Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and have had both ILs and parents stay with us for extended periods of time. It can be a good experience but you have to have some strategies to manage well.

The trick is to make them responsible for things in the house as well as spend some time with them. My MIL and mom are responsible for the running the house. Mainly translates into cooking. I tackle the dishes and buy the groceries. Every morning, I will tell them my schedule and ask them what they need from me. In this way, they feel empowered, plus I benefit by not doing any cooking. I make sure that I have the cleaners come at least twice a week... so that I do not have to clean and neither do my DH. My MIL feels very upset when my DH has to do any cleaning, so, it is a worthwhile expense for me to have the cleaners and she also feels good that she has the manpower to keep the house running well.

I usually come home to clean house, happy kids, wonderful food. I praise them to all my friends, relatives and neighbors for whipping my house into shape. They need a lot of acknowledgement. I also make sure that DH takes MIL and FIL out for lunch, shopping, and other touristy things, without me, at least once in a fortnight. I insist on paying for all their shopping, mainly because I know that our culture puts a premium on such things. It shows to my ILs that we care for them and respect them. In return, my ILs will gift us with money. This makes them feel happy and in a position of power, because they are still looking after us (in their mind).

You have to figure out how to get them to do what you want to do, in a way that serves your needs as well as maintain good relationships. It is like walking on tightrope, but, in our culture, that is a necessary skill that women have to hone.

I still carry on all my usual activities (kids EC, socialization, gym) as usual. However, I try and include them as often as I can. I have hosted dinners at home and my ILs have met all my friends etc, and then retired to their rooms.

BTW - a big house with ample space also helps. It was horrible when we lived in an apartment and they visited.

WOW JUST WOW...You are the perfect daughter in law!!

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws have stayed with us for 6 months. I know how you feel. It takes toll on the marriage and you.
Here is how I kept my sanity.
Rule 1: Know that it absolutely futile to whine to your husband. Because they just don't get it.
I absolutely stopped doing it. If I got mad - I said - "honey - I just need to vent about abc... And let you know how I feel.."
No action required from his side. And then let it go.

Rule 2: Set a good boundaries for yourself. Know that you will never be good enough. You are not their daughter.
So stop over compensating. It will get you nowhere.

Rule 3: There are only 2 people in your marriage. You and your husband. Keep it that way.
No use bringing MIL or FIL in your fights. Please do not fight about what MIL said it did with your husband. Your husband has no control over MIL.

Rule 4: Communicate openly and frankly with your husband. If you want your husband to do something specific, ask MIL something specific -
Ask very openly. Tell your husband that you love him and you will do this because you love him.
Pre-discuss deal breakers with him and have a plan between both of you.

Most importantly - OP - Be kind to yourself. Do things for you.

This is how I got thru my 6 months.
It is a lot of work. I am proud of myself. My husband has no idea how difficult it is.

Anonymous wrote:I am Indian and have had both ILs and parents stay with us for extended periods of time. It can be a good experience but you have to have some strategies to manage well.

The trick is to make them responsible for things in the house as well as spend some time with them. My MIL and mom are responsible for the running the house. Mainly translates into cooking. I tackle the dishes and buy the groceries. Every morning, I will tell them my schedule and ask them what they need from me. In this way, they feel empowered, plus I benefit by not doing any cooking. I make sure that I have the cleaners come at least twice a week... so that I do not have to clean and neither do my DH. My MIL feels very upset when my DH has to do any cleaning, so, it is a worthwhile expense for me to have the cleaners and she also feels good that she has the manpower to keep the house running well.

I usually come home to clean house, happy kids, wonderful food. I praise them to all my friends, relatives and neighbors for whipping my house into shape. They need a lot of acknowledgement. I also make sure that DH takes MIL and FIL out for lunch, shopping, and other touristy things, without me, at least once in a fortnight. I insist on paying for all their shopping, mainly because I know that our culture puts a premium on such things. It shows to my ILs that we care for them and respect them. In return, my ILs will gift us with money. This makes them feel happy and in a position of power, because they are still looking after us (in their mind).

You have to figure out how to get them to do what you want to do, in a way that serves your needs as well as maintain good relationships. It is like walking on tightrope, but, in our culture, that is a necessary skill that women have to hone.

I still carry on all my usual activities (kids EC, socialization, gym) as usual. However, I try and include them as often as I can. I have hosted dinners at home and my ILs have met all my friends etc, and then retired to their rooms.

BTW - a big house with ample space also helps. It was horrible when we lived in an apartment and they visited.

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws have stayed with us for 6 months. I know how you feel. It takes toll on the marriage and you.
Here is how I kept my sanity.
Rule 1: Know that it absolutely futile to whine to your husband. Because they just don't get it.
I absolutely stopped doing it. If I got mad - I said - "honey - I just need to vent about abc... And let you know how I feel.."
No action required from his side. And then let it go.

Rule 2: Set a good boundaries for yourself. Know that you will never be good enough. You are not their daughter.
So stop over compensating. It will get you nowhere.

Rule 3: There are only 2 people in your marriage. You and your husband. Keep it that way.
No use bringing MIL or FIL in your fights. Please do not fight about what MIL said it did with your husband. Your husband has no control over MIL.

Rule 4: Communicate openly and frankly with your husband. If you want your husband to do something specific, ask MIL something specific -
Ask very openly. Tell your husband that you love him and you will do this because you love him.
Pre-discuss deal breakers with him and have a plan between both of you.

Most importantly - OP - Be kind to yourself. Do things for you.

This is how I got thru my 6 months.
It is a lot of work. I am proud of myself. My husband has no idea how difficult it is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you put them to work? Ask them to pitch in/"do you mind doing xyz, it would be soo helpful!" Then either you have help or they don't like it and they decide not to stay so long...or at all.

My MIL lives with us, and is also from another culture (not Asian), but she's enormously helpful. I don't know how we would do it without her. I don't know how other people do it without the so-called village. Not that she doesn't drive me crazy sometimes; she most certainly does. But she's SO helpful I can't really complain too much. Sometimes I suspect that's her plan, ha.

New Poster. My Asian MIL is quite helpful when she stays with us. She helps with cooking and watches the kids if needed. I don't ask her to do these things but she does it herself. However, afterwards she will go on and on about how she was able to work, cook elaborate meals, and raise 2 successful children without any help from her inlaws as they lived in India (with their oldest son). So I'd rather not take any of her help since she has this kind of attitude towards it.

Anonymous wrote:Can you put them to work? Ask them to pitch in/"do you mind doing xyz, it would be soo helpful!" Then either you have help or they don't like it and they decide not to stay so long...or at all.

My MIL lives with us, and is also from another culture (not Asian), but she's enormously helpful. I don't know how we would do it without her. I don't know how other people do it without the so-called village. Not that she doesn't drive me crazy sometimes; she most certainly does. But she's SO helpful I can't really complain too much. Sometimes I suspect that's her plan, ha.

Anonymous wrote:Regarding the 'it's cultural' statement I was wondering are all Indian/Pakistani women expected to have their inlaws live with them eventually?

Does this also apply for Indian/Pakistani- Americans so just more recent immigrants?

Anonymous wrote:Regarding the 'it's cultural' statement I was wondering are all Indian/Pakistani women expected to have their inlaws live with them eventually?

Does this also apply for Indian/Pakistani- Americans so just more recent immigrants?