Well, it's been my experience too. Expect your fathers life to be dictated by the new woman and her family. Your father will stop attending his grandchildren so functions in lieu of hers. On the bright side, if she wants him so badly that she is willing to interrupt a marital relationship--which, by the way, folks, only ends upon death or divorce--then she can be his caretaker when he gets sick. The only thing to be wary of is your father dipping into your mothers assets or neglecting her care and financial needs. In that case, I would either push him to divorce her and handle the proceeds from the divorce settlement in her interest, or become her guardian and petition for the divorce yourself. You don't want your mom getting substandard care or, God forbid, the plug pulled too soon because Betty needs $ to send her grandkids to private school

It was my mother that did this. She remarried at 52 to a man that had 6 adult kids - the youngest was my age. She pretty much ignored me and my siblings. To the point that when my older brother came home from a 2 year overseas deployment, she couldn't fly up from Florida (where they were wintering) because 2 of his kids would be visiting them at the same time. Last summer, we (me, DH and our 3 kids) made plans to drive out to the midwest (where she summers) to visit for a week. Two weeks before we were supposed to leave, she tells me she'll be housesitting/babysitting for one of her husband's kids. Oh, we were welcome to stay in her house but she'd be over an hour away.

I won't even go into the financial stuff or the myriad ways she demonstrated that his family is far more important than we are.

But, I digress and this doesn't address OP's situation. After seeing my FIL descend into dementia and require skilled nursing care for 2 years, I would have no problem with my MIL seeking companionship. The person who was her DH is gone in every way except his body. DH and I have had many conversations about it, how we want (or don't want) to be cared for if our quality of life becomes so poor. It's unfortunate the goal of medicine is so often to prevent death.

Your dad is totally out of line to spring this on you on short notice. Really, it's bad manners to bring an uninvited guest to someone else's house in general! I would tell him you need more time. Or, maybe this means your dad's judgment is starting to slip.

I think it's totally fair to ask him to keep this off your kids' radar for the time being, out of respect for their grandmother.

** refrain*** from any romantic behavior

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't really have a choice. I learned from unfortunate past experience with my own dad that men really aren't capable of being alone, and their need for female companionship transcends their (lesser) needs for: respect for their spouse, family, their own children, dignity, and decency. Your dad is going to go ahead with this no matter how you feel about it, and if you oppose it or express displeasure, YOU are the one he will eliminate from his life. HIS needs come first, as evidenced by his breezy request to bring his woman to your family's home. HE isn't concerned about the impact this has on the grand kids because they are trappings of his last female companion (his wife), who is no longer available to him, hence the grand kids are now less important than his new female companion.

Thanks, Dad, for giving me this insight into human/male nature. Oh yes, I need therapy!

So, your experience with your father gives you this insight into every single man on Earth? You've got issues.

Well, it's been my experience too. Expect your fathers life to be dictated by the new woman and her family. Your father will stop attending his grandchildren so functions in lieu of hers. On the bright side, if she wants him so badly that she is willing to interrupt a marital relationship--which, by the way, folks, only ends upon death or divorce--then she can be his caretaker when he gets sick. The only thing to be wary of is your father dipping into your mothers assets or neglecting her care and financial needs. In that case, I would either push him to divorce her and handle the proceeds from the divorce settlement in her interest, or become her guardian and petition for the divorce yourself. You don't want your mom getting substandard care or, God forbid, the plug pulled too soon because Betty needs $ to send her grandkids to private school.

And I will third that opinion. In my case it was an older relative with a younger woman, but I watched her dismantle every major facet of his life. He loved being outdoors, and was highly adventurous. She ensured via major drama that he never really went out further than the pool. Instead of adventure travel, she had them sign up for Rick Steves type tours oin large buses with groups. Almost missed my wedding for one. She moved his gorgeous study to a drafty barn where everything got ruined. And so on.

The point being, companionship is one thing. But if she is coming to your house, it would set off alarms for me. Does she know your parents are still married and your mom is stable? I would mention you mom a few times during dinner in front of both of them and see how the new woman takes it. If she gets uncomfortable and is less than fully supportive, I would say you have trouble on your hands.

If she can smile and be supportive, inspite of the awkwardness of the situation for her and for everyone, than maybe you have a team player who will help your dad. You might want to ask her what your children could call her if she will be coming to family functions... Aunt Therese? Cousin? And if you feel comfortable, I would just come right out and ask that they rearning from any romantic behavior (little stuff like calling each other honey) that could confuse your children, who loves their grandmother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't really have a choice. I learned from unfortunate past experience with my own dad that men really aren't capable of being alone, and their need for female companionship transcends their (lesser) needs for: respect for their spouse, family, their own children, dignity, and decency. Your dad is going to go ahead with this no matter how you feel about it, and if you oppose it or express displeasure, YOU are the one he will eliminate from his life. HIS needs come first, as evidenced by his breezy request to bring his woman to your family's home. HE isn't concerned about the impact this has on the grand kids because they are trappings of his last female companion (his wife), who is no longer available to him, hence the grand kids are now less important than his new female companion.

