Anonymous
11/02/2015 07:23
Subject: Re:My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
^^^^ finding *
Anonymous
11/02/2015 07:22
Subject: Re:My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
Oh op, I'm so sorry to hear this! I went through something similar with my MIL recently but at least she had enough money for me to pay sitters to stay with her from time to time so I could go out sometimes.
Does he have a doctor? You have to be honest with the doctor and find a way to take him to the hospital and once he is there, you tell them you cannot have him return to your home because you are unable to care for him and keep him safe due to his dementia. Also tell them you are afraid for your children because he has outbursts.
They have social workers and can work on fixing him a place. They will not dump him on the streets - don't worry.
Be firm op. Think about your children.
Does he have a doctor? You have to be honest with the doctor and find a way to take him to the hospital and once he is there, you tell them you cannot have him return to your home because you are unable to care for him and keep him safe due to his dementia. Also tell them you are afraid for your children because he has outbursts.
They have social workers and can work on fixing him a place. They will not dump him on the streets - don't worry.
Be firm op. Think about your children.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 19:44
Subject: Re:My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
Anonymous wrote:I have to support the posts saying that you need to get him out of the house and then be very, very adamant with all those involved -- hospital, doctors, mental health professionals and social workers, state aid, whoever -- that he will not be returning to your home. You WILL get grief, OP, and you and your husband will have to be extremely strong-willed about saying that returning to your home is not an option, not even a temporary one. I feel so horrible for you and your family, and I think your husband is terrific to care for your father the way he did when you were ill.
If you need to, enlist your own doctors to press the case that you are unable to care for your father in your home any longer because it risks damage to your health.
You were so good to take him in that I worry you will let guilt get to you. But your marriage is at risk, and your children are witnessing awful stuff -- if the issue were just that "granddad is incontinent" that would be one thing, and something you could deal with, but the cursing and yelling and stripping off and walking around are creating a home that is no longer a home for your kids.
One thing to consider: Will your siblings back you on this, or will they -- even though YOU and not they have done all of the care and housing -- suddenly come at you with accusations that you don't care, you're abandoning dad, etc.? That is another area where you might have to be very strong and even risk being alienated from your siblings, IF that might happen. But your own husband and children need to come first, and they never will as long as dad is under your roof.
This is such a sad situation and points out how desperately a much faster, streamlined system is needed for getting help to sick people and to their stressed caregivers. Don't lose your own family because you did the right thing and tried to care for your dad. I hate having to say that you should get him into a hospital and then refuse to have him back, but if that is the only option that prevents you from ending up sick yourself, you might have to do it.
Yes yes and yes, all of this. And remember that nothing that you do now will repair the damage your dad did in your childhood. It seems like that may be what you're hoping for by caring for him, that he will miraculously turn into someone who appreciates you. Not gonna happen.
Anonymous
11/01/2015 19:42
Subject: Re:My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
You may still be his daughter, but you are also a mother and a wife. You are asking too much of your family, all in the name of taking care of someone who has been toxic for most of your life. The fact that in the last couple of years he's been "ok" does not mean it's ok or acceptable to traumatize your own kids (your own words OP) with his "insane behavior".
You need to get your dad out of your house. Whatever his small pension can pay for, set him up, and possibly ask your siblings to help you in some way or give you advice. But you cannot destroy your own family for him. You are looking for some closure with your dad that you're almost definitely not going to get, and putting your family through instability and stress and crazy behavior from your dad is just going to do more damage.
Please get him out of your house. He may have all kinds of reasons/history for his behavior during his life and he may not be responsible for his demons, but you are absolutely definitely NOT responsible for his problems, and you ARE responsible for taking care of your family and protecting your kids.
You need to get your dad out of your house. Whatever his small pension can pay for, set him up, and possibly ask your siblings to help you in some way or give you advice. But you cannot destroy your own family for him. You are looking for some closure with your dad that you're almost definitely not going to get, and putting your family through instability and stress and crazy behavior from your dad is just going to do more damage.
Please get him out of your house. He may have all kinds of reasons/history for his behavior during his life and he may not be responsible for his demons, but you are absolutely definitely NOT responsible for his problems, and you ARE responsible for taking care of your family and protecting your kids.
Anonymous
10/26/2015 18:29
Subject: My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
Np here who works in the field:
Some additional information about WHY the hospitalization first is a must.
Under Medicare part A, which is issued universally at 65 so your father more than likely has it, requires 3 day stay at a hospital and then will pay for 21 days in a subacute rehab.
So, when you tell the hospital he has nowhere to go, they will keep him 3 days to kick in his Med A benefits and send him to a nursing facility that has Medicaid beds. At that point, he will have 21 free days of rehab before his responsibility of 20/80 kicks in. If he has any money at all, he can pay until he runs out. If not, the facility will work to get him into either one of their Medicaid beds or transfer him to a facility that accepts Medicaid. They will be the ones to get all that paperwork in order and make sure they are getting paid.
Some additional information about WHY the hospitalization first is a must.
Under Medicare part A, which is issued universally at 65 so your father more than likely has it, requires 3 day stay at a hospital and then will pay for 21 days in a subacute rehab.
So, when you tell the hospital he has nowhere to go, they will keep him 3 days to kick in his Med A benefits and send him to a nursing facility that has Medicaid beds. At that point, he will have 21 free days of rehab before his responsibility of 20/80 kicks in. If he has any money at all, he can pay until he runs out. If not, the facility will work to get him into either one of their Medicaid beds or transfer him to a facility that accepts Medicaid. They will be the ones to get all that paperwork in order and make sure they are getting paid.
