Anonymous
Post 10/14/2015 08:17     Subject: Re:Flunking out of 9th grade
Nobody is good at everything, and why when a kid is not good academically everyone automatically jump on the LD or depression?

OP: be honest to yourself, is your DC bright and just not applying himself, or is this the best he can be academically? And if it's later, perhaps transferring to a less demanding school? That might boost his confidence and therefore turn the corner?

As for the social aspect about not hanging out with friends, I don't think that's unusual. He is at school with these kids all day as it is, maybe he just want a break from them? Would you want to hang out with your coworkers on weekends too? I don't think so.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2015 08:15     Subject: Re:Flunking out of 9th grade
Thank you for the person with btdt experience. We actually know that he has inattentive ADD, and I think probably anxiety. So maybe a neuropsych exam is a good idea. But I am 100% trying to get him an appointment with a therapist, and figuring that we will at least begin it as a family session, because otherwise the therapist will never hear from my son what the situation is.

He is a smart, college-bound kid btw. He is not trying to get out of going to high school or to college. He is just in over his head at the moment, due to procrastination and lack of effort.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2015 07:55     Subject: Flunking out of 9th grade
Anonymous wrote:College isn't for everyone. If more affluent parents would be willing to accept this basic truth, and not be so desperate to make their kids into mini versions of themselves, they could save everyone a lifetime of anguish.


In today's global economy, college -- or at the very least an advanced education in a pliable trade -- IS for everyone. It's a bare minimum. So please don't trot out that canard.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2015 07:40     Subject: Flunking out of 9th grade
We went through this for two years before I accepted that I needed to invest in a neuropsych exam. It was expensive but I wish I had done it right away. I suggest that and go to a therapist and psychiatrist. In our case, it was anxiety, depression, mild LDs, and ADD/executive function issues. All fairly subtle but made for a disastrous combination.
Anonymous
Post 10/14/2015 07:36     Subject: Re:Flunking out of 9th grade
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:His school literally does not include a certain GPA requirement for sports. I may ask his coach to talk to him. He likes his coach and so do we.

Drowning is a good word to use-- I think that may be it. I am looking into a therapist. Thank you, all.



It may not be a requirement for the school, but maybe it should be to you, as the parent? I would think not flunking out should be more important than sports, IMO. Maybe if you told your DS that he has to have a minimum GPA to play, he'd be more inclined to study? Right now, he doesn't think it's important.


I disagree. If he enjoys the sport and it is a social outlet for him then pulling him out could backfire. If he is depressed or stressed then having physical activity is especially important!


+1
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2015 23:44     Subject: Re:Flunking out of 9th grade
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:His school literally does not include a certain GPA requirement for sports. I may ask his coach to talk to him. He likes his coach and so do we.

Drowning is a good word to use-- I think that may be it. I am looking into a therapist. Thank you, all.



It may not be a requirement for the school, but maybe it should be to you, as the parent? I would think not flunking out should be more important than sports, IMO. Maybe if you told your DS that he has to have a minimum GPA to play, he'd be more inclined to study? Right now, he doesn't think it's important.


I disagree. If he enjoys the sport and it is a social outlet for him then pulling him out could backfire. If he is depressed or stressed then having physical activity is especially important!


+1
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2015 23:41     Subject: Re:Flunking out of 9th grade
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:His school literally does not include a certain GPA requirement for sports. I may ask his coach to talk to him. He likes his coach and so do we.

Drowning is a good word to use-- I think that may be it. I am looking into a therapist. Thank you, all.



It may not be a requirement for the school, but maybe it should be to you, as the parent? I would think not flunking out should be more important than sports, IMO. Maybe if you told your DS that he has to have a minimum GPA to play, he'd be more inclined to study? Right now, he doesn't think it's important.


I disagree. If he enjoys the sport and it is a social outlet for him then pulling him out could backfire. If he is depressed or stressed then having physical activity is especially important!
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2015 20:35     Subject: Re:Flunking out of 9th grade
He sounds isolated and depressed.

Are you able to facilitate him hanging out with friends? Like taking him and friend to go do x, y or z?

I would also get a counselor or therapist ASAP.

