Anonymous wrote:"Mom, if a couple hours of play based preschool is going to set you off, then I can't feel comfortable sharing normal updates on our family life with you. I'd like to be open and honest, but I don't have the bandwidth for the hysterics I'm getting in return. Call me when you've collected yourself" then hang up.

+1000

"You're right! Okay, we won't send him.""

::sends child to preschool::

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to share less and less info with your mom. When you talk with her on the phone, tell her everything is great and don't go into too many details.

LOL.. that's what I do. Mom asks... how are the kids, are they ok? I say yes everyone is fine, even if my kid has a really bad cold. I just don't want to hear the barrage that comes after that .... make sure you do xyz... try to prevent them from getting colds (seriously, she says shit like this). I only share really good news, like what they've accomplished. Thank god she lives across the country.

I had a much milder form of this for awhile with my mom. She's hardly the terror your mom is, but I used to get a very disapproving vibe from her about my older child. I didn't make any announcements, but I stopped sharing details about what was going on with us. I stayed friendly, but vague, because I didn't want to get into it with her. And a couple of years later, when those issues seemed less concerning, I went back to normal.

Especially since your mom is long distance, this can work for you. Obviously Thanksgiving will be a pain, and others here have provided good ways to cope with that, but going forward you can be cheerful and newsy on the phone. But vague. You need to sell it though.

Rather than stone walling your mom out of this part of your family life, I think you should just be honest about the implications of her behavior:

"Mom, I told you about Johnnie's preschool because I wanted to keep you updated on our family life, but your reaction makes it seem like you can't handle it. If that's true, then okay, I'll respect where you're at and you won't hear another word about it. If that's not true, then let's move on."

If she replies with "but he's not ready! this isn't about my reaction! blah blah blah" then say "thanks for being honest about how you feel" then change the subject.

The more you explain your reasons to her, the more she thinks these reasons are up for debate. Do.Not.Engage. So something like this:

Gma: I can't believe you're sending Larlo to that wretched school, why can't you just got to mommy and me at the library?

You: I know that's how you feel.

Gma: But you can't send him, he's not ready.

You: Yes, you've mentioned that.

Gma: So you won't send him?

You: would you like some more coffee?

Gma: Nancy! You aren't listening to me!

You: How about a trip to the park?

And on and on and on. Do NOT respond to ANY discussion about his readiness for preschool. Don't tell her when he starts, where the school is, what the programs are like. Zero discussion about it. Ignore any attempts by her to bring it up. Have your DH respond with "you should talk to DW about that". Ignore ignore ignore.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to share less and less info with your mom. When you talk with her on the phone, tell her everything is great and don't go into too many details.

+1. If your mother had healthy boundaries, sharing with her would be fine. She doesn't have healthy boundaries, though, so don't share anything with her that you don't want to hear her contrary opinion on. I've had to do this with my mother, and it's helped dramatically.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your mom. Also, I think you are reacting so strongly because--deep down--you know she is right.

You are foolish and childish to dismiss her opinion entirely. Don't you value your mom's opinions and advice, which are born of a lot more life experience than you have yourself?

Life experience such as making her spend time with a mean girl because it was convenient for her?

OP, pick a phrase and repeat. It will take a while to shut her down, but in the meantime, you will be able to disengage. "Our kid, our decision."

At some point, you will be able to tune her out so successfully that she will ask if you want a cup of tea and you'll automatically say, "Our kid, our decision."

"Mom, if a couple hours of play based preschool is going to set you off, then I can't feel comfortable sharing normal updates on our family life with you. I'd like to be open and honest, but I don't have the bandwidth for the hysterics I'm getting in return. Call me when you've collected yourself" then hang up.

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your mom. Also, I think you are reacting so strongly because--deep down--you know she is right.

You are foolish and childish to dismiss her opinion entirely. Don't you value your mom's opinions and advice, which are born of a lot more life experience than you have yourself?

When she asks the same questions over and over just keep saying "asked and answered". Nothing more.

I agree with your mom. Also, I think you are reacting so strongly because--deep down--you know she is right.

You are foolish and childish to dismiss her opinion entirely. Don't you value your mom's opinions and advice, which are born of a lot more life experience than you have yourself?

glad to know I'm not the only one with this problem. Sorry, OP, no advice. I occasionally get nasty with my mom when she pushes too many of my buttons, because I know that means she'll stop calling and e-mailing for several weeks and buy me some breathing room. Not exactly the coping strategy I recommend, though.

OP, you need to share less and less info with your mom. When you talk with her on the phone, tell her everything is great and don't go into too many details.

if we asked her for her thoughts

And why do you?
Stop talking about it. If it's mentioned once and Mom gives her opinion once,
after that say you don't want to talk about it with her anymore.
You both are probably guilty of stirring the pot.