Anonymous
11/12/2015 11:14
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:+1 except to the part about 'and grandma knows it'.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
It's relevant because a lot of people will think your stance on zero ipad use despite having a kid old enough to be able to type something on a computer to be ridiculous. You know that, or you wouldn't be so worried about the conversation steering that way.
That said, your mother knows your stance on the ipad, so your options are to (a) ask her what she got him before he opens it or (b) let him open it and when he does, say, "Son, i'm sorry, we don't allow ipads in our house and Grandma knows that. She'll return it and get something else." Yes, it will be incredibly awkward. But if, to you use your example, I found revealing clothing to be inappropriate for my child, I would have no problem doing option B. You have to say no to your kids all the time. You'll look like the bad guy in front of your kid, but it won't be the first time.
Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?
PP here. I considered it without that part, but the kid sounds old enough to be told that Grandma is not respecting the parents' boundaries here, rather than letting her get away with being the good guy, while the parents are made to be the bad guys. I don't know why you'd give her a free pass for that.
Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?
That's great for you, but this is something OP is clearly worried about or she wouldn't be worried about heading her mother off at the pass in buying something she doesn't want to give her kids.
NO, I would not want my mother to go against my wishes, but not because of being worried about being the bad guy, it would be about respecting my wishes. Two different things.
Then I don't understand your concern at all. You can't control whether someone is going to "respect your wishes." If she doesn't, return the damn thing and get him something else and tell your mother you did so and why. Why exactly is this an issue?
Anonymous
11/12/2015 11:12
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:+1 except to the part about 'and grandma knows it'.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
It's relevant because a lot of people will think your stance on zero ipad use despite having a kid old enough to be able to type something on a computer to be ridiculous. You know that, or you wouldn't be so worried about the conversation steering that way.
That said, your mother knows your stance on the ipad, so your options are to (a) ask her what she got him before he opens it or (b) let him open it and when he does, say, "Son, i'm sorry, we don't allow ipads in our house and Grandma knows that. She'll return it and get something else." Yes, it will be incredibly awkward. But if, to you use your example, I found revealing clothing to be inappropriate for my child, I would have no problem doing option B. You have to say no to your kids all the time. You'll look like the bad guy in front of your kid, but it won't be the first time.
Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?
PP here. I considered it without that part, but the kid sounds old enough to be told that Grandma is not respecting the parents' boundaries here, rather than letting her get away with being the good guy, while the parents are made to be the bad guys. I don't know why you'd give her a free pass for that.
Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?
That's great for you, but this is something OP is clearly worried about or she wouldn't be worried about heading her mother off at the pass in buying something she doesn't want to give her kids.
NO, I would not want my mother to go against my wishes, but not because of being worried about being the bad guy, it would be about respecting my wishes. Two different things.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 11:09
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:+1 except to the part about 'and grandma knows it'.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
It's relevant because a lot of people will think your stance on zero ipad use despite having a kid old enough to be able to type something on a computer to be ridiculous. You know that, or you wouldn't be so worried about the conversation steering that way.
That said, your mother knows your stance on the ipad, so your options are to (a) ask her what she got him before he opens it or (b) let him open it and when he does, say, "Son, i'm sorry, we don't allow ipads in our house and Grandma knows that. She'll return it and get something else." Yes, it will be incredibly awkward. But if, to you use your example, I found revealing clothing to be inappropriate for my child, I would have no problem doing option B. You have to say no to your kids all the time. You'll look like the bad guy in front of your kid, but it won't be the first time.
Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?
PP here. I considered it without that part, but the kid sounds old enough to be told that Grandma is not respecting the parents' boundaries here, rather than letting her get away with being the good guy, while the parents are made to be the bad guys. I don't know why you'd give her a free pass for that.
Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?
That's great for you, but this is something OP is clearly worried about or she wouldn't be worried about heading her mother off at the pass in buying something she doesn't want to give her kids.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:59
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:+1 except to the part about 'and grandma knows it'.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
It's relevant because a lot of people will think your stance on zero ipad use despite having a kid old enough to be able to type something on a computer to be ridiculous. You know that, or you wouldn't be so worried about the conversation steering that way.
That said, your mother knows your stance on the ipad, so your options are to (a) ask her what she got him before he opens it or (b) let him open it and when he does, say, "Son, i'm sorry, we don't allow ipads in our house and Grandma knows that. She'll return it and get something else." Yes, it will be incredibly awkward. But if, to you use your example, I found revealing clothing to be inappropriate for my child, I would have no problem doing option B. You have to say no to your kids all the time. You'll look like the bad guy in front of your kid, but it won't be the first time.
Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?
PP here. I considered it without that part, but the kid sounds old enough to be told that Grandma is not respecting the parents' boundaries here, rather than letting her get away with being the good guy, while the parents are made to be the bad guys. I don't know why you'd give her a free pass for that.
Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:58
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:+1 except to the part about 'and grandma knows it'.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
It's relevant because a lot of people will think your stance on zero ipad use despite having a kid old enough to be able to type something on a computer to be ridiculous. You know that, or you wouldn't be so worried about the conversation steering that way.
That said, your mother knows your stance on the ipad, so your options are to (a) ask her what she got him before he opens it or (b) let him open it and when he does, say, "Son, i'm sorry, we don't allow ipads in our house and Grandma knows that. She'll return it and get something else." Yes, it will be incredibly awkward. But if, to you use your example, I found revealing clothing to be inappropriate for my child, I would have no problem doing option B. You have to say no to your kids all the time. You'll look like the bad guy in front of your kid, but it won't be the first time.
Immature at best. The issue is between the parents and grandparents. Kids do not need to be dragged into it just to prove who was WRONG.
I guess I don't get why someone is worried about 'being the bad guy' to kids. If I say no to something, them's tha breaks -- those are the rules. That does not make me the bad guy, it makes me the rule maker. Grandma gives something objectionable on Christmas, 'Thank you, we'll put this away for future use'. If kids push the issue, "We will talk about this later - END.OF.DISCUSSION'. What is the point of saying "Grandma does not respect me, she f*** up your Christmas".?
PP here. I considered it without that part, but the kid sounds old enough to be told that Grandma is not respecting the parents' boundaries here, rather than letting her get away with being the good guy, while the parents are made to be the bad guys. I don't know why you'd give her a free pass for that.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:50
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Your mom asked, so you have a good opening.
Just tell her "Thanks for asking! Jimmy's really into these remote control airplanes - here's a link to some good ones. He's been talking about them for months! And I know you think we're crazy, but we still feel pretty strongly about limiting screen-time while we still can, so please not big electronic presents since Bob and I are going to keep being super mean parents and not allow them much opportunity to use them." Honesty, with a good dose of self-deprecation, does go a long way.
While you're at it, I'd make sure you are giving suggestions that you think both your parents and kids will be very excited about. My in-laws like to give our kids awesome presents, and seem to savor being the ones to spoil them. While I roll my eyes a bit, I indulge them and let them buy the big, cool presents that I find completely unnecessary. If your hill to die on is electronics, then let them go crazy with a trampoline or elaborate dollhouse or whatever. If they are insistent, you could try kicking the ball down the court: "we're very committed to keeping them off ipads for the time being, but were thinking of getting a family computer next year... maybe you could stick with the skating lessons this year, and we could talk about that next Christmas?"
Just tell her "Thanks for asking! Jimmy's really into these remote control airplanes - here's a link to some good ones. He's been talking about them for months! And I know you think we're crazy, but we still feel pretty strongly about limiting screen-time while we still can, so please not big electronic presents since Bob and I are going to keep being super mean parents and not allow them much opportunity to use them." Honesty, with a good dose of self-deprecation, does go a long way.
While you're at it, I'd make sure you are giving suggestions that you think both your parents and kids will be very excited about. My in-laws like to give our kids awesome presents, and seem to savor being the ones to spoil them. While I roll my eyes a bit, I indulge them and let them buy the big, cool presents that I find completely unnecessary. If your hill to die on is electronics, then let them go crazy with a trampoline or elaborate dollhouse or whatever. If they are insistent, you could try kicking the ball down the court: "we're very committed to keeping them off ipads for the time being, but were thinking of getting a family computer next year... maybe you could stick with the skating lessons this year, and we could talk about that next Christmas?"
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:47
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Anonymous wrote:+1 except to the part about 'and grandma knows it'.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
It's relevant because a lot of people will think your stance on zero ipad use despite having a kid old enough to be able to type something on a computer to be ridiculous. You know that, or you wouldn't be so worried about the conversation steering that way.
