Anonymous wrote:OP here again.. worst part is to find out about BF from another parent (or parents).
I understand this is a different culture, and there is a bit of health education but you don't know what your kid could run into.. especially
when at this age they may possibly lack the capacity to think clearly when making decisions ... Or who knows, today's teens are
far more smart than we give them credit for...

This means that you've just created an atmosphere where you child cannot come to you for help or questions. I wasn't allowed to have a boyfriend until I was 16, so I spent 1.5 year sneaking around right when I really could have used my parents. Of course kids make dumb decisions, that's what being a kid means. You've removed yourself from the picture with your rule.

Anonymous wrote: My parents controlled exactly what "dating" was for me in high school, and I appreciate it. I really wasn't bothered by it then, either.
I wasn't allowed to talk on the phone after 7 pm, so no "all night long" talk fests like some of my friends.
No boys in the house unless my parents were home.
No boys upstairs, ever.
I could go out in groups, and that was always verified (so 2 boys and 2 girls to a movie. It was actually more fun that way with a girlfriend!)
Boys had to come over first, spend some time inside talking to my dad. That was hilarious.
And it was limited to weekends, week days were for school work.
The result was fun, age appropriate dating a few times per month and no chance for a serious, heavy, too involved relationship that took over school focus and was too much for my maturity level.
I plan to do the same thing for my kids

This is similar to my upbringing. I don't think you can control the kind of relationship a kid has with others. But you can set parameters on their interactions outside of school.

My parents controlled exactly what "dating" was for me in high school, and I appreciate it. I really wasn't bothered by it then, either.
I wasn't allowed to talk on the phone after 7 pm, so no "all night long" talk fests like some of my friends.
No boys in the house unless my parents were home.
No boys upstairs, ever.
I could go out in groups, and that was always verified (so 2 boys and 2 girls to a movie. It was actually more fun that way with a girlfriend!)
Boys had to come over first, spend some time inside talking to my dad. That was hilarious.
And it was limited to weekends, week days were for school work.
The result was fun, age appropriate dating a few times per month and no chance for a serious, heavy, too involved relationship that took over school focus and was too much for my maturity level.
I plan to do the same thing for my kids

Anonymous wrote:we just tell our DD /DS no dating until 16. No exceptions. I do realize there will be special people in my children's life and thats all good but they will only see them during school hours.

Ha, that's what YOU think. I had a super controlling and strict mother, yet even I found ways around her.

What do you think magically happens at 16 that will make your kids mature enough to go from never dating even in groups to being allowed to date? Kids mature at different rates - some 14 yr olds are mature enough while some 16 yr olds aren't.

we just tell our DD /DS no dating until 16. No exceptions. I do realize there will be special people in my children's life and thats all good but they will only see them during school hours.

A blanket ban will cause her to hide things. Impose some restrictions--they can go out with a group, be home by 9, meet alone together but only under your roof--whatever you can live with. But don't ban it. It's not realistic for a child who's socially aware.

Teen brains are still developing their prefrontal cortex in terms of decision making and risk calculation, so I understand your fears perfectly. But the solution is not to issue a blanket ban and never talk about it, because not only will it foster resentment in such a liberal country as the US, where teens can look about and see all kinds of ridiculous freedoms, but it may also have terrible consequences - your teen may go under the radar to do these things and in the absence of any parental advice, will take far greater risks.

Coming from a repressed home where such things were taboo, I can tell you that the best thing is to TALK. Talk about sex, about STDs, about pregnancy, about contraception, about being distracted from studies by emotional turmoil, about your family's culture and values. You have to be more persuasive than the siren calls of peer pressure and media portrayals of modern youth culture.

Teens love their parents and don't want to disappoint them. Repeat yourself ad auseam, like a broken record - it will stick! Make your family values important by explaining them but also offer your child a compromise. She can keep the boyfriend, under what circumstances? This is for you to decide with her. Your role is to guide.

