Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 18:28     Subject: Re:Is this really happening?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, no advice but my husband is like that too. He grew up with overbearing parents in a small house with no privacy. I admit I was a bit overbearing with him early on, which was spurred on by the difficulty in getting information from him. I really hate it and it hasn't changed much over the years even though I have completely backed off.

My dh's lies are about 80% lies by omission. There's never been a lie that has affected our lives - nothing affecting our "joint" finances, or as far as I know, cheating. I think his lies are a way of avoiding judgment and maintaining privacy.

A lot of times I don't even realize there was a lie until later when I put two and two together. To call him out on it (without him getting angry and defensive) I have to be my most non-confrontational self and act all nonchalant as I suss out the information, then I restate it, so that he knows that I know he lied. Then I get exactly the same bs as you do.

Even though it's all been trivial so far, I definitely keep my eyes open.


Bingo.


I am the PP upthread who mentioned a former work colleague. Yes, this above is what I am talking about. I see this as a form of passivr aggressiveness and it's annoying but fairly common I suspect.

PPs recommending divorce are way off base unless there is more going on here. If he "ruins you financially" that's a different story but OP did not say that.

I don't see why the divorce recommendation is offbase. Maybe OP doesn't want to be married to someone like this, I sure wouldn't, so why should she be?


Exactly.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 18:28     Subject: Is this really happening?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand. My DH lies about the dumbest things, and I just can't figure out what the hell he's thinking. It's over stuff I would never in a million years pick a fight over, but now, as they all add up, it makes me wonder why he feels the need to lie and they are taking on a life of their own. Big example that's happening now: I am a vegetarian. I couldn't care less if he eats meat or not, never pressured him, he just said years ago that he wanted to stop eating it because he didn't feel good. Last weekend, we're out of town at a hotel that included breakfast, and I literally watched as he hid a sausage patty under his eggs. And last night, he brought sandwiches home and told me it was tuna when it was turkey, plain as day and on the receipt. So why in the world does he think I give a crap?? I was taken off guard a few times where he's clearly hiding it, and now I'm prepared to ask him why he feels the need to lie about what he's eating. It's beyond strange to me. But also hurtful - he's choosing to lie to me over something so dumb, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter if it's over something dumb or not - he's choosing to lie to me.


You obviously care about it because you've even checked the receipts. He is hiding it from you because he doesn't want to deal with the judgmental bull crap he will get from you. Wives always say "I don't nag" and "it doesn't bother me" when the truth is you are obsessing over every bit of it.

Sounds like you are projecting onto the PP.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 18:26     Subject: Re:Is this really happening?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, no advice but my husband is like that too. He grew up with overbearing parents in a small house with no privacy. I admit I was a bit overbearing with him early on, which was spurred on by the difficulty in getting information from him. I really hate it and it hasn't changed much over the years even though I have completely backed off.

My dh's lies are about 80% lies by omission. There's never been a lie that has affected our lives - nothing affecting our "joint" finances, or as far as I know, cheating. I think his lies are a way of avoiding judgment and maintaining privacy.

A lot of times I don't even realize there was a lie until later when I put two and two together. To call him out on it (without him getting angry and defensive) I have to be my most non-confrontational self and act all nonchalant as I suss out the information, then I restate it, so that he knows that I know he lied. Then I get exactly the same bs as you do.

Even though it's all been trivial so far, I definitely keep my eyes open.


Bingo.


I am the PP upthread who mentioned a former work colleague. Yes, this above is what I am talking about. I see this as a form of passivr aggressiveness and it's annoying but fairly common I suspect.

PPs recommending divorce are way off base unless there is more going on here. If he "ruins you financially" that's a different story but OP did not say that.

I don't see why the divorce recommendation is offbase. Maybe OP doesn't want to be married to someone like this, I sure wouldn't, so why should she be?
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 18:25     Subject: Is this really happening?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I understand. My DH lies about the dumbest things, and I just can't figure out what the hell he's thinking. It's over stuff I would never in a million years pick a fight over, but now, as they all add up, it makes me wonder why he feels the need to lie and they are taking on a life of their own. Big example that's happening now: I am a vegetarian. I couldn't care less if he eats meat or not, never pressured him, he just said years ago that he wanted to stop eating it because he didn't feel good. Last weekend, we're out of town at a hotel that included breakfast, and I literally watched as he hid a sausage patty under his eggs. And last night, he brought sandwiches home and told me it was tuna when it was turkey, plain as day and on the receipt. So why in the world does he think I give a crap?? I was taken off guard a few times where he's clearly hiding it, and now I'm prepared to ask him why he feels the need to lie about what he's eating. It's beyond strange to me. But also hurtful - he's choosing to lie to me over something so dumb, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter if it's over something dumb or not - he's choosing to lie to me.


