Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 16:48     Subject: Re:How do I act around this child?
Well wait a minute. No one is giving OP a hard time, and the person who suggested she might have some HFA tendencies herself clearly didn't mean it in a negative way. OP says that even as a child she related better to adults and didn't understand kids, that she relies on "mimicry" to handle social situations, and that she is very uncomfortable going into this new situation and not understanding the social expectations. These are all very Aspie things to say and worry about! So I want to say two things to OP. First, don't worry about this upcoming encounter because an HFA kid and his mom are the very last people in the world who are going to judge you for not knowing the right way to act or the right thing to say! I have an HFA kid about that age, and have learned to love these kids and their families. If you don't know the right thing to do or say, tell the mom that and she will understand. That is a big part of what her son is struggling with. And second, you might want to read a book by a woman diagnosed with Aspergers later in life. Maybe Cynthia Kim or Liane Holliday Wiley? Aspergers presents very differently in women and is often missed. I suspect you will recognize aspects of your experience in there even if the full picture doesn't seem to describe you. And you might find it very interesting. That has been my experience. I am not autistic but I definitely see aspects of myself in my son's ASD-related behavior and thinking, and have learned a lot about myself from this stuff. There are a lot of us in the "broader autistic phenotype" even if we are not actually on the spectrum.

Cynthia Kim's blog is musingsofanaspie.com
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 16:47     Subject: How do I act around this child?
Anonymous wrote:I find this post both heartbreaking and bizarre beyond belief.

There is no need for you to "act" around this child, and no need for you to be so nervous and tie yourself up in knots about offending your new friend.

The last thing this child needs is a synthetic version of you presented and packaged for his consumption. And social relationships with special needs families are not so delicate and tenuous that they can be dissolved over another mother failing to somehow have the special secret sauce to interact with our kids.

Please, just be yourself. It is a treat to get to know another mom.


Let's cut OP a break. Its not her fault that she has not been exposed to or had any experience with being around kids that are other than "typical". my first child is neurotypical, has it easy in life. So when DS came along, who has significant ADHD, I had no idea what I was doing or saying for that matter!

I honestly don't think that she was trying to offend anyone.

OP - honestly I would go in with the assumption that her DS is just as typical as other kids and treat him and communicate with him as such. Believe me, mom will appreciate it!!
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 16:04     Subject: How do I act around this child?
Anonymous wrote:Come on people, give this woman a break. Just because she wants some advice on how to interact with a kid with autism doesn't mean she has either high anxiety or lacks social awareness. Good lord. My kid has autism and before I had her, I, too, would have been a little nervous about having a kid over with autism b/c I had never met a kid with autism before and all I had ever heard about autism was that the child could get very upset if his/her routine was messed with. So, OP, thank for asking.



+ a million.

I really can't believe that the snotty people suggesting that the OP has anxiety or is on the spectrum actually have a kid with SN. Grow up folks and stop trolling on the SN forum.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 16:01     Subject: Re:How do I act around this child?
Come on people, give this woman a break. Just because she wants some advice on how to interact with a kid with autism doesn't mean she has either high anxiety or lacks social awareness. Good lord.


No, there is nothing wrong with asking advice, but the concern about whether it is ok to say the shirt is her favorite color when it may not be indicates some social anxiety going on. Not that this makes OP a bad person - I am rather socially anxious myself. But it does suggest there may be other issues at play.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 15:51     Subject: How do I act around this child?
Come on people, give this woman a break. Just because she wants some advice on how to interact with a kid with autism doesn't mean she has either high anxiety or lacks social awareness. Good lord. My kid has autism and before I had her, I, too, would have been a little nervous about having a kid over with autism b/c I had never met a kid with autism before and all I had ever heard about autism was that the child could get very upset if his/her routine was messed with. So, OP, thank for asking.

Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 11:54     Subject: How do I act around this child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
You sound like you have high-functioning autism yourself, OP
Kidding! You seem a tad socially clueless.




Sigh. I probably am. I was trying to dance around it in my last post, but what the hell - I'm anxious about this because it's a situation I've never been in, so I don't have the mimicry skills that I use in other situations.


