Anonymous
10/17/2015 09:04
Subject: Re:Loving or controlling?
Another amazing recovery brought to you by DCUMs! All accomplished by a simple anonymous post and a few supportive replies. Fixing the world one woman at a time. Way to go team!
Anonymous
10/17/2015 08:32
Subject: Loving or controlling?
OP HERE - thank you, everyone, for helping me put things into perspective. I took your advice and rode out the week, staying (mostly) away from work and DCUM (which was terrible). I let DH keep my BB, but just checked my emails on my laptop once through the days so I could forward or address anything urgent (always surprised by folks who don't heed an auto reply).
And yesterday, we had an amazing long hike. DH took a selfie of us and when we got home, I saw it, couldn't figure out why it was a picture of us I liked so much. Then it kind of hit me: I look happy and RELAXED.
So now, the reality comes, but I guess I do know that he really loves me and my job, is in fact, killing me. I'll start trying to set boundaries and if that doesn't work, look at moving on, even if it's to something frivolous.
Thanks DCUM for your point blank honesty as usual
And yesterday, we had an amazing long hike. DH took a selfie of us and when we got home, I saw it, couldn't figure out why it was a picture of us I liked so much. Then it kind of hit me: I look happy and RELAXED.
So now, the reality comes, but I guess I do know that he really loves me and my job, is in fact, killing me. I'll start trying to set boundaries and if that doesn't work, look at moving on, even if it's to something frivolous.
Thanks DCUM for your point blank honesty as usual
Anonymous
10/16/2015 23:25
Subject: Re:Loving or controlling?
You should be glad. You sound like a workaholic.
Anonymous
10/16/2015 23:19
Subject: Loving or controlling?
OP- Update? How has the rest of your week gone? How did you thank DH?
Anonymous
10/16/2015 18:34
Subject: Loving or controlling?
+1 to a naked thank you. They are the best!
Anonymous
10/16/2015 14:51
Subject: Loving or controlling?
I'm pretty sensitive to controlling stuff, and this does seem controlling to me....but WOW, you have a problem, and the primary one is not your DH. You are burnt out but you can't let go. This is textbook workaholism.
What your DH did was essentially the same as the spouse of an alcoholic stealing all of her booze and pouring it down the drain for a day.
It actually won't stop you from going back to your addiction, not for long. But I hope it's a wake-up call. You are ruining your life, and you only have a short one. Please, please get off this crazy roller coaster. What are you hiding from? What are you avoiding with all this work? Why can't you see how much your DH wants you back in life again?
What your DH did was essentially the same as the spouse of an alcoholic stealing all of her booze and pouring it down the drain for a day.
It actually won't stop you from going back to your addiction, not for long. But I hope it's a wake-up call. You are ruining your life, and you only have a short one. Please, please get off this crazy roller coaster. What are you hiding from? What are you avoiding with all this work? Why can't you see how much your DH wants you back in life again?
Anonymous
10/16/2015 05:01
Subject: Loving or controlling?
This seems loving to me. And I can say this as a survivor of a childhood where DV was frequent and a marriage where DH XH disabled the landline phones and ran up a $1000 cell bill so it would be shut off when we were separating.
Anonymous
10/16/2015 04:15
Subject: Loving or controlling?
Your husband truly cares for you OP and he does not like seeing you so stressed out.
He is sending you a subliminal message. Since you don't have the inclination or willpower to do what needs to be done which is nothing by the way, he decided to take control of the situation.
I wouldn't be angry, sure it is a bit annoying, but understand he did this all in the name of love. The intention was for your health.
If this happened on a regular basis, I would have issues. But if this is an isolated thing so far, be grateful.
"Don't hate...Appreciate."
Now go get a manicure. Go on....Go!!!!!!!
He is sending you a subliminal message. Since you don't have the inclination or willpower to do what needs to be done which is nothing by the way, he decided to take control of the situation.
I wouldn't be angry, sure it is a bit annoying, but understand he did this all in the name of love. The intention was for your health.
If this happened on a regular basis, I would have issues. But if this is an isolated thing so far, be grateful.
"Don't hate...Appreciate."
Now go get a manicure. Go on....Go!!!!!!!
Anonymous
10/14/2015 22:26
Subject: Loving or controlling?
Anonymous wrote:I'm taking a staycation this week. I'm long overdue for a break from work (over a year since last vacation- job requires constant attention to incoming emails after hours, weekends, etc.)
I really, truly am burnt out.
That being said, it's a very weird work dynamic, but a team I enjoy working with, and a job I live in an industry I love.
Yesterday was my first day of vacation and I ended up working most of it (I work remotely usually anyway).