You obviously care about it because you've even checked the receipts. He is hiding it from you because he doesn't want to deal with the judgmental bull crap he will get from you. Wives always say "I don't nag" and "it doesn't bother me" when the truth is you are obsessing over every bit of it.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 18:22     Subject: Is this really happening?
I've worked with a few people like this. There are just some folks who compulsively lie at every step. Little lies. Big lies. It doesn't matter, they are completely unreliable and take advantage of the fact that people believe them. It is not a sign of cheating although that doesn't guarantee that he isn't. I'm not a psych expert but I've always wondered if compulsive lying is linked to narcissistic personality disorder. It's almost as if the lying is linked to an exaggerated sense of self importance. IMO, he will never change and OP needs to protect herself knowing that his words do not match his actions.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 18:14     Subject: Re:Is this really happening?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, no advice but my husband is like that too. He grew up with overbearing parents in a small house with no privacy. I admit I was a bit overbearing with him early on, which was spurred on by the difficulty in getting information from him. I really hate it and it hasn't changed much over the years even though I have completely backed off.

My dh's lies are about 80% lies by omission. There's never been a lie that has affected our lives - nothing affecting our "joint" finances, or as far as I know, cheating. I think his lies are a way of avoiding judgment and maintaining privacy.

A lot of times I don't even realize there was a lie until later when I put two and two together. To call him out on it (without him getting angry and defensive) I have to be my most non-confrontational self and act all nonchalant as I suss out the information, then I restate it, so that he knows that I know he lied. Then I get exactly the same bs as you do.

Even though it's all been trivial so far, I definitely keep my eyes open.


Bingo.


I am the PP upthread who mentioned a former work colleague. Yes, this above is what I am talking about. I see this as a form of passivr aggressiveness and it's annoying but fairly common I suspect.

PPs recommending divorce are way off base unless there is more going on here. If he "ruins you financially" that's a different story but OP did not say that.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 18:09     Subject: Re:Is this really happening?
Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, no advice but my husband is like that too. He grew up with overbearing parents in a small house with no privacy. I admit I was a bit overbearing with him early on, which was spurred on by the difficulty in getting information from him. I really hate it and it hasn't changed much over the years even though I have completely backed off.

My dh's lies are about 80% lies by omission. There's never been a lie that has affected our lives - nothing affecting our "joint" finances, or as far as I know, cheating. I think his lies are a way of avoiding judgment and maintaining privacy.

A lot of times I don't even realize there was a lie until later when I put two and two together. To call him out on it (without him getting angry and defensive) I have to be my most non-confrontational self and act all nonchalant as I suss out the information, then I restate it, so that he knows that I know he lied. Then I get exactly the same bs as you do.

Even though it's all been trivial so far, I definitely keep my eyes open.


Bingo.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 18:00     Subject: Is this really happening?
Anonymous wrote:I don't see why you need to know all these small details? I hate reporting every move I make to DH and I don't expect it in return?

A divorce people? Seriously? Even married people need room to breathe.


You have clearly never been married to a liar. I immediately got what OP was talking abut because I've been there. My ex lied about anything and everything- big things like money, little things like buying coffee, everything in between. I too stopped challenging him because he could never admit the lie- he said "I didn't say that" or "you misunderstood me" or "it was a joke." I too stopped believing anything he said. I just smiled and nodded and went and checked out anything important on my own to get the real story. But I lost all trust and respect for him, became physically repulsed by him, and then he financially ruined us with secret spending, so I finally divorced him.

I think you should leave, OP. It is such an incredible feeling to not be living in a shifting world all the time.Although divorcing and visitation with a liar is not easy either, it's a million times better for me and for the kids in the long run too, I think. Just remember that you are not crazy! Start writing a journal just to make your thoughts and reality concrete. Good luck!
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 17:47     Subject: Re:Is this really happening?
Hi OP, no advice but my husband is like that too. He grew up with overbearing parents in a small house with no privacy. I admit I was a bit overbearing with him early on, which was spurred on by the difficulty in getting information from him. I really hate it and it hasn't changed much over the years even though I have completely backed off.