NP here. Seriously, don't worry about it. Kids don't judge the way adults do. You don't need to impress them. Frankly, the ones that try to are usually the ones they like the least. Just be yourself and ask questions and follow the kid's lead.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 11:54     Subject: How do I act around this child?
Most 6 year old kids don't want to make a ton of small talk with adults. You can ask about school, if he does any sports or scouts, if he likes Legos or Pokémon. After that, you don't need to do much else except respond to anything he may say to you.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 11:51     Subject: How do I act around this child?
Anonymous wrote:
You sound like you have high-functioning autism yourself, OP
Kidding! You seem a tad socially clueless.




Sigh. I probably am. I was trying to dance around it in my last post, but what the hell - I'm anxious about this because it's a situation I've never been in, so I don't have the mimicry skills that I use in other situations.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 11:50     Subject: Re:How do I act around this child?
Anonymous wrote:
OP, I know you said you don't have anxiety, but from your posts it really sounds like you might have some kind of social anxiety. You're not just having anxiety about how to interact with her child, but also about how to interact with her, and you seem really worked about needing to get it just right for fear of offending her.


I never really thought I had social anxiety, but maybe you're right, I do get slightly anxious in situations where I don't know what is expected of me. Thankfully, that's limited to social stuff. Preparing for it makes it a lot more pleasant for me.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 11:47     Subject: How do I act around this child?

You sound like you have high-functioning autism yourself, OP
Kidding! You seem a tad socially clueless.

Don't worry, it will be just fine. Relax. Do what I do with my son who has Asperger's (now rolled into HFA) - talk to him like an adult. Don't be afraid of using long words and technical terms. He might take you literally, so go light on the idioms and expressions. He might not have the same kind of humor as most people. Ask his mother what interests him, or ask him directly - you might kickstart a long conversation about trains, or space shuttles or bottle openers, or whatever floats his boat.


Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 11:41     Subject: Re:How do I act around this child?
OP,

It's great you cared enough to ask the question. So many parents would just drop the mom and kid and the first sign of difference.

I agree pretty much the "don't list," and for the do lists, pretty much the do lists about engaging with this kid like you would any other kid, and I think it's fine to ask the mom for feedback/questions. You may want to do this offline.

Also, I hate when people make comments about my kid like he's not there. He can hear you even if he looks like he isn't listening.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 11:38     Subject: Re:How do I act around this child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OK- i don't think this situation is as unusual as others. None of my friends had kids before me, and I really don't like being around children much, other than my own. So I didn't have a lot of experience with this before we got into group settings. And I am anxious enough that I liked to prepare a few thoughts so that I could be comfortable enough to wing it in the moment.

Here are my ideas of what you might say to my son.

I would suggest that you can say things like:
-Hi Larlo, I like your shirt, orange is my favorite color
-If he is playing with something or talking to you about something, try to show interest (even if it is the different varieties of igneous rocks, you can say wow I like this one because it sparkles)

I don't know how old your kids are- but they can really help break the ice.
If my son wanders over to you and leans on you to listen to the conversation, just let him be. He may be about to share something with you, but he is working to get his nerve up to do it.

Please don't
-look at me pityingly if my child doesn't act "typical"
-say things like- "wow- he really overreacted"
-hesitate to look away or excuse yourself to the ladies room if I need to intervene with a behavioral discussion while you are visiting
-insist that my child make eye contact or interact with you in any particular way- he is doing the best he can
-hug or touch my son (or his hair) without him initiating it- I think this applies to all kids for many reasons
-be offended if you offer my son food. drink and he declines it (I probably brought something from home)

I have 2 kids with special needs, so I guess you could say that I don't know how to interact with typical kids. I treat them like I do my own. And it generally works out.


This is perfect, thank you. I have a stupid question though - can I say I like his shirt and it's my favorite color even if it's not.

I also hesitate on suggesting things to do. Mine is two, so I'm not sure they'd actually do much together, so I was thinking a park, so at least mine could run around. Would that be ok? She mentioned he has ADHD too and is very distractable, so I don't know. Would a museum be too much?

And yes, I'm aware that half my issue is that I don't understand kids in general.


If it makes you uncomfortable to say that green is your favorite color when it's not, just rephrase it. "I like your shirt, green is a great color." A park is a fine suggestion, but if you're uncertain, ask her if that works (not because of ASD/ADHD, but just because there are a million reasons she might prefer something else; also make sure it's a park with equipment for older kids, not just toddlers). "What if we meet at Sunshine Park at 11 am? Would that work for you, or did you have something else in mind?"

