Do thanksgiving at home, you and the kids.

Anonymous wrote:If your mom won't cancel I would drop the kids off or have them go with their dad. There is plenty of time to cancel but your mom way overstepped her boundaries. You definitely shouldn't go.

OP here. So I am being punished and have to spend the holidays alone? The agreement between DH and myself was "we switch holidays." This year Thanksgiving was with me and Christmas with him. Next year, Thanksgiving with him and Christmas with me. So I feel ditched.

Anonymous wrote:If your mom won't cancel I would drop the kids off or have them go with their dad. There is plenty of time to cancel but your mom way overstepped her boundaries. You definitely shouldn't go.

+1

If your mom won't cancel I would drop the kids off or have them go with their dad. There is plenty of time to cancel but your mom way overstepped her boundaries. You definitely shouldn't go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, she's probably catching on to the fact that your divorce means less grandparent time for her.

My mom does a similar thing-- tries to make us have holidays with my dad even though my parents have been divorced for 20 years. So far, nobody has cooperated with her. It's all about pretending she has a big happy family and bogarting my dad's grandchild time.

OP here. She lives 20 minutes away from me so she's able to drop by any time. Plus, when our kids were little, she was our after care person. Now they are big enough to hop on the bus or uber. Seriously, that's not what she's worried about. Besides, our DCs always gravitated towards her and my Dad vs. ILs.

She can drop by, but what if the kids are at their dad's house? You know her best, so maybe that's not what she's worried about, but divorce often does mean less time with the extended family. Or, if she wants to see them as much as she did before, it will be harder to arrange.

Divorce casts a long shadow.

Anonymous wrote:OP, she's probably catching on to the fact that your divorce means less grandparent time for her.

My mom does a similar thing-- tries to make us have holidays with my dad even though my parents have been divorced for 20 years. So far, nobody has cooperated with her. It's all about pretending she has a big happy family and bogarting my dad's grandchild time.

OP here. She lives 20 minutes away from me so she's able to drop by any time. Plus, when our kids were little, she was our after care person. Now they are big enough to hop on the bus or uber. Seriously, that's not what she's worried about. Besides, our DCs always gravitated towards her and my Dad vs. ILs.

OP, she's probably catching on to the fact that your divorce means less grandparent time for her.

My mom does a similar thing-- tries to make us have holidays with my dad even though my parents have been divorced for 20 years. So far, nobody has cooperated with her. It's all about pretending she has a big happy family and bogarting my dad's grandchild time.

Anonymous wrote:My mother would do the same type of thing. She thinks she is can manipulate people do what she wants and that they are too dumb to understand what she is doing. It is some odd passive-aggressive control issue. Proves how she still wants the best for everyone, they can still be friends (even if they weren't really before), she looks like the bigger person....

OP here. I asked her point blank, "Mom, you do understand we are getting divorced, right? You do understand that other than children' pick up times and their grades, we have nothing to talk about, right? Then why are you getting us all together in the same room when you know perfectly well that we are NOT getting back together and that the kids are FINE with that?"

She can't give me a response other than "well, I thought it'd be nice for the kids to be with both sets of grandparents during the holidays." We never did that while we were married, why bother when we are divorced?

Yes, I am done with this marriage, I am trying to move on. Stop holding on to some weird dream of "things will get better."

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I can't even get both our parents and inlaws in the same room for a holiday and we aren't divorced. This is really strange.

Yep, we don't combine families like that. His parents do their thing and sometimes we join and my parents do their thing and sometimes we join. It's very awkward and fabricated. Set your boundaries now so you don't fall into a pattern.

Anonymous wrote:My mother would do the same type of thing. She thinks she is can manipulate people do what she wants and that they are too dumb to understand what she is doing. It is some odd passive-aggressive control issue. Proves how she still wants the best for everyone, they can still be friends (even if they weren't really before), she looks like the bigger person....

OMG yes, this is my mother also. So annoying and transparent.

Anonymous wrote:My mother would do the same type of thing. She thinks she is can manipulate people do what she wants and that they are too dumb to understand what she is doing. It is some odd passive-aggressive control issue. Proves how she still wants the best for everyone, they can still be friends (even if they weren't really before), she looks like the bigger person....

This is my MIL. Her adult children do not get along, really don't. She keeps trying to set up situations where they'll unknowingly be thrown together and maybe suddenly like one another after decades of bickering.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is thinking of your children.

This.
The kids want holidays with both parents.

Suck it up and go for your kids. Give them these one last holidays as a family. The rest of there lives will be split between homes. And give yourself this too. From now on, you will spend some holidays alone.

Don't underestimate how awkward this will be for the kids. Tensions cannot be eliminated and the ex and his family aren't even friends with OP's parents so there is going to be that social stiffness on top of everything else.

OP, if your mom isn't willing to see your side of it I wold go to ex-DH directly and tell him how uncomfortable you are with the situation. It will not be a shock to him.

I'm sorry, OP. This divorce is a learning curve for your parents, too. Your mother made one mistake, and you have to make sure she knows not to plan these things without asking you first.

I understand that Thanksgiving will be at your parents' house? I don't know if she can uninvite them, but if she can't, I suppose you all have to go and perhaps, just perhaps, it won't be as bad as you think!

My mother would do the same type of thing. She thinks she is can manipulate people do what she wants and that they are too dumb to understand what she is doing. It is some odd passive-aggressive control issue. Proves how she still wants the best for everyone, they can still be friends (even if they weren't really before), she looks like the bigger person....

Wow! I can't even get both our parents and inlaws in the same room for a holiday and we aren't divorced. This is really strange.