I'd err on the side of caution and spend MIL's "last ___" with her at first, but by the second and certainly the 3rd "last Thanksgiving," I'd start mixing things up a bit. I'm sure this is easier said than done. My grandfather had cancer for 14 years and the prognosis was always changing. His kids said "good-by" to him for years and years always thinking it was "the last."

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends upon her prognosis. My mil was diagnosed with a terminal illness. For YEARS, all we heard from her and my SIL that it is "mom's" last (fill in the blank) and we were expected to dump my side of the family and flock to her. My mom ended up dying of terminal cancer years before MIL.

I'm sorry for your loss, PP.

I think it depends upon her prognosis. My mil was diagnosed with a terminal illness. For YEARS, all we heard from her and my SIL that it is "mom's" last (fill in the blank) and we were expected to dump my side of the family and flock to her. My mom ended up dying of terminal cancer years before MIL.

Anonymous wrote:
No brainer, OP. Your mom. Done.

+1

No brainer, OP. Your mom. Done.

Well, there are many forms of cancer, and of course the prognosis varies widely. I am lucky enough to have a large extended family. A consequence of that, though, is that someone always has some potential he terminal disease. You seem like you are reasonable, and it doesn't appear your in-laws have an anyway pressure you to go to their home. Why not just tell them your preference and thank them for their understanding? No need to get into a fight or being count as it doesn't seem anyone is been counting other than in your mind. I would suggest against being overly dramatic about it, though, as your in-laws likely have many peers their age. As a result, they are probably well aware that many forms of cancer and other illnesses last four years. No need to have them think that you won't be visiting them for holidays so long as your mom is diagnosed with cancer. This first year would seem particularly hard, or if things sadly go south close to holidays other years, but I wouldn't give the idea that holidays are reserved for your mom going forward. I don't get the sense that is what you intend, but you may want to avoid that implication.

So very easy. Spend it with your mom.

I can't even believe there's a decision to be made. You spend the time with your mother who has cancer. Even if it is something that is 'likely' cured, it's still CANCER and scary as fuck for the person diagnosed. You spend the time with your mom, who needs support regardless or whether or not she is dying.

And if your in laws balk at this, then they are a special brand of evil.

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would spend Thanksgiving with my mom in this scenario, even if the prognosis was excellent, just because of how scary the situation would be for her.

+1

And for OP. How can she enjoy Thanksgiving with her in-laws if she's worrying about her mother and wishes she was with her mother? OP, plan a different time to visit with your in-laws. Family is not about bean-counting whose turn it is, and if your MIL were in your mother's situation she would want her son there for the holiday. I'm sure everyone will be on board with you going to your mom for the holiday. Best wishes to her for recovery.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would spend Thanksgiving with my mom in this scenario, even if the prognosis was excellent, just because of how scary the situation would be for her.

?

Yes. Imagine how she feels.

Your DH should be telling his parents that while you both love them, you're needed elsewhere this year. I can't imagine telling my spouse we needed to prioritize someone else just because it was "their turn" when my parent was ill and needed family around.

He should be stepping up right now and not making you agonize over this very easy, obvious decision.

In fact, so should your in laws.

You will resent them for a long time if you leave her alone and this is indeed her last thanksgiving. I hope it isn't. I hope she recovers fully. But she's got to be the priority at this time.

Anonymous wrote:Mom, then do a second one later with In-laws. They should not even expect you to choose.

+1

Anonymous wrote:Personally, I would spend Thanksgiving with my mom in this scenario, even if the prognosis was excellent, just because of how scary the situation would be for her.

Can DH take DD to his family and you go solo to your mom's for some time to spend with her and do useful, practical things too?

My little cousin - then 17 - was diagnosed with thyroid cancer which had spread to her lymph nodes a few years ago. It would have been my MIL's Christmas but as we didn't know if my cousin would have another Christmas we spent the day with my family.

Yes, MIL complained and whined a bit. But I have to admit that I really didn't care. There are other holidays - we spent Easter with MIL instead, as Easter is more important to her than to my family and my cousin was considered stable by then - and today I don't even think MIL remembers any more (if she did, she wouldn't have shut up about it). My cousin is fine now but had it been her last Christmas, which was a possibility back then, I would not have wanted to miss it. On the other hand, if anyone on DH's side of the family was diagnosed with something that might be fatal, we'd spend the next holiday with them no matter what.

Is there any way to host both sides at your house? Take the pressure off your mom to cook and say you can't stand not seeing in-laws since its their year technically? Or do thanksgiving with your in-laws and spend the day and/or weekend afterwards with your mom?

So sorry to hear your mom is going through this. Thoughts are with you OP!

spend with your mom