Anonymous
11/12/2015 21:59
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well in your OP you said your mom is "openly critical of me, my daughter and how I am raising her" (or close to this) so not sure why you dismiss the possibility that she really doesn't like how you are parenting.
Not dismissing it, but I think there could be more to it.
Why do you want to talk to someone who is openly critical of you 2/3 times a week?
Anonymous
11/12/2015 18:50
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
Anonymous wrote:A few things you've said make me think that you have expectations of what your parents should be doing in their role as your parents and grandparents and that when they fall short, you let them know. The examples you give that stood out to me: you're calling often enough to get screened out, you think a few weeks between calls requires an explanation, you've asked what's wrong often enough that your mother has asked you to stop and you don't believe your dad when he said there's nothing, you're the last one to find out about illness, you only get that information when it's used defensively - ie, you were asking/demanding an explanation for your expectations not being met.
This scenario can be very taxing on the other party. I've been on the other end of this situation and I'm sure you're confident that what you want out of your parents is reasonable - maybe it is - but it's not what they're offering and they think about they're offering is fine. You can make your peace with it or not, but trying to demand more will get you that exact reaction you're puzzled by - distance. When some one refuses to accept your boundaries and limitations, distance is the only response left in the toolkit.
This resonated for me. I am the OP's mother in this scenario, in that I have had to tune out my mom. She calls, I screen. We don't talk for a few days and she gets hysterical thinking I'm in a ditch. She's always pushing, nudging for more from me than I can give, and making me feel guilty for not giving enough.
I've had it and now have very minimal contact with her.
Just a though OP, are you a needy person?
Anonymous
11/12/2015 17:34
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
Anonymous wrote:Narcissists are often obsessed with money and status.
Your dad may be an Enabler.
Your sister might be the Golden Child.
No good mother would openly criticize you about your parenting. If she had a concern about her grandchild she would discuss it calmly and not critically.
Google Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I grew up with one and people who didn't will never understand.
I agree with this except for the part about not criticizing your parenting. Sometimes unchecked bad behavior will lead to either criticism or distance.
My sister's sons are wild, and she goes ballistic if anyone says anything (like asking them to please turn down their music, etc) but sometimes it's necessary. Everyone
avoids them. It doesn't sound like OP's situation though.
OP, your mother sounds cold and it hurts to read this. I am so sorry for what you are going through! I agree that you should read about narcissistic mothers. My mother is narcissistic with BP disorder so I feel for you!!!!
Anonymous
11/12/2015 16:28
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
I would write a letter. A physical letter in the mail. Explain exactly how you feel. If they are honestly mad about "success" and "money" issues hopefully this will let them know how deeply it is hurting you. If they don't respond positively you have your answer. I also think the Thanksgiving suggestion about canceling if you don't hear back are perfect.
Anonymous
11/12/2015 05:08
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
Narcissists are often obsessed with money and status.
Your dad may be an Enabler.
Your sister might be the Golden Child.
No good mother would openly criticize you about your parenting. If she had a concern about her grandchild she would discuss it calmly and not critically.
Google Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I grew up with one and people who didn't will never understand.
Your dad may be an Enabler.
Your sister might be the Golden Child.
No good mother would openly criticize you about your parenting. If she had a concern about her grandchild she would discuss it calmly and not critically.
Google Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. I grew up with one and people who didn't will never understand.
Anonymous
11/11/2015 17:54
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
Is your mother depressed? Can you ask her?
Anonymous
11/11/2015 17:53
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
this reminds me of my in laws. In their case they want the world to revolve around them. We have to initiate everything, we have to go see them all the time, we have to know when someone is sick and show up immediately or they will pout and get upset. They also like to be needed so they can control people around them. Due to the fact that my husband and I are successful and don't need them they struggle with finding ways to controls us and making us do things the way they think we should, so they have almost outcasted us. They are very involved in my SILs life because she needs them and therefore kisses their behind and does what they want. They don't come over our houses or see our son unless we go see them, which is the exact opposite of how they are with SIL. Could this be the issue with your family?
Anonymous
11/11/2015 17:37
Subject: Re:Parents Disengaging from Me
Don't go there for Thanksgiving. They must be dreading it and you need to create some distance too.
Anonymous
11/11/2015 17:28
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
Anonymous wrote:You wrote that they are very critical of you and your lifestyle and how you are raising your daughter.
That is your answer right there.
They prefer to spend time with your sister and her family that they approve of.
