Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

In my experience, that "rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire" is crazy as a shithouse rat. You know what they say about crazy girls. They are good for that, but lousy to be in any sort of relationship with other than purely for sex.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have described my DW and our sexual relationship to perfection. Here is what I have accepted that helps:

1) My DW's sex drive is almost purely responsive (which is common for most women). She gets turned on by something. So she finds me attractive in the generic sense, but on a day to day basis she isn't sexually turned on to the point where she has an independent desire to fuck me. My DW- like yours - sometimes responds to us having sex by getting into it once she starts. Again, responsive desire. What you want is what you feel - spontaneous desire - which is largely but not exclusively a male sexual response, i.e. you want to have sex and your wife is hot to you and available. Your wife just isn't wired the way you want her to be - few women are. Back in the days when you dated, you did so many little things - flirt, call, flowers, etc - that stoked her responsive desire that by the time you were ready for sex she was too.

You are not shiny and new, she is not going to be responsively turned on by the day to day.

2) That she is willing to have sex with you is her gift. Accept it. Accept that sometimes she is going to be turned on and sometimes she is just taking one for the team. Find a non-threatening way to figure out whether she is having sex solely for you or for you both so you know whether to hurry up and finish or make it pleasurable for her.

3) Get your ass in the best shape you can. Dress well. Project confidence at home and while you are out. Not because it will make your wife want to fuck you more (it might but probably won't) but because you will be reminded by women that you are desirable.

I am not saying this is an easy pill to swallow, that the remainder of your sex life is mostly something your wife does to placate you either because she loves you or because she doesn't want to lose you or some combo of the two. Your alternative is perpetual single life, or to find that rare gem of a woman that has spontaneous desire.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

Wow... I could have wrote this post as well..

Anonymous wrote:I could be your wife, OP. I think I have always felt this way, but especially now that we have kids and I have some hormonal issues.

Before DH, I was in some really bad relationships. Amazing sex and sexual attraction, but emotionally abusive. When I met DH, I found him attractive and nice, but he didn't turn me on. I did not think that I could have both sexual attraction and someone who was a good guy. I wanted a good guy because I needed stability and wanted a great parent for my kids. This all worked out great for the first few years. Now it's taking it's toll. I am about to start therapy again to figure it out. Besides no sexual attraction, we get along great, have fun together, travel well together, etc. I have brought up therapy to him, but he is against it. So I figure I need to at least put myself in therapy b/c it's not fair to him.

Actually, I have to say, my DH is seriously like a 3rd child and that could definitely contribute to my lack of sexual attraction to him. I need a man, not another person to pick up after.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

Unrealistic expectations... #1 issue with kids these days

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

OP here again. I am in therapy and we will be starting MC soon (she has resisted it). I'd add that you are making several assumptions, to include the idea that I haven't tried any of the things you suggest.

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, let me take a step back. This sounds like you want absolute perfection in your relationship and anything else is going to elicit angst from you.

Your wife loves you. She has sex with you (doesn't withhold). You apparently have a good relationship.

I hope you are mature enough to realize how good you have it. COULD you possibly have a similar good/great relationship with another woman and have her be super-passionate about sex for the rest of your lives? Possibly a .000001% chance, but I'd say even that is doubtful.

It might be helpful for you to talk to a therapist, because you seem to be creating a problem where there is none. It's unreasonable to expect someone in a 10-year+ marriage to have teenager hot-and-heavy sex every time. You could talk to the therapist about communicating positively to your wife about your needs so you can spice things up (e.g., exploring some of her and your kinks, role playing, etc). But otherwise, this is like the princessy thread yesterday where the GF wanted her boyfriend to WANT to dote on her. Stop with the magical thinking, enjoy the upsides of your relationship, and work on positive ways to make things realistically better.

OP here again. I am in therapy and we will be starting MC soon (she has resisted it). I'd add that you are making several assumptions, to include the idea that I haven't tried any of the things you suggest.