Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 16:18     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Anonymous wrote:Something is wrong when he still wants to engage with his abuser. I'd really be careful getting into a marriage with him. He needs therapy before you can marry him.


A lot is wrong and there's no point in OP waiting out his therapy if he ever does it because it will take DECADES for him to finish, if ever.

Listen, not only is this guy still interacting with his abuser, he is probably still having sex with his abuser.

The fiancee might also be an abuser of children himself.

The entire family is fucked up, they probably all know about the abuse, they are all covering it up.

It sounds like a complete nightmare and OP owes her fiancee NOTHING.

OP, just cut this guy out of your life and move on and don't look back. Don't waste any more of your life with this situation.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 16:01     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Something is wrong when he still wants to engage with his abuser. I'd really be careful getting into a marriage with him. He needs therapy before you can marry him.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 15:46     Subject: Re:Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Is he planning to let this person have contact with your children?
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 15:07     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Anonymous wrote: I don't want to back out of marriage yet.
I'm just trying to sort this all out in my mind. It's a lot to take on.
I know it's not easy for him either, and I don't blame him for not telling me sooner,even though I wish he had.
I'm having a hard time understanding it. My fiance is not at all a passive guy, so the fact that he still regularly engages with this person is very confusing to me. I'm sure talking to a counselor will help.
" Telling" here has helped a little too, honestly I felt like I was going to boil over the last couple of days.


You have no choice but to back out of the marriage.

Your relationship with the fiance was under false pretenses because he hid this from you for so long. That's part of his dysfunction--participating in the secrecy and concealment and protection of the abuser even though your fiance is an adult. He never got the therapy he needs. Well--you're not his therapist. Anyone who would willingly tolerate being around someone who abused him like that, is himself, broken. He wants to marry you solely to tell himself he is "normal" and marrying you would make him "normal."

You SHOULD blame him for not telling you sooner. That's his obligation to you, and he failed you. The fact that he still regularly engages his abuser means your fiance is sick in the head. There is every likelihood that he still has sex, as an adult, with his abuser.

This is a no win situation for you OP because you are never going to know what your fiance "forgot" to tell you about that's very important.

Listen to your gut. It is screaming at you, get out NOW, don't feel guilty about it, and don't apologize. Move the FUCK on.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 15:02     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.


Most likely your mother in law was at least passively responsible as the abuser's enabler.

Yup she IS responsible.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 15:01     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Anonymous wrote:Woah. Your first job here is to be supportive of your fiancé, and you are failing at that. You were not deceived; you chose not to ask who the abuser was and you correctly had assumed that the identity of his abuser is deeply painful.

Most victims of abuse were abused by people close to them. This shouldn't be a shock. Your fiancé has had to define his own boundaries with his abuser... You can talk to him about his thoughts and feelings about maintaining contact with someone who hurt him, but it is not your place to judge or condemn.

If you choose to have children, you can set your own boundaries together. You should talk about that before you marry so you are on the same page. But you have a lot to learn about how to support your fiancé. I suggest counseling together or at least for you.


But it is entirely her place to determine, PRIOR to marriage, whether HIS "boundaries" (actually lack of boundaries) are acceptable to HER.

Obviously, they are NOT, nor should she be shamed into accepting his dysfunctional boundaries.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 15:01     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Anonymous wrote:Op, how old was the abuser when it happened?


What does that have to do with anything?
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 15:00     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Dump him, OP.

He's going to pull you into his dysfunctional life.

You're going to end up being victimized and if you have any kids with him, watch out.

It's NOT your job to clean up this mess. GET OUT before the marriage. Engagements are so you can make that final decision.

GET OUT.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 13:48     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
OP, I'm in the same situation with my DH, except one of his abusers (his dad) is dead and the other is a cousin whom we rarely see. The abuse went on for years. My biggest issue is with his mom, and I have found it difficult to have an open and healthy relationship with her because of my resentment over her failure to protect her son. This thread is of great interest to me. I understand in my head that she was not responsible, but in my heart, I cannot imagine not noticing what was happening to my children and I suppose I do hold her somewhat responsible for not protecting him.

If you stay in this relationship, just know that this issue will be a recurring presence in your life. You will always have to consider which family members you'll let your children be alone with, or worry about holidays etc. If you can't deal with that, get out now, for both of your sakes.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 10:54     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, how old was the abuser when it happened?


It started when he was 7.


The abuser was only 7?

If that's true, maybe this was perceived as more of a mutual exploration by the 7-year-old, which one might find more easily forgivable.


I'm sorry I misread your question. The abuse started when my fiance was 7. The abuser was much older at the time.


