Anonymous wrote:So, just elope. Don't invite either side of the family. Then take your new husband to visit your side of the family for a weekend. You can keep the two sides of the family separate.

I've been married before ( I was 18, eloped). I have my heart set on a real wedding. I have made a nice life for myself. My friends are family, I'd like ten to be there. He's close to his family. I'm just not sure what we will tell his family about my family not being there. I guess I could tell my family thay I eloped, and keep all pictures off of social media.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't been in touch with my mother since I was 15 so my husband and kids have never met her.

What do you tell your children?

Nothing. They're 2 and almost 4. But I'll just tell them when they ask that we're not close because we had a big disagreement and she's not a nice person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you estranged from them? Or do you see them occasionally?

Oops, saw that you posted.

I guess another question is, what do YOU want from your relationship with them? I hope you don't give them money… But if you are so unhappy with them, why see them twice a year?

I do give them money. My mother is on a fixed income. I make more money tham all of them. I go home take every one to the salon get there hair and nails done. I take them to dinner, and stock the pantry. I see them out of obligation. I am the oldest. By day 2 I am upset and crying over something someone has said or done. But when I don't come around my mother gets depressed and suicidal. She's manipulative.

It will never get better. Sorry OP. You should stop giving them any money.
It will never be enough or actually help them. Get therapy for yourself if you want to learn how to stay connected or become estranged.

So, just elope. Don't invite either side of the family. Then take your new husband to visit your side of the family for a weekend. You can keep the two sides of the family separate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you estranged from them? Or do you see them occasionally?

Oops, saw that you posted.

I guess another question is, what do YOU want from your relationship with them? I hope you don't give them money… But if you are so unhappy with them, why see them twice a year?

I do give them money. My mother is on a fixed income. I make more money tham all of them. I go home take every one to the salon get there hair and nails done. I take them to dinner, and stock the pantry. I see them out of obligation. I am the oldest. By day 2 I am upset and crying over something someone has said or done. But when I don't come around my mother gets depressed and suicidal. She's manipulative.

Wow, so scary, especially the text of her arm, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, OP!

Anonymous wrote:I haven't been in touch with my mother since I was 15 so my husband and kids have never met her.

What do you tell your children?

Anonymous wrote:
Sounds like you've got your hands full with an abusive/manipulative adult family dynamic.

Some people who come from abusive families with "horrific family secrets" won't risk extended family drama and so they do not include them in their new lives. They control the socializing and keep it separate and at a minimum.

What do you say when people ask if you have family? You will need a good answer to keep people from prying.

Counseling for you would be a good idea; it will help you to be able to have a healthy emotional relationship when you do marry.

I am in counseling. I feel like I can't completely cut her off because of the horrific things she's been through. When people ask if I have family I say yes. I tell them I'm from a small town and I make up stories.

I haven't been in touch with my mother since I was 15 so my husband and kids have never met her.

Sounds like you've got your hands full with an abusive/manipulative adult family dynamic.

Some people who come from abusive families with "horrific family secrets" won't risk extended family drama and so they do not include them in their new lives. They control the socializing and keep it separate and at a minimum.

What do you say when people ask if you have family? You will need a good answer to keep people from prying.

Counseling for you would be a good idea; it will help you to be able to have a healthy emotional relationship when you do marry.

If they are a part of your life at all, i think its important to have your partner meet and see them once. If you get engaged have him visit one afternoon and dont even stay for a meal. If you had cut them out of your life completely i would say you could aboid this, but i think you need to do it at least once.

If you can figure out a way to get married without the two families meeting, i think thats fine. Consider a small wedding with family only and invite both sides and get it done as quickly as possible. Later have a big party with your friends and inlaws in your current town ans dont invite your family.

Sounds like a ton of stress for you. I hope you can get some counseling to help you figure out how to disentangle yourself from them in order to protect yourself emotionally. If you must see them, then I'd leave when they cross your boundaries (e.g. when they make you cry). It's possible that having your partner involved could actually help you to set those limits and then leave when they're crossed…


Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your mother is a stress to you. Sounds like you don't want to be around her.

These reasons are valid in themselves to keep your family out of your life. It is your life after all.

It took me years to extricate myself from my family. I admire your speed.

Skip the drama. Do what your heart is telling you to do. It's O.K. to avoid them.

^ This.

Cut them out of your life and don't look back

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you estranged from them? Or do you see them occasionally?

Oops, saw that you posted.

I guess another question is, what do YOU want from your relationship with them? I hope you don't give them money… But if you are so unhappy with them, why see them twice a year?

I do give them money. My mother is on a fixed income. I make more money tham all of them. I go home take every one to the salon get there hair and nails done. I take them to dinner, and stock the pantry. I see them out of obligation. I am the oldest. By day 2 I am upset and crying over something someone has said or done. But when I don't come around my mother gets depressed and suicidal. She's manipulative.

Anonymous wrote:Are you estranged from them? Or do you see them occasionally?

I see them occasionally. I'm not estranged, but my family stresses me out. When my mother is bored she invents crisis. She once told us all she was dying, or she sends me texts with "help" scratched into her arm.

Anonymous wrote:Are you estranged from them? Or do you see them occasionally?

Oops, saw that you posted.

I guess another question is, what do YOU want from your relationship with them? I hope you don't give them money… But if you are so unhappy with them, why see them twice a year?