I'm pretty sure my rabbi and 90 yr old great aunt would say "invite them, it's a mitzvah. Let them decide if they want to come." If they were third cousins then no - but siblings are a different story.

So you invite them, they don't come - no harm, no foul. They come but are not warm and fuzzy - you go over and graciously say hello and thank you and show your DD that family is important- no matter how complicated. You don't invite them, the feud deepens.

The minute chance that there is drama - but it sounds unlikely from your original post - more like ignore or don't come.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you think they would even come if you invited them? If not, I'd invite them.

I thought of this approach. What is likely to happen is that they show up late, act cold and distant, then leave early, which would embarrass me in front of my husband's family who all get along and aren't ashamed of each other. That is when everyone will know how dysfunctional we are.
I think if I don't invite them and the other guests ask where the rest of the family is, I might tell a bold faced lie and say they couldn't make it.

The only trouble is that of the out of town siblings, maybe just one or two could afford to fly in. The big family will look really small. Im just going to have to brush that off. ARGHH

Given this information op, draw the line. Don't invite them. Go on about your life without them. There is no reason you should have to deal with people, much less family, who treat you and yours as less than.

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you ask the five sibs you get along with what they think you should do?

God you sound like such a manipulative self centered drama queen, though.

Not op. What a horrible thing to say. It sounds like op has a dysfunctional family and she may be the scapegoat in a broken dynamic. PP my guess is you either have no clue, or you're proud of your bitchiness.

Stop being desperate. Stop inviting them. Own your actions and when they say "Hey, why didn't you invite us to Emily's bat mitzvah?!" you say "Because your actions have said for YEARS that you have no interest in me or my family and don't want a relationship with us."

Nobody will say anything about how many people are in your family. All families are different. And everyone knows sometimes relationships are complicated. Focus on your daughter and her milestone. This day is about her, not you and your drama with siblings.

I can't imagine inviting someone who hasn't spoken to me in a dozen years as you say one sister hasn't. But I'm a bit puzzled about how and where you still encounter her - the original post indicates she doesnt speak to you at certain events where you and she are both present--? So your paths cross, maybe at family events?

Anyway, not inviting these relatives (and by extension their spouses/kids) leaves more room for your DD to invite her friends who are her own age. When my daughter's best friend had her bat mitzvah, the party was for family, of course, but the friend had heaps of her school and synagogue and Girl Scout and chorus friends come. At 13, kids want their friends at their big party. So look at that as a very positive aspect of just not inviting these relatives.

But take care, OP. Are your other many "uncool" siblings in touch with the ones who aren't speaking to you? Is there a chance that the Cordial Siblings will let slip to the Cold Siblings that the event is taking place before it happens? You don't want Cold Siblings turning up uninvited and tossing their weight around along the lines of, "Well, we figured the religious service is open to all, and assumed you must have just lost our invitation to the party, so here we ARE." Maybe they won't do that, if they don't even speak to you. Depends on how nasty they are, really.

I would not invite them (or their kids since their kids don't play with yours), would invite the people your DD wants there, invite people you care about and want to spend time with, and let it go. Please don't worry so much about other people asking where they are, etc. Most guests won't ask or care or even notice unless they actually know all your many siblings. And by the way, please, please do not let your DD know any of your thoughts over this. If she has never met them but suddenly gets wind of the fact you are feeling angst over whether to invite them, she may feel somehow responsible for making you feel better by saying "It's OK to ask them" or she may alternatively feel angry that you are thinking about inviting people who are strangers....It's not an issue to put onto a kid's plate, so just in case you might inadvertently say something in front of her--well, please don't. If you mention her cousins who apparently are on her radar somewhat, she might start to wonder if she should invite those cousins. I would just let her have fun with compiling the list of her own friends and tell her you'll handle the family and adult guest lists.

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you ask the five sibs you get along with what they think you should do?

God you sound like such a manipulative self centered drama queen, though.

Drama? Is that not what these threads are about? Self centered, yes, this thread is about me.
Anyway, I will admit that I will have to manipulate things since there will be some sort of fib.

The sibs understand, but are tolerant of those two, as I am normally. The five sibs would say for the most part not to invite them.
So I am inclined not to invite them. I am getting too old to worry too much.

OP, why don't you ask the five sibs you get along with what they think you should do?

God you sound like such a manipulative self centered drama queen, though.

You are worrying way too much about what other people think of your family.

Most adults are more than aware that not all families get along and that few families are Rockwell paintings.

Invite them if you want them to attend. Don't invite them if you would prefer not to see them.

Anonymous wrote:Do you think they would even come if you invited them? If not, I'd invite them.

I thought of this approach. What is likely to happen is that they show up late, act cold and distant, then leave early, which would embarrass me in front of my husband's family who all get along and aren't ashamed of each other. That is when everyone will know how dysfunctional we are.
I think if I don't invite them and the other guests ask where the rest of the family is, I might tell a bold faced lie and say they couldn't make it.

The only trouble is that of the out of town siblings, maybe just one or two could afford to fly in. The big family will look really small. Im just going to have to brush that off. ARGHH

Do you think they would even come if you invited them? If not, I'd invite them.

Sounds like bridges are already gone ... given facts as described I would not invite them.

Anonymous wrote:Do these relatives attend the same shul as your DD?

No. They will find out if the other relatives come to town though.
This will send a clear message that I decided not to invite them. I am no fan of bridge burning. They will be surprised since I have always been the desperate one who reaches out. I am not trying to hurt anyone, I just feel like this is a time when a line needs to be drawn between friends and not friends.

Why in the world would you invite people you have no relationship with? Who gives a fuck what people think if they aren't invited. Chances are, they don't know you have those siblings and, if they do, they already know the story.

Do these relatives attend the same shul as your DD?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is their relationship like with your DD? What does she want to do?

She does not know them.

I see no reason for her to invite them.