Anonymous
10/26/2015 18:18
Subject: Re:My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
On a medical note, I very much doubt he has cyclical vomiting syndrome if he is throwing up every day. By definition, CVS happens episodically, and that does not mean day to day. Because he is diabetic, it is more likely he has gastroparesis. Unfortunately the treatments for this are not great but he should be able to get Zofran or Reglan at least.
This is one of the worst family situations I have heard of in a long time. So sorry OP.
This is one of the worst family situations I have heard of in a long time. So sorry OP.
Anonymous
10/26/2015 17:53
Subject: My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
Agree that the best option is a hospitalization and then refuse to take him home. The hospital will have an incentive to get him out and will find a bed. We had to do something similar. It sucks but our family member wasn't safe in our house. That's your angle too. Document any falls, etc.
Anonymous
10/26/2015 16:57
Subject: My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
Good luck OP - I hope some of the PPs give you hope!!
Anonymous
10/26/2015 16:49
Subject: My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
I'm so sorry OP. Do you have a social worker? If not, get one in your county/city ASAP. Push hard on getting the Medicaid approved and him into a nursing home. Your kids and your marriage shouldn't fall apart b/c of your dad. He needs to be elsewhere so your family can survive/thrive. Best wishes.
Anonymous
10/26/2015 15:29
Subject: Re:My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
I have to support the posts saying that you need to get him out of the house and then be very, very adamant with all those involved -- hospital, doctors, mental health professionals and social workers, state aid, whoever -- that he will not be returning to your home. You WILL get grief, OP, and you and your husband will have to be extremely strong-willed about saying that returning to your home is not an option, not even a temporary one. I feel so horrible for you and your family, and I think your husband is terrific to care for your father the way he did when you were ill.
If you need to, enlist your own doctors to press the case that you are unable to care for your father in your home any longer because it risks damage to your health.
You were so good to take him in that I worry you will let guilt get to you. But your marriage is at risk, and your children are witnessing awful stuff -- if the issue were just that "granddad is incontinent" that would be one thing, and something you could deal with, but the cursing and yelling and stripping off and walking around are creating a home that is no longer a home for your kids.
One thing to consider: Will your siblings back you on this, or will they -- even though YOU and not they have done all of the care and housing -- suddenly come at you with accusations that you don't care, you're abandoning dad, etc.? That is another area where you might have to be very strong and even risk being alienated from your siblings, IF that might happen. But your own husband and children need to come first, and they never will as long as dad is under your roof.
This is such a sad situation and points out how desperately a much faster, streamlined system is needed for getting help to sick people and to their stressed caregivers. Don't lose your own family because you did the right thing and tried to care for your dad. I hate having to say that you should get him into a hospital and then refuse to have him back, but if that is the only option that prevents you from ending up sick yourself, you might have to do it.
If you need to, enlist your own doctors to press the case that you are unable to care for your father in your home any longer because it risks damage to your health.
You were so good to take him in that I worry you will let guilt get to you. But your marriage is at risk, and your children are witnessing awful stuff -- if the issue were just that "granddad is incontinent" that would be one thing, and something you could deal with, but the cursing and yelling and stripping off and walking around are creating a home that is no longer a home for your kids.
One thing to consider: Will your siblings back you on this, or will they -- even though YOU and not they have done all of the care and housing -- suddenly come at you with accusations that you don't care, you're abandoning dad, etc.? That is another area where you might have to be very strong and even risk being alienated from your siblings, IF that might happen. But your own husband and children need to come first, and they never will as long as dad is under your roof.
This is such a sad situation and points out how desperately a much faster, streamlined system is needed for getting help to sick people and to their stressed caregivers. Don't lose your own family because you did the right thing and tried to care for your dad. I hate having to say that you should get him into a hospital and then refuse to have him back, but if that is the only option that prevents you from ending up sick yourself, you might have to do it.
Anonymous
10/26/2015 13:38
Subject: My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
Not sure where you're located, but VA's Dept of Aging has some online resources:
http://easyaccess.virginia.gov/
http://www.vda.virginia.gov/findservicesintro.asp
Good luck to you.
http://easyaccess.virginia.gov/
http://www.vda.virginia.gov/findservicesintro.asp
Good luck to you.
Anonymous
10/25/2015 17:51
Subject: My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
++ Get him into a hospital, the social workers there can figure out Medicare/Medicaid options after you make it clear he can't come home. You can't care for him at home if he is a danger to your children/family or unsafe. Do not sign anything making yourself responsible.
Anonymous
10/25/2015 11:35
Subject: Re:My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
Anonymous wrote:If he gets hospitalized, Medicare will pay for some nursing home time. Another thought is call Adult Protective Services and ask for assistance. Some nursing homes will take a Medicaid pending patient that has good family support - the family support is important because family needs to complete the Medicaid application.
APS rarely will get involved in a situation where he technically has care and a home. We tried that route and they were not helpful at all.
Anonymous
10/25/2015 09:33
Subject: My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
Do not give him the option to refuse. Find a nursing home and place him there. In MD, you go in medicaid pending. The catch is very few nursing homes will take medicaid pending. They do not preapprove long term care medicaid (we went through this a year ago with a family member we were caring for and could no longer do it). If he is that sick, take him to the hospital and get him hospitalized and they can then transfer him to a nursing home. Its a lot easier than just a direct nursing home placement, which is what we did.
Anonymous
10/25/2015 09:29
Subject: Re:My dad is killing my soul and devouring my family's spirit,
Call 911 and have him taken to the ER for "altered mental status" or something like that. He will be admitted. You can visit once he is admitted and say that you can't care for him at home and needs to be placed in a nursing home. The social workers will figure out the rest. Before you call 911, make sure he looks somewhat decent (not covered in shit etc) so that they don't consider calling the police for elder abuse. Do the ER staff a favor and send a med list with him, major medical history, a list of his doctors, and what days he has dialysis.