If he is depressed and isolated I would not take him off his sports team.

The bad grades combined with the isolation from friends makes me think that the bad grades are a symptom of something else and I think you need to try to address the underlying problem.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2015 20:25     Subject: Flunking out of 9th grade
Anonymous wrote:When did "decision making" get replaced with "executive function"? And why can't we assume teenagers are able to do this?


Because that's what it is; and they can't (or not very well):
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/inside-look-at-the-teen-brain

Newsflash--we drive horseless carriages now too. Try to keep up with the times.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2015 20:21     Subject: Flunking out of 9th grade
When did "decision making" get replaced with "executive function"? And why can't we assume teenagers are able to do this?
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2015 19:48     Subject: Flunking out of 9th grade
Anonymous wrote:College isn't for everyone. If more affluent parents would be willing to accept this basic truth, and not be so desperate to make their kids into mini versions of themselves, they could save everyone a lifetime of anguish.


This is not helpful to OP. Her son needs support and not ridicule.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2015 16:51     Subject: Flunking out of 9th grade
Good luck OP. Have you seen "Race to Nowhere"? Make sure he's not too pressured in all aspects.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2015 16:35     Subject: Re:Flunking out of 9th grade
OP here.

Just one tutor half of last year (one hour a week).

Executive skills tutor a couple of weeks this year.

Yes, he is very focused on college.

I have called s therapist (used by friend's son) and will call another recommended by someone else in case the first one doesn't have quick availability.

Thanks to all.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2015 16:34     Subject: Flunking out of 9th grade
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:1. Test for hidden LD's if you haven't already. Also rule out depression, drug and alcohol use.

2. Sit down and do career day and a simple budget with him showing what life will be like when he is on his own. What job? How many hours? What is the actual range of pay for such a job? Use real data he can find on line. Then figure out taxes, where he can afford to live, food, utilities, clothing, etc. Sometimes they have too see real data to understand that they are now stepping on the path to their future. Failing out of high school has significant financial and life style consequences down the road. Actually starting backwards can be an interesting way to look at it too. Where do you want to live? What does it cost to live there and figure out what annual salary is needed to start out on a life in that location. Then do the job options available to a high school drop out and see if he can make it add up to enough to live where he says he wants to live.

3. Once he settles on a realistic career goal (not that he has to stick to that one, of course), then he might listen when you talk about what he will actually have to do in the next four years to make that career a possibility for himself.

There are many paths to success, but helps to understand that you are on a path.

Good luck.


Flip the priorities on this one. Jeez. Explaining to a 14-year-old that OMG MAYBE HE WON'T BE ABLE TO BUY IN COOL TOWN X is not going to have much, if any, impact.

Achievement is not the basic problem here. It's the kid's behavior and apparent depression, probably combined with a parental and peer culture (as exemplified in the quote post), that are driving that problem.


Hence the 15:06 correction. And did you not read #1?

The rest is only if there are no other issues. FWIW, I pass on this mini-economics exercise because it worked for us. It was fun and eye-opening for our DS and made a huge difference in his priorities and efforts. It was done with humor, spontaneously sparked by something he said, and not as a come to Jesus lecture. The discussion matured him a little bit. But mostly, school for him, which was just a boring place he had to go and do what others told him to do just because they told him to do it, now has a personal purpose that he finally understands (like the PP's kid who wants to go to a particular college). He's never been a people-pleaser and is the last kid who would succumb to outside pressure to get good grades, so we tapped in to his self-interest and his own desires in life, and it worked.

There is a big difference between the message you need to send to a kid who is at risk of not graduating high school versus the unnecessary pressure culture put on kids to go to HYP and the like.
Anonymous
Post 10/13/2015 16:29     Subject: Re:Flunking out of 9th grade
Anonymous wrote:I would worry about his behavior and emotions before I'd worry about his academic performance. He sounds isolated and rather sad.

Find him a kind therapist, or seek a family therapist, and work together to decide about the school after everyone has a better sense of how he's feeling and how to help.


This a million times over.

OP, how much has he depended on tutors over the years? If the answer is "a lot" did he ever get testing for possible learning disabilities? It many not be an LD of any kind, but he's obviously in emotional turmoil.