Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have it with your family and invite your ILs to join you; offer to pay for the hotel.

Or invite both families to YOUR house!

What is your Christmas/other holiday situation?

I guess that would solve the travel problem, but it would still be a small thanksgiving with teenagers and my toddlers. And MIL would still be cooking, but to top it off in my kitchen. Will think about it though.

DH is Jewish and I'm not, so we do do Xmas with my family (which is probably why I agreed to this in the first place). That said, we do Xmas at my mom's who lives in the south far away from the rest of my family, so it's not really the same as Thanksgiving when the whole family has been getting together at my aunt's nearby.

Do you do Passover with his family or Easter with yours (on the years they overlap)? There are not just two big holidays throughout the year for some people. We're Jewish and Turkey Day is always a big holiday for my extended family, but on years that I miss it, I don't get too worked up over it because in six months we'll have our Seder, which is basically like Thanksgiving but with more food and a token ceremony (we're not very religious -- obviously).

Also, it doesn't have to be a every year vs. every other year decision. I think it's completely fair to say, "I haven't celebrated Thanksgiving with my family in 10 years, I'd like to switch it up just for next year." And then just do it with your family next year, but plan on going to the IL's for the next few years after that.

OP, it sounds like your new SIL has given you a great opening to change how you're doing things. "Family, I love how Sally wants to balance our Thanksgiving traditions with her own family's way of doing things - and it's made me realize how much I miss sharing that holiday with MY family. I think we're going to copy her and start alternating years too."

It's okay that you've done things one way for a long time, and it's also okay to change them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why OP didn't alternate. My husband LOVES Thanksgiving and it's the only time of the year he sees his extended family. Before we got married he said he would give up Christmas if we could always do Thanksgiving with his family.

Yes it gets tiresome. Must they always dry out the turkey? But sometimes it's not about the food; it's about your spouse. Speaking as someone who understands, suck it up and let it go. The tradition will change soon, as the family ages and loss happens. We hosted for a few years and I was able to control the food and crowd to some extent. I learned not to change too much tradition though.

I'm sorry, I still do not understand how grown folk want to and/or agree to do the same thing for DECADES. There is no way that today, I will know how I want to spend the holidays 10 years from now. I love my family just as much as your husband does, but I cannot imagine saying the only place I will ever spend such and such holiday is with them. Sounds a bit immature and short sighted.

It was pretty clear that we would always do Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with my DH's family because the logistics were better (ILs are local). And we were going to need to take turns/compromise because grownups compromise. There's nothing immature or short-sighted about that.

My MIL, like OP's, was not a good cook, although she was a dear woman in many ways. She died early last year, and the food at Thanksgiving was much better. That doesn't mean the holiday was better, but I, like some of the other posters hers, realized for years that eating her meh dinners was a small price to pay for getting to have her around AND, even as I realize that, I was acutely aware of how ungood the food was.

Allow me to rephrase, why was it necessary to commit to doing the holidays a certain way FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? What if one year you want to go skiing for the holidays or you want to go to a restaurant instead of someone's house. The whole thing seems rather rigid to me.

You're coming off awfully judgmental. It seems rigid because well, it is. But it also works for us. We can go skiing some other weekend. It's about respecting your spouse and his family. This is what they do everything Thanksgiving. They've done this since before spouse was even born. You may get to change a dish or the location, but the extended family is expected to have Thanksgiving together. I knew this before we married and accepted it. Why did I agree to this tradition for decades? Because it's a small sacrifice to make for your loved one and your marriage. I just wasn't a deal breaker for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why OP didn't alternate. My husband LOVES Thanksgiving and it's the only time of the year he sees his extended family. Before we got married he said he would give up Christmas if we could always do Thanksgiving with his family.

Yes it gets tiresome. Must they always dry out the turkey? But sometimes it's not about the food; it's about your spouse. Speaking as someone who understands, suck it up and let it go. The tradition will change soon, as the family ages and loss happens. We hosted for a few years and I was able to control the food and crowd to some extent. I learned not to change too much tradition though.

I'm sorry, I still do not understand how grown folk want to and/or agree to do the same thing for DECADES. There is no way that today, I will know how I want to spend the holidays 10 years from now. I love my family just as much as your husband does, but I cannot imagine saying the only place I will ever spend such and such holiday is with them. Sounds a bit immature and short sighted.

It was pretty clear that we would always do Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with my DH's family because the logistics were better (ILs are local). And we were going to need to take turns/compromise because grownups compromise. There's nothing immature or short-sighted about that.

My MIL, like OP's, was not a good cook, although she was a dear woman in many ways. She died early last year, and the food at Thanksgiving was much better. That doesn't mean the holiday was better, but I, like some of the other posters hers, realized for years that eating her meh dinners was a small price to pay for getting to have her around AND, even as I realize that, I was acutely aware of how ungood the food was.

Allow me to rephrase, why was it necessary to commit to doing the holidays a certain way FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE? What if one year you want to go skiing for the holidays or you want to go to a restaurant instead of someone's house. The whole thing seems rather rigid to me.

I cant even feel sorry for you! why the fuck would you give up Thanksgiving with your family?? That was stupid as hell!
Does your husband make you go to his mom's?

Anonymous wrote:I understand why OP didn't alternate. My husband LOVES Thanksgiving and it's the only time of the year he sees his extended family. Before we got married he said he would give up Christmas if we could always do Thanksgiving with his family.

Yes it gets tiresome. Must they always dry out the turkey? But sometimes it's not about the food; it's about your spouse. Speaking as someone who understands, suck it up and let it go. The tradition will change soon, as the family ages and loss happens. We hosted for a few years and I was able to control the food and crowd to some extent. I learned not to change too much tradition though.

