Anonymous wrote:Is this normal? I am livid. I don't want to overreact but I never talked to my mom like this. FYI this came about because she did not brush her teeth and her breath smelled bad. She is about to visit a friend so my purpose is to be helpful. What to do? She is way to old to spank and I tried the I am cancelling get together--got a whatever back. I am reluctant to cancel because this child is an only child with some anxiety and I don't want to cause her family problems.

If you told her about her smelly breath in a way that fed into her anxiety, then you were partly to blame. Of course, calling you a jerk is not an appropriate response, but you may need to pick your battles here. I certainly have to pick my battles with my anxious kid..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would advise you to figure out how to lovingly connect with your daughter rather than figuring out how to punish her.

Says mom of the toddler...

This response is so disrespectful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I would be mad as well, and definitely wouldn't let it slide. It sounds like she may have felt embarrassed when you told her her breath stinks; I know my daughter would have. I try to find out if that was the root for her anger. I would tell her it is never okay for her to call you names. Then I would have her write me a list of three appropriate responses or ways to address me when I tell her something that she doesn't agree with or hurts her feelings. I would go over the list with her, talk about my role as her mother (to be shown respect and tell her when her hygiene is lacking), and hug it out. I wouldn't cancel the play date. Good luck.

This is the best response I have seen on this thread. Along with the one right above it - were you a jerk when you said it?

I would work with her on how to express her feelings about adults (including you) TO adults. How she did so earlier was not appropriate. I was not taught to do this (many people are not).

Agree! My mom did something similar for a similar incident when I was about your daughter's age that lesson stuck with me, not just the lesson of appropriate language, but also how she dealt with me she could have very easily used all her " mom powers" and come up with a terrifying punishment, but she didn't.

I also agree with the poster who mentioned to consider how you tell her these things some kids are far more sensitive about hygiene things than others.

Lastly, not a popular opinion on DCUM where the popular view tends to be control every aspect of your child until they are 18, but pick your battles, sure let her know her breath stinks, but let her figure out what to do about it.

Anonymous wrote:I would advise you to figure out how to lovingly connect with your daughter rather than figuring out how to punish her.

Says mom of the toddler...

I think just a lecture about what is and isn't appropriate to say to an adult is a good followup. I will also point out to her that while you didn't cancel this activity out of respect for the other girl, moving forward you will not think twice about not taking her to activities if she can't respect you. Let this one be a warning to her.

If one of my kids gets mouthy I usually give the evil eye and a stern "Excuse me? That's rude and uncalled for. Find a better way to express yourself. ". I reminded them that I did not call them names and I expect they would have the same courtesy for me-and everyone else for that matter.

Omg. Making a mountain out of a molehill.
My 8 year old is disrespectful sometimes. I holler at him, he hollers back, then calms down, comes to give me a hug and to apologize. Game over. He knows when he's wrong, just needs a little time.

Anonymous wrote:I would laugh and say "have fun at your play date! You'll get your punishment for that one when you get back. So glad I'll have the afternoon to really think about it and come up with something extra awesome. No go brush your teeth."

I love a nice punishment. I'm super creative. I might make her write jerk 200 times. Or "I will not call mommy names" 200 times. Or write every bad word she's ever wanted to call me and then write each 50 times.

Then we'd have a nice long talk about expressing anger and appropriate ways to do it.

What a cruel, idiotic way to think.

I bet your daughter grows up hating you. You are despicable.

I would laugh and say "have fun at your play date! You'll get your punishment for that one when you get back. So glad I'll have the afternoon to really think about it and come up with something extra awesome. No go brush your teeth."

I love a nice punishment. I'm super creative. I might make her write jerk 200 times. Or "I will not call mommy names" 200 times. Or write every bad word she's ever wanted to call me and then write each 50 times.

Then we'd have a nice long talk about expressing anger and appropriate ways to do it.

she's testing. I'd talk to her later about language, and give it a warning so she can learn control. better she experiments at home.

First of all she is not to old to spank. I'm in my 30's and my parents still spank me when I fuck up.

Anonymous wrote:What was your tone when you asked her to brush her teeth because of bad breath? If said in a compassionate loving manner, you didn't deserve her response. If otherwise, you were a jerk.

"Sweetie, your breath smells bad. People won't want to be around you if your breath smells bad. The way to fix that is to brush your teeth."

Loving smile and a hug.

Vs. "Hey.. your breath is gross. Go brush your teeth."

My teen would respond better to the second one. And we would absolutely not hug it out afterwards.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would advise you to figure out how to lovingly connect with your daughter rather than figuring out how to punish her.

I have never used the eye roll, but damn this deserves one.

Yes!!

I would tell her that I may be a jerk, but her breath still stinks and she needs to go brush her teeth.

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I would be mad as well, and definitely wouldn't let it slide. It sounds like she may have felt embarrassed when you told her her breath stinks; I know my daughter would have. I try to find out if that was the root for her anger. I would tell her it is never okay for her to call you names. Then I would have her write me a list of three appropriate responses or ways to address me when I tell her something that she doesn't agree with or hurts her feelings. I would go over the list with her, talk about my role as her mother (to be shown respect and tell her when her hygiene is lacking), and hug it out. I wouldn't cancel the play date. Good luck.

This is the best response I have seen on this thread. Along with the one right above it - were you a jerk when you said it?

I would work with her on how to express her feelings about adults (including you) TO adults. How she did so earlier was not appropriate. I was not taught to do this (many people are not).

What was your tone when you asked her to brush her teeth because of bad breath? If said in a compassionate loving manner, you didn't deserve her response. If otherwise, you were a jerk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 10 yr old DS, and boys can be just as mouthy. I think it's a personality thing.

A 10 min time out for a 10 yr old? That deserves an eye roll, too.

I would not necessarily cancel the playdate (because I wouldn't want to punish the anxiety-riddled child), but I would make my DD write me a letter of apology indicating why it was wrong to call me a jerk. If DD refused, then I'd take away a future privilege - no more playdates, for example.

As I said, my DS is mouthy (and I was, too), but I would never not address my 10 yr old calling a parent names. Wow. That's just ... so wrong on so many levels.

Time outs still work for older kids. It's the modern version of "go to your room." I prefer time-outs on the couch because my kids have stuff to do in their rooms, and sitting on the couch and doing nothing is super boring. If you think 10 minutes is too little, try 20 minutes or 30 minutes. It's awful. My mom used to do that to us when we fought and it was the worst.

I would never force a kid to write a letter of apology. You're setting up a huge battle, as you know. You're also asking the kid to do something and say something that they don't really believe in. They still think you are a jerk. They aren't really sorry. It's not honest.

And how does making them sit on the couch for 10min. not make her think you're a jerk? The purpose of the punishment is not to make the kid feel sorry, but to make the kid think about what she did.

Regardless of the punishment, the child may continue to think you're a jerk. At least by making her a write a letter of apology, she has to think about why it was wrong to say this to her parent. Sitting on the couch for 10min does jack shit. Like I said, if the kid doesn't write the letter, then take away privileges until the kid does.