My dh's lies are about 80% lies by omission. There's never been a lie that has affected our lives - nothing affecting our "joint" finances, or as far as I know, cheating. I think his lies are a way of avoiding judgment and maintaining privacy.

A lot of times I don't even realize there was a lie until later when I put two and two together. To call him out on it (without him getting angry and defensive) I have to be my most non-confrontational self and act all nonchalant as I suss out the information, then I restate it, so that he knows that I know he lied. Then I get exactly the same bs as you do.

Even though it's all been trivial so far, I definitely keep my eyes open.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 17:18     Subject: Is this really happening?
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I wish it did sound like my husband, but it doesn't at all.
That was just a quick example because it just happened.
When the train incident happened. he said he drives in all the time(instead of taking the train) and its really none of my business what he does. I said it becomes my business when we are short a car, and 3 people have to change plans to go get yours, make arrangements to pick you up later, and your car isn't even there.
He also said that I shouldn't worry about where his car is as long as he arrives home at the same time every night.
Its okay when he texts me 5 times in an hour to find out why I am not answering him.
Honestly, it is hard to even say these things because they are so ridiculous!


Wow, he sounds very selfish and anti social, while also being controlling. Have you considered getting couples counseling or therapy?
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 17:15     Subject: Is this really happening?
Also, when I asked him why I shouldn't worry about where he is. he said he never said that and I must have misunderstood him.
He also makes a huge deal about how he has to take the train in every day, and meanwhile he is driving in.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 17:11     Subject: Is this really happening?
Honestly, I wish it did sound like my husband, but it doesn't at all.
That was just a quick example because it just happened.
When the train incident happened. he said he drives in all the time(instead of taking the train) and its really none of my business what he does. I said it becomes my business when we are short a car, and 3 people have to change plans to go get yours, make arrangements to pick you up later, and your car isn't even there.
He also said that I shouldn't worry about where his car is as long as he arrives home at the same time every night.
Its okay when he texts me 5 times in an hour to find out why I am not answering him.
Honestly, it is hard to even say these things because they are so ridiculous!
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 17:03     Subject: Is this really happening?
Anonymous wrote:I recognize this behavior in a former colleague. Lying is too strong a word, and I disagree with PPs, this doesn't set off my cheating radar at all.

It is more like procrastination or mild delusion than intentional dishonesty. Or maybe passive aggressive at worst.

I am guessing that you or he, or both, are trying to make coffee at home to save money, and he feels a bit guilty about a daily starbucks habit? If so, I believe he is just procrastinating/passive aggressive about it, he is lazy to make coffee or maybe he likes the ritual of the starbucks run, but in some part of his mind, he is making coffee at home. This is his way of telling you that he doesn't want to make coffee at home, he wants to buy it at starbucks on his way in to work.

Does that ring true, OP? It's hard to say without knowing him but that's what it sounds like. I really don't see any premeditated dishonesty here which is more common when covering up an affair.


Adding: the vegetarian wife example up thread is a classic example of what i am talking about.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 17:01     Subject: Is this really happening?
I recognize this behavior in a former colleague. Lying is too strong a word, and I disagree with PPs, this doesn't set off my cheating radar at all.

It is more like procrastination or mild delusion than intentional dishonesty. Or maybe passive aggressive at worst.

I am guessing that you or he, or both, are trying to make coffee at home to save money, and he feels a bit guilty about a daily starbucks habit? If so, I believe he is just procrastinating/passive aggressive about it, he is lazy to make coffee or maybe he likes the ritual of the starbucks run, but in some part of his mind, he is making coffee at home. This is his way of telling you that he doesn't want to make coffee at home, he wants to buy it at starbucks on his way in to work.

Does that ring true, OP? It's hard to say without knowing him but that's what it sounds like. I really don't see any premeditated dishonesty here which is more common when covering up an affair.
Anonymous
Post 09/18/2015 16:56     Subject: Is this really happening?
When I asked him what on earth that meant, He actually said, he didn't get it on the way TO the train and that was what he thought I meant.
I said what difference does it make where you get it? Then he went into how I misunderstood him.

If you are going to lie about something so unimportant, how am I supposed to trust him when he keeps missing the train? Am I also supposed to go look for his car at the train station?