Finally some sane advice on here. I can't believe how many of you live in tit-for-tat score keeping marriages where everything has to be split down the middle regardless of circumstances. We've recently experienced more than our share of the loss PP refers to, but I just don't share that perspective. Every family is different, with different religions, traditions, blended family situations, people in different locations, etc. That doesn't mean you have to stick with something just because you agreed to it a long time ago, but personally I think OP's reasons are not worth it. It's not about the oysters and perfect turkey and it's not about what your sister-in-law is doinuv or what kids your kids can play with. It's about your DH and what's important to him, and how important it is. If in light of that you still think it's worth pressing, go for it. But do it for the right reasons. (Hint: not champagne and oysters.)

Anonymous wrote:I would definitely alternate years.

Or invite everyone to your house (this is what we do).

This. ILs on both sides have to accept that their children grow up and get married, families merge and expand. It's odd that your husband doesn't notice and makes the assumption that you'll naturally spend Thanksgiving with his family every year. You'll have to tell him that you want a change. Don't suffer in silence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why OP didn't alternate. My husband LOVES Thanksgiving and it's the only time of the year he sees his extended family. Before we got married he said he would give up Christmas if we could always do Thanksgiving with his family.

Yes it gets tiresome. Must they always dry out the turkey? But sometimes it's not about the food; it's about your spouse. Speaking as someone who understands, suck it up and let it go. The tradition will change soon, as the family ages and loss happens. We hosted for a few years and I was able to control the food and crowd to some extent. I learned not to change too much tradition though.

I'm sorry, I still do not understand how grown folk want to and/or agree to do the same thing for DECADES. There is no way that today, I will know how I want to spend the holidays 10 years from now. I love my family just as much as your husband does, but I cannot imagine saying the only place I will ever spend such and such holiday is with them. Sounds a bit immature and short sighted.

It was pretty clear that we would always do Christmas with my family and Thanksgiving with my DH's family because the logistics were better (ILs are local). And we were going to need to take turns/compromise because grownups compromise. There's nothing immature or short-sighted about that.

My MIL, like OP's, was not a good cook, although she was a dear woman in many ways. She died early last year, and the food at Thanksgiving was much better. That doesn't mean the holiday was better, but I, like some of the other posters hers, realized for years that eating her meh dinners was a small price to pay for getting to have her around AND, even as I realize that, I was acutely aware of how ungood the food was.

Anonymous wrote:The Jewish angel is tough, since you can't split the holidays since his family doesn't do Xmas. I'd still ask if you can plan to attend your family's every other year. You might have to be prepared to give up Xmas with your family though and stay local for that. Just bring it up for next year. Float the idea now. Gently. Don't push it, just throw it out there that you've been thinking about it.

I also like the offer for you to host everyone (both sides). That could help shake it up and get everyone out of their routines, including your inlaws.

As someone who is part of a mixed-faith family, I disagree that the in-laws being Jewish makes this more complicated. Thanksgiving and Christmas are two separate holidays and should be treated as such. Thanksgiving can be alternated, Christmas spent with OP's family, and then perhaps OP and her family pick one of the Jewish holidays when they will travel to the in-laws to celebrate. Depend on how OP's in-laws value the holiday, they could either travel out for some part of Chanukah on a weekend to be with the in-laws, or could travel out earlier in the fall for Rosh Hashanah. OP's family's Christianity shouldn't mean they completely lose out on a separate secular holiday like Thanksgiving.

Anonymous wrote:I woukd want to do every other year with my side of the family. Where are the other holidays spent?

This seems obvious. Talk to DH, change things up! It sounds like you've been more than fair.

Anonymous wrote:I understand why OP didn't alternate. My husband LOVES Thanksgiving and it's the only time of the year he sees his extended family. Before we got married he said he would give up Christmas if we could always do Thanksgiving with his family.

Yes it gets tiresome. Must they always dry out the turkey? But sometimes it's not about the food; it's about your spouse. Speaking as someone who understands, suck it up and let it go. The tradition will change soon, as the family ages and loss happens. We hosted for a few years and I was able to control the food and crowd to some extent. I learned not to change too much tradition though.

I'm sorry, I still do now understand how grown folk want to and/or agree to do the same thing for DECADES. There is no way that today, I will know how I want to spend the holidays 10 years from now. I love my family just as much as your husband does, but I cannot imagine saying the only place I will ever spend such and such holiday is with them. Sounds a bit immature and short sighted.

Alternate on the same schedule as your SIL and BIL. That way every other year DH's whole family is getting together.

I understand why OP didn't alternate. My husband LOVES Thanksgiving and it's the only time of the year he sees his extended family. Before we got married he said he would give up Christmas if we could always do Thanksgiving with his family.

Yes it gets tiresome. Must they always dry out the turkey? But sometimes it's not about the food; it's about your spouse. Speaking as someone who understands, suck it up and let it go. The tradition will change soon, as the family ages and loss happens. We hosted for a few years and I was able to control the food and crowd to some extent. I learned not to change too much tradition though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's weird that you completely gave up thanksgiving with your family when you married. We alternate years.

This

And now you are resentful that SIL has more of a backbone than you,

+1. MIL was crazy when she insisted you come every year and you need to grow a backbone and do what you want.

Its not fair to give up a holiday entirely just because his family doesn't celebrate another holiday. Go to Thanksgiving sometimes with your family and stay home for Christmas. We love being alone at Christmas, we can cook whatever we want - no family to cater to.