Thanks, you raise some good points. I just have to try to understand, accept it, and just continue to see her when we can.

Thanks all....

This sounds really hard OP, I'm sorry. Keep your annual trip to see her scheduled and keep offering to help her travel to you. After that, try to let go of the anger towards your mother and the guilt of not going to see her more.

It sucks when people we love let us down like this.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes you just have to accept the limitations of your parents. It blows, but we can't control other people - all we can control is our reactions.

Been there, done that.

+1

Sometimes you just have to accept the limitations of your parents. It blows, but we can't control other people - all we can control is our reactions.

Been there, done that.

Its really very simple ... your mom get less from visiting than she has headache from visiting.

What do I think, she is an idiot and I would hitchhike to see my grandchildren.

With that said accept that she will never visit and move on.

Wow, I can't believe the harsh responses here.

OP, i get what you're saying and your frustration. you visit her when you can, but it's not enough for your mom, however your mom won't do anything to help see you more.

I think when she says, oh, I wish I saw you more, you just have to not feel guilty, and say, mom, you know we can't get up there more than once a year. If you visited me once a year, we'd see you double what we have now.

No good advice to offer, but just sympathy. My parents don't visit me either. DH and I have been in the DC area for a decade, and my parents have visited exactly 4 times. They are about 4 hours away, and in the same age range as OPs mom. I think they just don't feel like it. I have two siblings, both of whom are still in my home town. It bums me out a lot, but what is there to do? I make the effort to see them about every other month - and I do convince them to meet us halfway for a lot of those visits, to cut down on travel time for me. I feel like that's all I can do.

My in laws, on the other hand, are about the same distance away from DC, and visit 2-3 times a year.

Anonymous wrote:Reading between the lines it sounds as though you really want free childcare. I do not blame your mother for not wanting to visit you.

Um, no. My child care is all taken care of.

Your mom has a phobia/intense anxiety. It's not that she does not want to see you/love you and your girls. she is paralyzed by irrational fears.

Reading between the lines it sounds as though you really want free childcare. I do not blame your mother for not wanting to visit you.

To those saying 68 is young: it can and should be young. We have some relatives that age who are fit and healthy and seeing the world. We also have a couple of relatives this same age who are now seeming old. In these cases, there tend to be some health problems but also increasing signs of anxiety and/or depression. Sounds like there are some similarities to your mom. You may need to accept the fact that she just can't be the mom/grandmother you'd like her to be--but most likely it's all about her issues, not you. Don't take it personally.

I think it's entirely fair for you to reject any guilt trips, and you may want to consider urging her to seeks some help about her travel-related anxiety. Would her partner be a resource for you in this, if you mentioned to him that you were concerned that your mom is shutting out the world prematurely?

No, 68 really isn't that old. I could see if she were ninety, that the travel might be too much for her. But if she pulls this when she is 68 and then lives to be 98, you're looking at thirty years of her being 'too old' to ever reciprocate. And at some point you will likely be the same age that she is now, but she will still always win because she's older.

I don't think it's fair when relatively young people pull the age card in this way. A lot of people who are 68 are still working -- because they have to, to pay the bills. And they don't have the self-indulgent option of deciding that they are too old to use a computer, own a cell phone, drive, travel to the annual meeting for their profession, etc. My MIL started doing this "I'm too old to learn new things" routine when she was in her early sixties. She cannot do a variety of things -- since she doesn't have internet or a computer she cannot buy a plane ticket online, get an e-mail regarding coordination of family events, look at pictures of the children on facebook and as a result, people have to spend a lot of time basically being her secretary -- mailing pictures, buying her plane tickets and mailing them to her. She also is too old to use the ATM, the electronic grocery checkout, etc. etc. etc.

If someone chooses to be too old and to make life inconvenient for others at every turn, then they need to be willing to accept the consequences of that decision, which might include not being able to visit or see others as often as they would like.

Your kids are old enough to go alone. Is it possible for them to visit either together or separately one more time a year?
Perhaps, they go in the summer and then you and they go during winter break. That way it doubles the time they see each other.

In lieu of that, skype and facetime help a bit.

Anonymous wrote:Did you already offer to pay for her *and* the boyfriend? I guess they may need a hotel. It might be cheaper to go, but I understand you, OP.

Yes. I told her we'd take her any time she wanted, with or without her dog (tiny little chihuahua), with our without boyfriend, via plane, train, automobile, picking her up, and paying. Whatever it took to get her to come.

My response to her declining to come was, just let me know if you ever change your mind, the offer stands.

We will continue to visit her in the summer as we have every year.

My mother visited me once in 25 years - for my child's christening. We were about 800 miles away. She had travel anxiety and wouldn't travel more than 30 miles. I accepted her anxiety and didn't judge her. Unfortunately, we didn't have money to visit her as often as I would've liked, so my child didn't get to know her grandmother very well. After my mother passed, I learned she had more money than I expected and wondered why she didn't offer to pay some of our travel expenses. Then, I decided to let that go, too. She was who she was.