person they're closest with, so I bet her classmates unleash all sorts of shit at home. I bet her classmates parents can't imagine your DD saying this stuff.


Op here and thank you for the thoughtful suggestions on how to respond, this is exactly what I needed to see.


This is generally good advice, but I definitely wouldn't do #3. I think that's way overboard. Don't send your kid to her room without dinner (even if you know you're going to bring her back for it -- because she doesn't know that). I really believe that's cruel. I would focus on educating her about how it's rude to say that and just telling her that she doesn't have to like it but doesn't have to say it's "yucky" either. Other people like it. Or make a joke of it. Kids often say they don't like things. My kid thinks it's hilarious if we make a joke of it. I've never heard him saying anything that was truly "disrespectful" about a dinner -- it's just his opinion. If you treat it as an issue of opinion and how to say things nicely rather than jumping to think she's disrespecting you, you'll have a very different response.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 20:32     Subject: Re:How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:1) DD pushes her sitter when she tries to help her and says, "Get away from me." - say "Hey! We don't talk to people like that. How can you tell your sister you don't want her help in a nice way?"

2) DD says to me "LEAVE. get out of my room." at bedtime, because she thinks she can coerce DH to read more books and stretch out bedtime longer with him. CAN she coerce DH to read more books? Hopefully the answer is no. But DH needs to tell her "Larla, you may NOT talk to Mommy that way. If you want someone to leave your bedroom what is a nice way you can say that?"

3) DD says "That's a BAD dinner, I'm not eating any of that. YUCK. This food is YUCKY." You don't say whether or not she eats it. First time she does it "It is a lot of work to make dinner for the family, and you need to respect that. If you don't like it, you take a no thank you bite to try and you keep your negative opinions to yourself. If you don't, you don't have to eat dinner with us." Second time she does it. "Okay, then go to your room. Bye." And hustle her off to her bedroom. AFTER everyone has finished eating and left the table bring her back and say "I was not kidding when I said you can't talk badly about meals cooked. This is dinner. Are you hungry?"

At the age of 3, I generally ignored tone and focused more on actual words the kids say. Although they're old enough to throw attitude, explaining it is a hard concept. The most I say about attitude is "Say those words again nicely." If they don't understand I say the same sentence, once with attitude, once without, so they can really grasp the difference. Keep in mind that kids save their worst behavior for the home, and for the person they're closest with, so I bet her classmates unleash all sorts of shit at home. I bet her classmates parents can't imagine your DD saying this stuff.

I'm
Op here and thank you for the thoughtful suggestions on how to respond, this is exactly what I needed to see.


In addition to the suggestions here, I would model responses for her instead of having her figure them out. Once you model them enough times she will have the tools to use them.

To the person who said this is abnormal, bratty behavior, I really think much of the time it is the kid (luck of the draw) and not the parenting. As for "cracking down," cracking down made my son act out even more. Positive reinforcement worked much better.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 20:11     Subject: Re:How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It is NOT NORMAL for your child to talk to you and others like this - where is she hearing this type of interaction? "Get away from me" ?! I'm so tired of people acting like brats are the norm. I do not know any children who act like this, sorry. Get some discipline going in your household.



+1 This is bratty behavior. I'm horrified that most people think this is normal behavior.


Do you have anything constructive? How would you handle it?
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 20:08     Subject: Re:How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
Anonymous wrote:1) DD pushes her sitter when she tries to help her and says, "Get away from me." - say "Hey! We don't talk to people like that. How can you tell your sister you don't want her help in a nice way?"

2) DD says to me "LEAVE. get out of my room." at bedtime, because she thinks she can coerce DH to read more books and stretch out bedtime longer with him. CAN she coerce DH to read more books? Hopefully the answer is no. But DH needs to tell her "Larla, you may NOT talk to Mommy that way. If you want someone to leave your bedroom what is a nice way you can say that?"

3) DD says "That's a BAD dinner, I'm not eating any of that. YUCK. This food is YUCKY." You don't say whether or not she eats it. First time she does it "It is a lot of work to make dinner for the family, and you need to respect that. If you don't like it, you take a no thank you bite to try and you keep your negative opinions to yourself. If you don't, you don't have to eat dinner with us." Second time she does it. "Okay, then go to your room. Bye." And hustle her off to her bedroom. AFTER everyone has finished eating and left the table bring her back and say "I was not kidding when I said you can't talk badly about meals cooked. This is dinner. Are you hungry?"

At the age of 3, I generally ignored tone and focused more on actual words the kids say. Although they're old enough to throw attitude, explaining it is a hard concept. The most I say about attitude is "Say those words again nicely." If they don't understand I say the same sentence, once with attitude, once without, so they can really grasp the difference. Keep in mind that kids save their worst behavior for the home, and for the person they're closest with, so I bet her classmates unleash all sorts of shit at home. I bet her classmates parents can't imagine your DD saying this stuff.


Op here and thank you for the thoughtful suggestions on how to respond, this is exactly what I needed to see.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 20:03     Subject: How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
Anonymous wrote:If it happens once? Normal. Repeatedly? Not normal, however since you are not addressing these as they happen, they will of course continue happening. Tell your child it's not a nice thing to say, hurts people's feelings, etc.


You guys who say it's not "normal" haven't read anything on child behavior and just have been lucky enough to kids who don't this regularly.

OP, of course it's within normal behavior for a 3 year old to act like this. The source from PP from WebMD is good, you may also want to read TouchPoints. You don't have to repeat your volatile past. GL.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 20:03     Subject: Re:How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
The soul of discipline.... a book.

Check it out.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 19:58     Subject: Re:How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
I've found that pointed ignoring, after highlighting the bad behavior, often works when my 3-year-old is acting like this (and I agree with all the people who say it is NORMAL 3-year-old behavior). So if he says 'LEAVE. Get out of my room," I'll say, "We do not talk like that in our family," and continue what I was doing without looking or talking to him until he tries again. Similar with dinner being yucky--I'll say, "You don't have to eat dinner but you must sit there politely," and continue talking to DH as I was before. 95% of the time, DS will start eating and a few minutes later will pipe up with a totally cute or interesting thing to say.

Good luck OP. I am going to be SO GLAD when my kid is 4.
Anonymous
Post 11/11/2015 19:56     Subject: How to handle disrespect from a 3yo
If it happens once? Normal. Repeatedly? Not normal, however since you are not addressing these as they happen, they will of course continue happening. Tell your child it's not a nice thing to say, hurts people's feelings, etc.