Definitely speak with her in person, OP. A phone call would be all the more humiliating. She needs to see your concern and the absence of judgment re her parenting. It's a hard thing to hear. Think about what you can do to create an atmosphere where she can go through all of the emotions that may emerge in response to this news.

Anonymous wrote:^ thank you

I know it is the right thing. Been sitting here for a few hours just kind of numb. Not sure of the right thing to do even though I know in my heart its right and I would want to know.

I am kind of traditional and sort of a goody goody and sometimes my views are far too conservative here on DCUM so I thought I would ask. I really really don't want to do something irreparable in this girls life if this is not the big deal I feel it is.

I consider myself rather liberal when it comes to sex. I was 26 when I had it for the first time and have always thought how different life would have been for me if I had started earlier. But, oh hell no! Thirteen is unbelievably young, no matter the context. I'm thinking 15, if they've been in a relationship for a while, would be fine. But, as others have stated, even if you're French, no 13yo is old enough to be having sex---especially without her parents knowing. I have a DD and would be devastated if she entered a sexual experience independent of all of the knowledge and support a young girl (13?!!) needs.

I don't think of myself as a "goody goody" and would wholeheartedly endorse speaking with the parents about this. Even if it's not true and you heard wrong, it just has to be done.

8:08 here again.... even without the fact that it is probably a crime punishable by jail and sex offender status, ...13 is WAY, WAY too young to be handling the responsibilities of sex. There is no way a 13 yr. old has developed the emotional/decision making abilities to handle all the issues related to sex, power, disease, and pregnancy. There is no good that can come from this.

Well..., there's the part about it being a felony in both Maryland and Virginia .... so that might be a starting point for determining whether this is o.k.

http://age-of-consent.findthedata.com/l/21/Maryland

http://www.vdh.virginia.gov/ofhs/prevention/dsvp/varapelaws/laws_rape.html


In DC, it would be a felony for the 17 yr. old, but not for the 16 yr. old b/c of the age difference with the 13 yr. old.
http://www.criminaldefenselawyer.com/resources/district-columbia-statutory-rape-laws.htm

13 years-old is way too young to be having sex (and I'm reasonably laid back about it when they are 17 & 18 years). You need to tell the mother in the most non-judgmental and caring way possible. You've already said she will be humiliated so go easy with her, but she needs to know.

Also, what the hell is an almost 17 year-old boy doing hanging out with a 13 year-old girl? All the 17 year-olds I know wouldn't be caught dead hanging out/dating a tween! At this age a one year age difference can be big and this is what would make me the most uncomfortable. It shows a power imbalance (as a PP stated) and I'm sure quite a bit of peer pressure. This boy can't get what he wants from more mature girls so he is going for the impressionable younger girl. It's an odd and possibly volatile dynamic.

Bottom line...parents need to know and need to be prepared to step up and step in to protect their daughter.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

Yikes. Sounds like those parents are only going to add to this problem. If I knew that their MO would be to shame the girl and focus on their own humiliation then I might not say anything.

I agree. This complicates it greatly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

I wonder what the parents believe about sex education -- sex, contraceptives, STIs, etc.? Parents who don't think that their children should be informed about sex + a child who is having sex = a very bad combination.

Anonymous wrote:13 is too young. I agree with informing the parents.

+1 That kid has way too much freedom and is hanging out with the wrong people. The parents need to know ASAP.

13 is too young. I agree with informing the parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

Yikes. Sounds like those parents are only going to add to this problem. If I knew that their MO would be to shame the girl and focus on their own humiliation then I might not say anything.

13 is so, so young. And a nearly 17? yikes. That's a concerning age difference. So both those details together would lead me to tell the parents ASAP. Unless I thought they would do something extreme like beat her or throw her out - then I would just speak to the child directly.

I am around a lot of 12/13 yo girls, and I can assure you, that while they are physically mature, they are tweens at heart -- they see a playground and wish they could play on it.

If you listen to them talk, it is about whatever there hobbies are. Anime, etc.

I here this as a coach. I am out on the field with the girls.

Some of them (i.e., my daughter) thinks she knows a lot about sex, but for them, they know terms.

These girls are not ready. Tell the parents.

Also, as a parent, when I look back on my own experience, to realize how immature a 13/14 yo girl is today, and knowing that at 17, I made out with a 14 yo (her parents did not think she was anywhere near that, and had not had any talk with her), I know I need to keep my daughter away from older boys. I do not know how though.

I am not remotely conservative, but if it were me, and I were sure that shame was the worst thing that her parents would do in relation to this child I would strongly consider telling them.
Maybe not if I knew that she had free and easy access and education to contraceptives, counselling and support outside of her family, but I would still be concerned.
I would especially be concerned about the age difference - at that age even a few years difference can create a power imbalance, that in my view a thirteen year old girl is at a stage in their lives where they are vulnerable and can be malleable. Add that to a still developing brain, mad hormones and an older boyfriend and it can lead to decisions that can affect her whole lifespan. Or she could be fine. But yeah, I would be concerned.

Anonymous wrote:How close are you to both her parents? Is there any chance of severe punishment, namely abuse? But that's how it went down in my neighborhood growing up, when parents found out a girl was having sex. Dads usually beat the crap out of them. If you don't think that's a likelihood, tell. If you do, approach the girl if you can. Or a school counselor.

There would be no abuse but I do know this would be taken as very shameful and a very grave disappointment. They would not want anyone to know this was taking place in their family. Her mother is one of my closest friends and I know that she would be humiliated by this. This is why my first reaction was both to call her immediately and to take a pause and think about if this is the right thing to do.

Anonymous wrote:Is it even ethical to approach a 13yo child that is not your own and say I know you are having sex do you need me to take you to get birth control or do you need condoms?

I'm the mom of 3 daughters who posted above you. As far as I'm concerned, if I've failed to cultivate a relationship with my girls where they can tell me they need birth control, I sure as hell HOPE some other responsible adult will step in and help them. PLEASE save them from pregnancy and STD's!