Thanks, Dad, for giving me this insight into human/male nature. Oh yes, I need therapy!

So, your experience with your father gives you this insight into every single man on Earth? You've got issues.

Well, it's been my experience too. Expect your fathers life to be dictated by the new woman and her family. Your father will stop attending his grandchildren so functions in lieu of hers. On the bright side, if she wants him so badly that she is willing to interrupt a marital relationship--which, by the way, folks, only ends upon death or divorce--then she can be his caretaker when he gets sick. The only thing to be wary of is your father dipping into your mothers assets or neglecting her care and financial needs. In that case, I would either push him to divorce her and handle the proceeds from the divorce settlement in her interest, or become her guardian and petition for the divorce yourself. You don't want your mom getting substandard care or, God forbid, the plug pulled too soon because Betty needs $ to send her grandkids to private school.

I would never permit open adultery to be conducted in my home.

I'm a 71 yo woman who's been married for almost 50 years. Should my husband be in the situation that your father is in, I want him to feel free to date or do whatever works for him for companionship, sexual and/or otherwise.

Maybe it's hard to explain to the grandchildren, but maybe not, if they understand their grandmother's condition. This is the reality of aging. For obvious reasons 70 doesn't seem that old to me (Both DH and I are in very good health), and I can't see spending it by being "loyal" to someone who's too far gone to know the difference. Which I assume is pretty much the case for someone who's in a nursing home with Alzheimer's.

It's a horrible condition. I agree with PP, there's no "morally wrong" here.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you don't really have a choice. I learned from unfortunate past experience with my own dad that men really aren't capable of being alone, and their need for female companionship transcends their (lesser) needs for: respect for their spouse, family, their own children, dignity, and decency. Your dad is going to go ahead with this no matter how you feel about it, and if you oppose it or express displeasure, YOU are the one he will eliminate from his life. HIS needs come first, as evidenced by his breezy request to bring his woman to your family's home. HE isn't concerned about the impact this has on the grand kids because they are trappings of his last female companion (his wife), who is no longer available to him, hence the grand kids are now less important than his new female companion.

Thanks, Dad, for giving me this insight into human/male nature. Oh yes, I need therapy!

So, your experience with your father gives you this insight into every single man on Earth? You've got issues.

My mom has alzheimers and is in a home. Please let your father have a normal life with is remaining years and graciously accept this new friend into your home.

My FIL sounds exactly like your mom. He has Alzheimers but still recognizes everyone in the immediate family. There is no way my DH or his brother would be okay with their mother bringing a boyfriend to their houses to meet their families. However, you could meet your Dad and his girlfriend for a meal.

OP, ask yourself if your mom would have found "a friend"--and brought him into your home--while your dad was incapacitated in a nursing home. I bet the answer is no. And I bet your dad knows that too.

OP, you don't really have a choice. I learned from unfortunate past experience with my own dad that men really aren't capable of being alone, and their need for female companionship transcends their (lesser) needs for: respect for their spouse, family, their own children, dignity, and decency. Your dad is going to go ahead with this no matter how you feel about it, and if you oppose it or express displeasure, YOU are the one he will eliminate from his life. HIS needs come first, as evidenced by his breezy request to bring his woman to your family's home. HE isn't concerned about the impact this has on the grand kids because they are trappings of his last female companion (his wife), who is no longer available to him, hence the grand kids are now less important than his new female companion.

Thanks, Dad, for giving me this insight into human/male nature. Oh yes, I need therapy!

OP, this isn't exactly advice, but I'd highly recommend watching the movie "Away from Her".

Try to understand that no one is replacing your mother, but your father is mourning the end of that relationship in its own way, and also living his own life and trying to find his own equilibrium in a world that has changed for him as well. He likely feels his own sense of loss, loneliness, and reality that he isn't getting any younger.

Please try to embrace this situation the best you can, as something that makes your father happy, even though it hurts.

i agree with 20:12

Anonymous wrote:Yes this is hard. Have any of the pp been in this position? I am asking as I think I would have been super judgy if this did not happen. It looks so bad and it is but also get that my dad is so lonely and mom is not the same. I would not want him to die from stress. I am processing this like what would you do if your parents divorced and you had to meet new women sort of thing. Maybe I am deluded but I am trying to be positive. Am I morally wrong to accept this? Dad and his friend are 70.

No, you would not be morally wrong. You would be kind, compassionate and understanding. Unfortunately your mother is not going to recover, and she will never be a true partner to your father again. People are quick to judge this as a violation of your mom, as taking something away from her, but in reality having a partner to provide him support might help him be an even better support to your mom.