I think your question is how to deal with it, since you already know why they are evading and dodging you. The only answe is to accept that they don't want the kind of relationship you do and find comfort and support elsewhere (nuclear family, friends, inlaws
Does your child have behavior issues? Do you have a parenting philosophy or rules/restrictions that are difficult to be around?
It could be as simple as that, and fairly typical of different generations that have a really hard time with some of the new parenting ideas/fads
+1000
Anonymous
11/11/2015 16:16
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
A few things you've said make me think that you have expectations of what your parents should be doing in their role as your parents and grandparents and that when they fall short, you let them know. The examples you give that stood out to me: you're calling often enough to get screened out, you think a few weeks between calls requires an explanation, you've asked what's wrong often enough that your mother has asked you to stop and you don't believe your dad when he said there's nothing, you're the last one to find out about illness, you only get that information when it's used defensively - ie, you were asking/demanding an explanation for your expectations not being met.
This scenario can be very taxing on the other party. I've been on the other end of this situation and I'm sure you're confident that what you want out of your parents is reasonable - maybe it is - but it's not what they're offering and they think about they're offering is fine. You can make your peace with it or not, but trying to demand more will get you that exact reaction you're puzzled by - distance. When some one refuses to accept your boundaries and limitations, distance is the only response left in the toolkit.
This scenario can be very taxing on the other party. I've been on the other end of this situation and I'm sure you're confident that what you want out of your parents is reasonable - maybe it is - but it's not what they're offering and they think about they're offering is fine. You can make your peace with it or not, but trying to demand more will get you that exact reaction you're puzzled by - distance. When some one refuses to accept your boundaries and limitations, distance is the only response left in the toolkit.
Anonymous
11/11/2015 15:55
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
Anonymous wrote:Well in your OP you said your mom is "openly critical of me, my daughter and how I am raising her" (or close to this) so not sure why you dismiss the possibility that she really doesn't like how you are parenting.
I missed this. This is probably exactly what it is. OP are you raising your daughter with different religious beliefs than you were brought up with?
There was quite the kerfuffle in my DH's family when his niece didn't take first communion a few years back.
Anonymous
11/11/2015 15:07
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
Anonymous wrote:Well in your OP you said your mom is "openly critical of me, my daughter and how I am raising her" (or close to this) so not sure why you dismiss the possibility that she really doesn't like how you are parenting.
Not dismissing it, but I think there could be more to it.
Anonymous
11/11/2015 15:01
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
Well in your OP you said your mom is "openly critical of me, my daughter and how I am raising her" (or close to this) so not sure why you dismiss the possibility that she really doesn't like how you are parenting.
Anonymous
11/11/2015 14:58
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
Anonymous wrote:You wrote that they are very critical of you and your lifestyle and how you are raising your daughter.
That is your answer right there.
They prefer to spend time with your sister and her family that they approve of.
I think your question is how to deal with it, since you already know why they are evading and dodging you. The only answe is to accept that they don't want the kind of relationship you do and find comfort and support elsewhere (nuclear family, friends, inlaws
Does your child have behavior issues? Do you have a parenting philosophy or rules/restrictions that are difficult to be around?
It could be as simple as that, and fairly typical of different generations that have a really hard time with some of the new parenting ideas/fads
No, my kid is great. Cute as can be. And my DH makes good money and we live in a nice area. The point about her narcissism is something I need to think about. And thank you everyone.
Anonymous
11/11/2015 14:46
Subject: Parents Disengaging from Me
You wrote that they are very critical of you and your lifestyle and how you are raising your daughter.
That is your answer right there.
They prefer to spend time with your sister and her family that they approve of.
I think your question is how to deal with it, since you already know why they are evading and dodging you. The only answe is to accept that they don't want the kind of relationship you do and find comfort and support elsewhere (nuclear family, friends, inlaws
Does your child have behavior issues? Do you have a parenting philosophy or rules/restrictions that are difficult to be around?
It could be as simple as that, and fairly typical of different generations that have a really hard time with some of the new parenting ideas/fads
That is your answer right there.
They prefer to spend time with your sister and her family that they approve of.
I think your question is how to deal with it, since you already know why they are evading and dodging you. The only answe is to accept that they don't want the kind of relationship you do and find comfort and support elsewhere (nuclear family, friends, inlaws
Does your child have behavior issues? Do you have a parenting philosophy or rules/restrictions that are difficult to be around?
It could be as simple as that, and fairly typical of different generations that have a really hard time with some of the new parenting ideas/fads