PP , started at 7 when did it end?

Do you know if it was prolonged abuse or just once or twice.

I'm not saying once or twice isn't bad, once is too much, but maybe if it only happened once or twice or a short time maybe that is why your fiancé is forgiving.
Anonymous
Post 10/20/2015 10:29     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Does his family know what happened?
OP, my future plans with him would be heavily influenced by how his family responded to the abuse if they are aware of it.

If his family protected the abuse or if your fiancé was pressured to forgive and forget I'd say you need to move on.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 20:49     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, how old was the abuser when it happened?


It started when he was 7.


The abuser was only 7?

If that's true, maybe this was perceived as more of a mutual exploration by the 7-year-old, which one might find more easily forgivable.


I'm sorry I misread your question. The abuse started when my fiance was 7. The abuser was much older at the time.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 20:34     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Op, how old was the abuser when it happened?


It started when he was 7.


The abuser was only 7?

If that's true, maybe this was perceived as more of a mutual exploration by the 7-year-old, which one might find more easily forgivable.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 19:18     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
I don't want to back out of marriage yet.
I'm just trying to sort this all out in my mind. It's a lot to take on.
I know it's not easy for him either, and I don't blame him for not telling me sooner,even though I wish he had.
I'm having a hard time understanding it. My fiance is not at all a passive guy, so the fact that he still regularly engages with this person is very confusing to me. I'm sure talking to a counselor will help.
" Telling" here has helped a little too, honestly I felt like I was going to boil over the last couple of days.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 16:55     Subject: Fiance, family , marriage, and history of sexual abuse.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Yes angry, mainly angry at the situation, for my fiance and sad too.
But also angry, because I thought his family was something that they aren't.
It's not about me in the sense that I wasn't the person abused, but this isn't just some random ONS or boyfriend, this is the guy I plan on spending the rest of my life with, his family becomes my family.
How does that work when there are those kind of people in his family?
I can figure out if I want to continue with him or not thank you very much.
I was hoping to find some advice from people who have actually dealt with this, and figure anonymous was the best way to start out.


I don't think you are wrong for feeling angry or deceived.

I dealt with this in my relationship with my ex-husband and I wish I had not married him and just moved on with my life. His past caused me so much pain, not only in our marriage, but in my life. We already had our 2 kids when we were in our early 20s and decided to marry after a tumultuous relationship in order to give our kids a stable family. Yeah right. I suspected he had been abused by his stepdad(adopted father) all along because of how he acted around him. He was always on edge and seemed to lash out at me after we spent time with this man. However, the father was not someone I admired and it amazed me that he seemed to have such power over people with such an acerbic and nasty personality. I think he was triggered when we got married and moved to the same city as his father. We moved there for economic reasons and I was too young and inexperienced to realize being anywhere near this man spelled doom for my relationship with my new husband. He is a true psychopath and pedophile in every sense of the word. So I was also VERY ANGRY when I found out he had, in fact, been sexually abused by him. I had asked my ex over and over if it was true and he had denied it for years. Looking back, I handled it horribly and I wasn't as supportive towards my ex as I should have been. He also had a history of substance abuse, definitely caused by his abuse.

Being with anyone who has been sexually abused and is not actively working through their issues is a HUGE RED FLAG. Having kids with them is a gamble and should not be taken lightly. I put up major boundaries with his family around my kids and kept them safe. They were never allowed to be around my kids without me present and really didn't want to be because of how dysfunctional they are. Their grandfather knew he wasn't getting away with his behavior around me because I confronted him about it despite his denials. After we finally broke up, my ex spiraled into drug abuse and ended up passing way from his abuse problem. It all has been a nightmare that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. My experience is extreme but I hope you can see where it could go.

My ex didn't want to get help and just wanted to drink his pain away. Yes, it's heartbreaking but who wants to raise kids with someone who is so damaged and just DOES NOT WANT HELP? You know your fiance but it does strike me as unhealthy that he has not put up boundaries with his abuser. He may still be struggling and in fear, despite being a grown man. That is what this kind of abuse does to a person. May I suggest you start doing your own research and read Allies in Healing. It helped me gain perspective and insight into my ex's dilemma nad why he felt compelled to stay in relationship with his abuser, though I was against it. I agree you both should be in counseling.


This. If your fiance had already worked through this with counseling, then maybe you and him could forge ahead with boundaries for yourselves and future children. But the fact that your fiance kept this from you and continues to engage with his abuser is extremely alarming.

You have every right to feel blindsided by this abhorrent revelation. If you decide to back out of marriage with him, it would be completely understandable. This is also about you, after all.