I woke up late this morning after DH had gone to work and found that he had hidden (or taken) my Blackberry, unplugged the landline and has maybe done something to the wifi connection (still not sure if that's coincidence).
I'm wavering between feeling furious and absolutely relieved.
I know his stance, which is that I work too much and the job requirements are killing me (partly true and partly hyperbolic). He would rather see me not work at all than have to do what I'm doing.
I love and hate my job, meaning I love what I do, but the requirements aren't going to change. I feel fortunate to have a career I'm good at and enjoy. I agree the money I make does not counter the time required, but I'm fortunate that as his job may have us relocate soon, it's a job I can do remotely anywhere.
As stated above, I'm finding the constant need to be on call exhausting. its the kind of situation that if I decide to be away from my phone for more than an hour or two, ,Murphys law kicks in and all hell breaks loose and I end up having to jump in to do damage control. I'm responding to emails on hikes, during dinner, etc.
So, should I be glad or mad he took my phone?
More curious than anything
Do you have kids? If so, stopping thinking about just yourself and find a job with more balance or make more balance in the job you have. I don't care how important you are and you're probably not that important. Be there for your kids. They need you.
Anonymous
10/14/2015 21:32
Subject: Loving or controlling?
Loving
MikeL
10/14/2015 20:10
Subject: Re:Loving or controlling?
Are you last 2 posters nuts?
It was sweet thing for her hubby to do.
It was sweet thing for her hubby to do.
Anonymous
10/14/2015 17:16
Subject: Re:Loving or controlling?
Condescending and disrespectful. OP is not a child.
It would have been loving for him to suggest this idea and then get you to buy in.
It would have been loving for him to suggest this idea and then get you to buy in.
Anonymous
10/14/2015 17:06
Subject: Re:Loving or controlling?
It's neither loving nor controlling, it's enabling.
You will never get cured of your workaholism if your husband has to be your nanny.
You will never get cured of your workaholism if your husband has to be your nanny.
Anonymous
10/14/2015 17:01
Subject: Loving or controlling?
how is this even a question????????
seriously OP, your DH deserves a porn-star quality BJ tonight followed by off-the-charts monkey sex.
seriously OP, your DH deserves a porn-star quality BJ tonight followed by off-the-charts monkey sex.
Anonymous
10/14/2015 15:17
Subject: Loving or controlling?
Loving and smart.
You should take the day to really think about your life, priorities, what makes you happy, how to care for your relationship with your DH and how to set boundaries at work.
I have the same type of job as you I think : great mission, very proud of what I do, I care a lot about the outcomes but there of "emergencies", emails back and forth at any time of the day (working around the globe). Briefings to write on super short notice, etc..My colleagues are workaholics with no kids.
For the sake of your relationship you need to define "no tech hours" and religiously stick to it. You owe that to yourself and your DH. It is extremely irritating to live with someone glued to their phone, someone who never gives you their constant attention. A hike in nature shouldn't include email checks.
You didn't mention kids so I assume you don't have any. If you plan on having some, start good habits now. Right now your DH is concerned about you, in the future he will be concerned about the kids and mad at you for not setting proper boundaries. Trust me..
The way it works for me: I set no smartphones hours at home (from 7 am to 8am and 6pm to 8pm). I can do emails at 6.30 am if I wake up first, I can work after 8pm when the clean up is done and we agreed not to do something together etc... But in my head, I block this time and hide my phone away.. It is hard but it works. And yes, I usually find out that the world can live without me during that time..
You should take the day to really think about your life, priorities, what makes you happy, how to care for your relationship with your DH and how to set boundaries at work.
I have the same type of job as you I think : great mission, very proud of what I do, I care a lot about the outcomes but there of "emergencies", emails back and forth at any time of the day (working around the globe). Briefings to write on super short notice, etc..My colleagues are workaholics with no kids.
For the sake of your relationship you need to define "no tech hours" and religiously stick to it. You owe that to yourself and your DH. It is extremely irritating to live with someone glued to their phone, someone who never gives you their constant attention. A hike in nature shouldn't include email checks.
You didn't mention kids so I assume you don't have any. If you plan on having some, start good habits now. Right now your DH is concerned about you, in the future he will be concerned about the kids and mad at you for not setting proper boundaries. Trust me..
The way it works for me: I set no smartphones hours at home (from 7 am to 8am and 6pm to 8pm). I can do emails at 6.30 am if I wake up first, I can work after 8pm when the clean up is done and we agreed not to do something together etc... But in my head, I block this time and hide my phone away.. It is hard but it works. And yes, I usually find out that the world can live without me during that time..