My mom was as strict as you when I was in high school, OP. I went crazy in college - in terms of dating and partying.

My mom is emotionally abusive and controlling so I have cut her off from my life. I would be careful if I were you.

Op, you are on the other side of the spectrum on this issue, I doubt I'll do anything to change your mind. My DD is a Dr and had boyfriends starting in 7th grade. Serious probably early college but I don't consider that any of my business. It's part of maturing. For a young woman to handle her relationship/sexual life and handle it well is very empowering. But you as a parent have to believe that either 1) their pre marital sex life is none of your business - and especially after 18yrs old many parents believe this, or 2) that pre martial sex is actually a positive and is part of the entire health/happiness for the young adult, for anyone. Again after 18 ideally.

I encountered parents, though not a strict as you, that did not want their high schooler dating. One mother told my DD her son could not date her because he was failing chemistry. DD offered to tutor him (with Mom present) Mom would have none of it! Dr DD and I laugh about that now! Op, please don't be too inflexible.

I agree with a PP - if your child dates now, you can provide guidance. Once college rolls around it's harder. Also, easier to deal with first heart break in high school then college when the stakes are higher - away from home and the familiar, studying is tougher, other social pressures,

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I come from a background where no BF is allowed till college or later. How do you enforce this ?
DD already has a BF in high school and wants justification in this 'rule'. .we tell her she needs to
understand that 1) she may not make the right decisions at this stage.. 2) she needs to really focus on what she wants to
pursue in her life (e.g. becoming a Doc).

But DD thinks this BF thing .. she has it under 'control'. but we are very apprehensive.
We obviously do not want her to come home one day with some unexpected outcomes such as a pregnancy.

Have you dealt with this Have an appt with a counselor next week but not sure if that would help..........

That's why you make sure that she knows about your values AND also about using contraception to prevent pregnancy (and condoms to prevent the transmission of STIs). The message is, "We don't think that is appropriate for you to have sex in high school/before marriage/[whatever your values are]. But if you do have sex, use effective contraception! We would rather help you with contraception to prevent pregnancy than help you deal with the consequences of an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy."

I agree with this--share your values about sex, but also make sure she has the information she needs if she makes other choices.

Also, remember that just having a boyfriend doesn't necessarily mean she will be sexually active, especially right away. So I wouldn't demonize the fact of her having a boyfriend. I would definitely keep the lines of communication open, because if she feels that you are supportive of her, generally speaking, she's more likely to value your advice and ideas.

My college roommate who wasn't allowed to date snuck out of her house every night. She had an abortion at 16, and seriously lost her mind in college.

OP here again. Thank you for your messages. Much appreciated.
Just talking about it has helped quite a bit to open up the communication channel with DS, but a long way to go.
No idea what the counselor is going to be able to do about it, but perhaps just talking may help everyone.

Anonymous wrote:I come from a background where no BF is allowed till college or later. How do you enforce this ?
DD already has a BF in high school and wants justification in this 'rule'. .we tell her she needs to
understand that 1) she may not make the right decisions at this stage.. 2) she needs to really focus on what she wants to
pursue in her life (e.g. becoming a Doc).

But DD thinks this BF thing .. she has it under 'control'. but we are very apprehensive.
We obviously do not want her to come home one day with some unexpected outcomes such as a pregnancy.

Have you dealt with this Have an appt with a counselor next week but not sure if that would help..........

That's why you make sure that she knows about your values AND also about using contraception to prevent pregnancy (and condoms to prevent the transmission of STIs). The message is, "We don't think that is appropriate for you to have sex in high school/before marriage/[whatever your values are]. But if you do have sex, use effective contraception! We would rather help you with contraception to prevent pregnancy than help you deal with the consequences of an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy."

You can't. My family rule was no dating until 16. I hid a bf at 15 for 6 months. My parents actually let me hang out with an adult male family friend rather than a guy my own age!