Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would proceed with your plans to parent, however . . . unless you have medical issues, it might be easier (and will certaintly be cheaper) to get pregnant the old fashioned way. As in, start temping/charting your fertility cycles and have some well timed sex. There are lots of guys online who will be happy to have sex with you with no strings attached; I heard a radio story about guys who have gotten women pregnant like this. The women were upfront about what they wanted: pregnancy. The guys were upfront about what they wanted: sex. They all met online. GL!

It sounds like OP is specifically interested in adopting and has done quite a bit of research. I'm sure she's aware of how difficult the road can be. Even if she were interested in having a child through pregnancy, I would hardly recommend your approach. There are many sperm banks available that will provide screening, no risks of STDs, and no legal entanglements with a biological father.

[u]

plus 1.

OP - you say the older one only has SN issues that you can handle. But I guarantee you, the child will have some sort of attachment issues. Read up on attachment before you take any further steps in the process.

Signed,
Someone who's been dealing with this for 3 years and probably would have lost my mind without a supportive spouse

Anonymous wrote:The goal of foster care is reunification. The kids generally who are freed for adoption already have significant issues. I would go for China if your true goal is adoption.

Wrong.

Kids "without issues" get freed for adoption all the time - but 80% of the time they're adopted by their foster parents. So OP is right, she'd have to be on board with fostering and all that that entails (ie reunification) and just be open to the possibility of adoption.

For OP along, with anyone interested in exploring adopting and fostering, there will be an Adoption and Foster Care Expo in D.C. on Dec 5th. (This is the new iteration of the expo formerly sponsored by the Freddie Mac Foundation).

Another option for OP is domestic private adoption. It is not easy, but it is a path for a single to adopt an infant. Families for Private Adoption will be offering an adoption workshop on Dec 12th in Kensington, MD.

I adopted as a single parent. Please only adopt one of these kids. There are so many issues that come up over the years. I did a special needs international adoption. The special need has been manageable. The unexpected and ongoing struggles are what grind me down day to day. I love my child with all my heart, but there is no way I could handle tow right now.
And I am pretty sure I make a lot more money than you do.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I appreciate all viewpoints and opinions - thank you!

I don't think I am being too naive - I'm posting for information after all! I realize it would be challenging and I'm not interested in sleeping with strangers in order to get pregnant. I've wanted to adopt for years, it's just a question of whether to go ahead and do it alone or not.

China apparently prefers a household net worth of at least 100,000 - I'm not there yet. So it's possible I won't qualify for another few years anyway. I'll know for sure once I hear back from the agency.

OP, go for it. Better for these kids to adopted than not, especially given their particular situation. The advice is important but as long as you are prepared financially or via your insurance and have a flexible job to do the therapies, it could be a wonderful thing for both of you.

OP here.

I appreciate all viewpoints and opinions - thank you!

I don't think I am being too naive - I'm posting for information after all! I realize it would be challenging and I'm not interested in sleeping with strangers in order to get pregnant. I've wanted to adopt for years, it's just a question of whether to go ahead and do it alone or not.

China apparently prefers a household net worth of at least 100,000 - I'm not there yet. So it's possible I won't qualify for another few years anyway. I'll know for sure once I hear back from the agency.

OP You sound like a very nice person, but...
Pretty much everyone thinks that they can handle two kids -- after all the neighbors all have two. But that is two bio, without SN.
And they think that SN will not be a problem (that's b/c no one really wants to hear their struggles)
Adoption agencies have their reasons for discouraging two at once. There are so many factors happening at once. You have so many here -- SN, older child, different culture, no husband, not a high income, your sister lives with you now, but is not committed to the idea ... Unlike many people, I know some who have been on your path. It was not the best result. The people I knew had plenty of money, but all those doctor appts ate up the extra pretty quickly. Their bosses were perpetually angry with them for missing so much work. They thought they would send their kid to the local school a few blocks away, but that did not work out. Even the public school that have a "program" are sometimes extremely basic. And they NEVER got married. Even dating was a problem. People looking at the situation from the outside tended to say, no thanks. Do a LOT of research. It is so easy to fall in love with a picture or an information folder, but the reality is very difficult.
30 is very young. I agree with other posters who said try on your own -- being a single mom is plenty challenging itself. Older adopted children are NOT easier than having a baby yourself.

I adopted as a single mom at age 30. It's 15 years later and I don't regret it for a single minute.

But I can unequivocally say you are being extremely naive and you are in for a massive let down.

- wait a few years before committing to adoption and during that time try dating again. Dating is super hard once you have a child. It's tough not being a coupled in your early thirties with a kid from a social aspect and don't pretend you won't want to be social. You need to be for your mental health and your child's

- RAD is very possible in any adopted child who has spent time in an institutional setting. For older child adoption you must accept that and parent from day one as if the child has attachment issues. There are many, many adopted Chinese RAD children. In fact, the yahoo group for Chinese children with RAD is one of the oldest and best resources you can find with RAD info. Remember parents parenting these children do not have time to post fancy blogs about their adoption.