That said, your mother knows your stance on the ipad, so your options are to (a) ask her what she got him before he opens it or (b) let him open it and when he does, say, "Son, i'm sorry, we don't allow ipads in our house and Grandma knows that. She'll return it and get something else." Yes, it will be incredibly awkward. But if, to you use your example, I found revealing clothing to be inappropriate for my child, I would have no problem doing option B. You have to say no to your kids all the time. You'll look like the bad guy in front of your kid, but it won't be the first time.
PP here. I considered it without that part, but the kid sounds old enough to be told that Grandma is not respecting the parents' boundaries here, rather than letting her get away with being the good guy, while the parents are made to be the bad guys. I don't know why you'd give her a free pass for that.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:43
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Anonymous wrote:Op here, I know having an iPad does not automatically translate into unlimited usage of it. And I also agree that I would control any usage.
But my DH and I want my kid to have ZERO usage. So if my kid gets an iPad as a gift, he cannot use it at all. That is going to make for a very awkward Christmas morning and that is what I am trying to avoid.
My kids do not do work on the computer at school. Very occasionally, I will let my kid letters type on my computer, but that's about it. I know it's not the norm, but it works for me and DH, and so far I have heard no complaints from the kids.
At some point later in their lives I am sure they'll be watching the occasional video and having an iPad or something but I don't want that now. My mother cannot fathom why not....she thinks that by denying my kids this I am depriving them of something essential and they will "fall behind" their peers who know how to use technology. She has said this again and again.
I'm just nosey rosey and curious as to why such a strong objection to the technology. Also, your kids have not computer use at school at all? My kids starting using computers in first or second grade.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:43
Subject: Re:Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
OP I don't think it matters what type of a present it is. Your stand on electronics (or whatever else frankly) should be respected. If she gives it to them, you have a full right to put it away or exchange it if you told her before hand not to buy them.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:41
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
+1 except to the part about 'and grandma knows it'.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
It's relevant because a lot of people will think your stance on zero ipad use despite having a kid old enough to be able to type something on a computer to be ridiculous. You know that, or you wouldn't be so worried about the conversation steering that way.
That said, your mother knows your stance on the ipad, so your options are to (a) ask her what she got him before he opens it or (b) let him open it and when he does, say, "Son, i'm sorry, we don't allow ipads in our house and Grandma knows that. She'll return it and get something else." Yes, it will be incredibly awkward. But if, to you use your example, I found revealing clothing to be inappropriate for my child, I would have no problem doing option B. You have to say no to your kids all the time. You'll look like the bad guy in front of your kid, but it won't be the first time.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:37
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
It's relevant because a lot of people will think your stance on zero ipad use despite having a kid old enough to be able to type something on a computer to be ridiculous. You know that, or you wouldn't be so worried about the conversation steering that way.
That said, your mother knows your stance on the ipad, so your options are to (a) ask her what she got him before he opens it or (b) let him open it and when he does, say, "Son, i'm sorry, we don't allow ipads in our house and Grandma knows that. She'll return it and get something else." Yes, it will be incredibly awkward. But if, to you use your example, I found revealing clothing to be inappropriate for my child, I would have no problem doing option B. You have to say no to your kids all the time. You'll look like the bad guy in front of your kid, but it won't be the first time.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:34
Subject: Re:Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Don't return the gift to the giver, return it to the store and buy something more appropriate.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:32
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Anonymous wrote:Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
Of course you don't. And you know that. I think your real question is "How do I refuse this gift if she does give it to my children?" If you've asked her not to get your kids computers/etc as gifts, then I would also explain that if she DOES give those gifts, that your child will not be allowed to use it ever. Be clear about consequences with her if she explicitly goes against what you've requested.
My MIL gave my then 4 month old an American Girl doll for Christmas last year. What a ridiculous gift for a tiny baby- it's on the shelf in her closet, still in the box, until she's much older.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:21
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
Op here, I don't think the age of my kids is relevant. The question basically is, "what do you do if you think someone is going to give your kid a gift that goes against your values and that you have expressly said you don't want your kid having?"
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
Like if someone gave a Mormon teenager a very revealing dress or something.
I mean, what do you do? Do you have to accept every gift?
Anonymous
11/12/2015 10:21
Subject: Dealing with objectionable Christmas gifts
We had a similar situation with DH's mother. She buys whatever she wants and we've been in the awkward position more than once of dd opening a gift we explicitly said no to. So now DH has to review the gifts with MIL before they're given to the kids. It's a bit embarrassing to do it, but she made this path.