OP, I know you said you don't have anxiety, but from your posts it really sounds like you might have some kind of social anxiety. You're not just having anxiety about how to interact with her child, but also about how to interact with her, and you seem really worked about needing to get it just right for fear of offending her.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 11:28     Subject: Re:How do I act around this child?
Anonymous wrote:OK- i don't think this situation is as unusual as others. None of my friends had kids before me, and I really don't like being around children much, other than my own. So I didn't have a lot of experience with this before we got into group settings. And I am anxious enough that I liked to prepare a few thoughts so that I could be comfortable enough to wing it in the moment.

Here are my ideas of what you might say to my son.

I would suggest that you can say things like:
-Hi Larlo, I like your shirt, orange is my favorite color
-If he is playing with something or talking to you about something, try to show interest (even if it is the different varieties of igneous rocks, you can say wow I like this one because it sparkles)

I don't know how old your kids are- but they can really help break the ice.
If my son wanders over to you and leans on you to listen to the conversation, just let him be. He may be about to share something with you, but he is working to get his nerve up to do it.

Please don't
-look at me pityingly if my child doesn't act "typical"
-say things like- "wow- he really overreacted"
-hesitate to look away or excuse yourself to the ladies room if I need to intervene with a behavioral discussion while you are visiting
-insist that my child make eye contact or interact with you in any particular way- he is doing the best he can
-hug or touch my son (or his hair) without him initiating it- I think this applies to all kids for many reasons
-be offended if you offer my son food. drink and he declines it (I probably brought something from home)

I have 2 kids with special needs, so I guess you could say that I don't know how to interact with typical kids. I treat them like I do my own. And it generally works out.


This is perfect, thank you. I have a stupid question though - can I say I like his shirt and it's my favorite color even if it's not.

I also hesitate on suggesting things to do. Mine is two, so I'm not sure they'd actually do much together, so I was thinking a park, so at least mine could run around. Would that be ok? She mentioned he has ADHD too and is very distractable, so I don't know. Would a museum be too much?

And yes, I'm aware that half my issue is that I don't understand kids in general.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 11:22     Subject: How do I act around this child?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

There is no need for you to "act" around this child, and no need for you to be so nervous and tie yourself up in knots about offending your new friend.
.


So if I ask how how old he is and what grade, and ignore him from then on because I've never successful interacted with a child before, you're saying that's ok? That he won't feel hurt and his mom won't be offended?


More than likely if he's the only kid, he'll need some parent attention or activity, but that's his mom's responsibility. Just be aware that you friend will not be able to give you her full attention if her child is with her. What do you plan to do with your new friend? Invite her over for coffee? Go for a walk? Go to the park? Or ask her what kind of activity would work well for them. Probably better not to have them over to your house, until you're more comfortable.

In terms of interaction, for example if you're at the park and he comes over and talks to you, you listen/respond. If he asks you to push him on the swing, you push him. Don't get stressed out about this. You don't need to hold a long conversation with the kid, but do listen and respond as appropriate.
Anonymous
Post 10/19/2015 11:21     Subject: Re:How do I act around this child?
OK- i don't think this situation is as unusual as others. None of my friends had kids before me, and I really don't like being around children much, other than my own. So I didn't have a lot of experience with this before we got into group settings. And I am anxious enough that I liked to prepare a few thoughts so that I could be comfortable enough to wing it in the moment.

Here are my ideas of what you might say to my son.

I would suggest that you can say things like:
-Hi Larlo, I like your shirt, orange is my favorite color
-If he is playing with something or talking to you about something, try to show interest (even if it is the different varieties of igneous rocks, you can say wow I like this one because it sparkles)

I don't know how old your kids are- but they can really help break the ice.
If my son wanders over to you and leans on you to listen to the conversation, just let him be. He may be about to share something with you, but he is working to get his nerve up to do it.

Please don't
-look at me pityingly if my child doesn't act "typical"
-say things like- "wow- he really overreacted"
-hesitate to look away or excuse yourself to the ladies room if I need to intervene with a behavioral discussion while you are visiting
-insist that my child make eye contact or interact with you in any particular way- he is doing the best he can
-hug or touch my son (or his hair) without him initiating it- I think this applies to all kids for many reasons
-be offended if you offer my son food. drink and he declines it (I probably brought something from home)

I have 2 kids with special needs, so I guess you could say that I don't know how to interact with typical kids. I treat them like I do my own. And it generally works out.