- children with special needs need therapy outside of what the school system provides. What does your insurance cover if at all? Do you know most providers do not take insurance and you first pay out of pocket. A neuropsychology eval can run you $3K or more.

- therapy appointments - how are you getting to those?

- family/friends will tell you beforehand all the help they will give you. Do not count on this. The majority can't or won't help. Remember they are busy with their own lives and if your child has behavior issues they will quickly bail on wanting to help. Make sure you can afford sitters.

- make sure you are in great shape and great health. If you aren't spend time getting in shape and taking care of health issues, it's very difficult to single parent if you have a health issue.

Anonymous wrote:We adopted internationally (NSN toddler).

Since you asked .... I think you should adopt the 6-year-old. It sounds like you're in a much stronger position than most PAPs to help him with his particular issues.

However, I would strongly suggest waiting until the 6-year-old is settled in your home before you consider adopting a second child. Going from 0-60 is really hard, even without any SNs. Have your full attention and emotional energy available to get him settled. You are young, you have plenty of time to follow up with a second adoption once you and he are ready to expand your family.

dito!!

OP, if you're set to get started with your family now I'd say go forward with the 6 year old. You sound like you'd be a great mom to him! As tempting as it is to adopt two at once, when it comes to kids with special needs, especially a 6 year old, he'll need your full attention when it comes to attachment and his needs. That's what I recommend.

Also consider that you are pretty young still. Are you sure you're ready to give up on the "normal" way of doing things? 30 is still totally young enough to meet a man, get married, have kids, AND adopt. Just an idea.

We adopted internationally (NSN toddler).

Since you asked .... I think you should adopt the 6-year-old. It sounds like you're in a much stronger position than most PAPs to help him with his particular issues.

However, I would strongly suggest waiting until the 6-year-old is settled in your home before you consider adopting a second child. Going from 0-60 is really hard, even without any SNs. Have your full attention and emotional energy available to get him settled. You are young, you have plenty of time to follow up with a second adoption once you and he are ready to expand your family.

Anonymous wrote:You sound dedicated to this idea, and very drawn to this child. Your son may be living half way around the world at this very moment. Why haven't you already called the agency? What is really holding you back?

I did contact them.

China permits multiple child adoptions if the children are in special focus programs (aka special needs). I did send my interest out there and they had me complete a family information sheet, we'll see if I qualify. If I do qualify they will put me on a waiting list to view the boys' files and I can fill out an application. If the application is approved, then I start the home study and dossier process. They also sent me time table/list of fees - whoa $$$! However I think if I do pursue this, I can make it work especially if my family members/friends are willing and able to help.

The reason why I posted is it's a lot to consider, a lot to think about, and it's a big leap to make as a single person.

I have done all of your options: foster care that led to an adoption, adoption of an older child, international adoption, adoption of kids with special needs and adoption of a toddler. I also adopted a baby. I didn't do that many adoptions, but these are the categories of things you are considering and my adoptions cross all of these categories. I say go for it if that's that you want - but educate yourself first. Also, if you're going to do international adoption, start saving. It's really expensive.

Hardest thing I did was adoption from foster care due to the fact that there were multiple disruptions in my son's life, he had behavior problems and now suffers from PTSD due to abuse that he suffered prior to coming to live with us. He also has special needs due to prenatal alcohol exposure.

I hear from friends who adopted from China that the application process is extremely grueling and the wait is really long. And, the only thing I will say is that if you adopt a child with special needs, one of the things to consider is how you will make the time to fit in things like therapy and medical treatment.

Good luck. If you haven't discovered it in your research, the US DoS has a great international adoption website.

Anonymous wrote:I would proceed with your plans to parent, however . . . unless you have medical issues, it might be easier (and will certaintly be cheaper) to get pregnant the old fashioned way. As in, start temping/charting your fertility cycles and have some well timed sex. There are lots of guys online who will be happy to have sex with you with no strings attached; I heard a radio story about guys who have gotten women pregnant like this. The women were upfront about what they wanted: pregnancy. The guys were upfront about what they wanted: sex. They all met online. GL!

It sounds like OP is specifically interested in adopting and has done quite a bit of research. I'm sure she's aware of how difficult the road can be. Even if she were interested in having a child through pregnancy, I would hardly recommend your approach. There are many sperm banks available that will provide screening, no risks of STDs, and no legal entanglements with a biological father.

I would proceed with your plans to parent, however . . . unless you have medical issues, it might be easier (and will certaintly be cheaper) to get pregnant the old fashioned way. As in, start temping/charting your fertility cycles and have some well timed sex. There are lots of guys online who will be happy to have sex with you with no strings attached; I heard a radio story about guys who have gotten women pregnant like this. The women were upfront about what they wanted: pregnancy. The guys were upfront about what they wanted: sex. They all met online. GL!