OP he could try to physically harm you if he finds out you're talking to his wife. Other posters have it--be kind, let her know it's ancient history to you but that you wish her well, etc. Don't get embroiled in what will definitely be a nightmare.

OP, just curious. What county or state did this happen in. Or what industry was the DH in? This story is so similar to my story it almost sounds the same. And you were two years ago, I just happened.

Yay for OP she went from zero to hero.


Zzzzz

16:46 here. OP, use the report button to report the asshole posts. the site owner, Jeff, will delete them for you if you ask. This is your thread. btdt.

I know you are looking for closure on this, OP, and are tempted to contact her.

Before you do, ask yourself what purpose will it serve. You need to protect yourself if this woman is on the warpath and doesn't care who she hurts as long as her husband goes down. I am less concerned with physical vengeance as with public outing. Don't give out your address or full name or place of work. You will be able to see exactly where this is going in the first few minutes of your conversation, if you decide to take her up on the offer.

I've also been the unsuspecting OW, OP. It sucks and I get it. Ignore the haters on the thread.

I think you should send a polite but formal and clear-boundaries email in reply. express compassion for what she's going through, but say that it was an awful period for you, you've worked hard to put it behind you, and you don't wish to relive it by talking to her. Maybe add that if she wants to talk because she is seeking a divorce then her lawyer can contact you from now on, but she should already have more than enough information from your last email.

She is asking you to be a friend and that is just a bad idea. She's now where you were, remember--that nasty email years ago was her in denial and lashing out. Now she is actually grappling with it, a betrayal a lot worse than yours. You can have compassion for her all you want but you do not need to take on her pain and reopen your own wounds by being her friend. He hurt you both but your shared pain is no basis for a relationship.

I never did contact the wife and always wondered if I should have. The Ashley Madison hack brought it all back for me because when I looked at the records on Fairfax Underground my lying married ex-BF was on that site like white on rice. In the end it gave me more, not less, peace because the information being so accessible meant I no longer had even a tiny theoretical obligation to inform her. Likewise, your obligation towards her is long over. Keep on with the recovery and good luck finding real love. Decent men are out there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? You dated him for a year and didn't know he was married? Hmmm...

Op here. I met his friends, I had stuff at his apartment, and he had stuff at mine. We celebrated my birthday together, went on vacations together. Short of assuming that every man is a lying married cheater and calling a private investigator, how in the world was I supposed to know? Until I found out, it had literally never crossed my mind that could happen to me.

My stomach still feels upset just thinking about it.

Because he did not spend thanksgiving, Christmas or NYE with you. Because you never met his family.

Lots of people have apartments in the city and commute home on the weekends or fly to another city for the week and have an apartmen

Did you just fall off the turnip truck?

Wtf? Not OP but you're paranoid.

Op here. Can the people who are here only to accuse me of lying go somewhere else? I know this is par for the course with DCUM, but I am not sure what you think you are contributing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? You dated him for a year and didn't know he was married? Hmmm...

Op here. I met his friends, I had stuff at his apartment, and he had stuff at mine. We celebrated my birthday together, went on vacations together. Short of assuming that every man is a lying married cheater and calling a private investigator, how in the world was I supposed to know? Until I found out, it had literally never crossed my mind that could happen to me.

My stomach still feels upset just thinking about it.

Because he did not spend thanksgiving, Christmas or NYE with you. Because you never met his family.

Lots of people have apartments in the city and commute home on the weekends or fly to another city for the week and have an apartmen

Did you just fall off the turnip truck?

Op here. Clearly, you are here to be an asshole. I spent all my holidays with my parents out of state. I had no interest in meeting his family at that point and had no reason to think there was any hurry. I was 26, building my career in a tough field, and just happy to be with someone who was fun, loving, and put no pressure on me.

Since you are an asshole, I am sure that you assume everyone you meet is an asshole too. I am not an asshole and I had no reason to doubt him.

You lost me, OP. That she would reach out to you makes no sense at all. Either this is made up (too bad, because it's a great read) or she is seriously screwed up and you should run in the other direction.

My money is on "this is made up."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be nice of you to meet her. If you were lost and terrified and alone, I'm sure you would appreciate someone being kind enough to listen to you. Treat her how you would hope someone would treat you.

This. You don't need to invite her be your bestie, but just be kind to her.

Op here. But what does being kind to her mean? I have a lot of compassion for her because when I found out that he was lying to me, it was as if I was falling through space. I just could not believe it and I went through a dark time of doubting every man I met. I imagine his wife must be much more hurt. At the same time, I don't even know what the right thing is here.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? You dated him for a year and didn't know he was married? Hmmm...

Op here. I met his friends, I had stuff at his apartment, and he had stuff at mine. We celebrated my birthday together, went on vacations together. Short of assuming that every man is a lying married cheater and calling a private investigator, how in the world was I supposed to know? Until I found out, it had literally never crossed my mind that could happen to me.

My stomach still feels upset just thinking about it.

Because he did not spend thanksgiving, Christmas or NYE with you. Because you never met his family.

Lots of people have apartments in the city and commute home on the weekends or fly to another city for the week and have an apartmen

Did you just fall off the turnip truck?

You don't owe her anything and no one would fault you for ignoring her and moving on.

That said, it would be compassionate to meet with her once to find out whether she is contrite and/or a person you feel comfortable helping out of a bad place. If you do, pick a public place like a Starbucks, one where you have no ties (e.g. not a place you go regularly) and can exit quickly and easily if she looks like trouble. You never know if it will be a good or bad experience until you give her a chance, but you don't want to leave yourself without an exit strategy.

Anonymous wrote:What? You dated him for a year and didn't know he was married? Hmmm...

Op here. I met his friends, I had stuff at his apartment, and he had stuff at mine. We celebrated my birthday together, went on vacations together. Short of assuming that every man is a lying married cheater and calling a private investigator, how in the world was I supposed to know? Until I found out, it had literally never crossed my mind that could happen to me.

My stomach still feels upset just thinking about it.

She might need an affidavit from you or for you to act as witness in the divorce. Courts can be really hesitant to accept evidence of cheating. Without a real person saying "yes, I know firsthand that he cheated and here is how", the court has no way of knowing that she did not just make up an email address and send herself all kinds of falsified info to get leverage.