Anonymous wrote:My mom collects people too. My mom is a hoarder, but she hoards people. She hoards friends and acquaintances and single, low-functioning adult men she wants to save in a motherly way. It's exhausting.

We go to lunch with her and turns out it's not with just her, it's with her and three of her friends.

And yes I've had to hear all about Tessa, for years and guess I will never stop hearing about Tessa. Or Kerry.

Anyways, your situation is a little different because your mom is mean, but I will tell you this for when your child is a little older:

You have to throw your mom under the bus. I'm sort of exaggerating but what I mean is, you have to explain the problem, the unhealthy dynamic, whatever, that your mom has, to your kid. This is inoculating your kid to her comments both about you, and about your kid.

And you have to do it over and over; as your kid gets older and as the situation arises. You can start younger than you think. It doesn't mean your kid can't love your mom, it just means that you teach your kid to separate the healthy part from the unhealthy part.

Anyways, I've done it with my DH's dad, who is a functioning alcoholic and revers the stuff constantly in front of my kids. At one point he had different sizes of Johnny Walker out on the table--even some from the plane trip--set up like a family of those wooden Russian dolls. And the toasts! To the almighty grape…the best part about throwing them under the bus is that IF they try and get your kid alone to "infect" them, your kid won't be swayed. He tried to drive them somewhere and they came back and told me that he, not my DH, was behind the wheel and I took care of it.

And he is a lovely, lovely, person, otherwise and my kids love him--as do I.

It works, OP. You can't fix your mom's "sickness," but you can inoculate your kid against your mom's sickness.

This poster is SPOT ON. I've had to do this with my child re: my dad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same mother. She also adopts grandkids and tells me about them in excruciating detail, and then neglects her own ones.

I have a MIL who 'adopts' grandkids too!!! "Susie across the street eats just ANYTHING you put in front of her. She's such a delight. Billy listens to absolutely ANYTHING his parents say, he never disobeys! I just love babysitting for them. What should I get them for their birthdays???"

Meanwhile - she never visits her own grandkids, never babysits, and never remembers their birthdays. It's maddening.

If I wasn't an only child I'd think you were my sister.

Anonymous wrote:I have the same mother. She also adopts grandkids and tells me about them in excruciating detail, and then neglects her own ones.

Your moms sound like my dad. I dealt with this by moving a few thousand miles away.

My rule with grandparents and my son is to overlook anything that will not harm him. But harm is both physical and mental.

You may need to spell it out to your mom - she is not allowed to put you or your child down in front of the child. She can think whatever she wants in her head, but she will not say anything to your child.

Op here - 9:49 you are so right! I just started reading the link and its dead on! Thanks!

I feel kind of silly that I never thought of Narcissism-- I always assumed I was just never good enough.

Anonymous wrote:I have the same mother. She also adopts grandkids and tells me about them in excruciating detail, and then neglects her own ones.

I have a MIL who 'adopts' grandkids too!!! "Susie across the street eats just ANYTHING you put in front of her. She's such a delight. Billy listens to absolutely ANYTHING his parents say, he never disobeys! I just love babysitting for them. What should I get them for their birthdays???"

Meanwhile - she never visits her own grandkids, never babysits, and never remembers their birthdays. It's maddening.

Anonymous wrote:Op here - glad I'm not the only one! Sorry you all deal with this too.

I don't get it - my in laws are such great parents, so rah-rah with their kids. Always there for them. My parents are like "meh, disappointing -- only an A student doing reasonably well in life -- you could have been richer, thinner or prettier...then maybe we'd be happier." And "oh, you are in the hospital - maybe we can see you in 3 weeks - you know tennis season is just so busy for us." It's been swell...

seek therapy or a support group. The others are not the problem. They are mere distractions. This is between you and your parents.

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted to be petty, you could turn it back around on her -- "Well, maybe if I had Sally's mother's genes, I'd be thinner too." "Maybe if I'd had Molly's parents I would have met a hedge fund manager too." "It's too bad I didn't have parents to give me a trust fund like Sarah did."

I was going to say the same. Finding a 'mom' to adopt you could also work

My mom collects people too. My mom is a hoarder, but she hoards people. She hoards friends and acquaintances and single, low-functioning adult men she wants to save in a motherly way. It's exhausting.

We go to lunch with her and turns out it's not with just her, it's with her and three of her friends.

And yes I've had to hear all about Tessa, for years and guess I will never stop hearing about Tessa. Or Kerry.

Anyways, your situation is a little different because your mom is mean, but I will tell you this for when your child is a little older:

You have to throw your mom under the bus. I'm sort of exaggerating but what I mean is, you have to explain the problem, the unhealthy dynamic, whatever, that your mom has, to your kid. This is inoculating your kid to her comments both about you, and about your kid.

And you have to do it over and over; as your kid gets older and as the situation arises. You can start younger than you think. It doesn't mean your kid can't love your mom, it just means that you teach your kid to separate the healthy part from the unhealthy part.

Anyways, I've done it with my DH's dad, who is a functioning alcoholic and revers the stuff constantly in front of my kids. At one point he had different sizes of Johnny Walker out on the table--even some from the plane trip--set up like a family of those wooden Russian dolls. And the toasts! To the almighty grape…the best part about throwing them under the bus is that IF they try and get your kid alone to "infect" them, your kid won't be swayed. He tried to drive them somewhere and they came back and told me that he, not my DH, was behind the wheel and I took care of it.

And he is a lovely, lovely, person, otherwise and my kids love him--as do I.

It works, OP. You can't fix your mom's "sickness," but you can inoculate your kid against your mom's sickness.

OP, I have the same kind of mother. You have to stop defending yourself, stop assessing your life through her eyes, and stop doing anything whatsoever for her approval. Disengage from that sick dynamic of hers.

There's nothing wrong with you. You sound like you're doing great. She is the one with issues. It will help you if you try to detach, keep perspective, and talk to her less frequently. It's needlessly upsetting to you, and I can see why your husband thinks it's time to back away.

Take a look at this website. http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/mothers-with-narcissistic-personality-disorder/

It's especially important for you to work on this now, because it affects how you will parent.

You will also have to become your own mother to yourself--the kind of supportive, unconditionally loving mother you didn't have.

I'd state clearly that you don't like these comparisons and find them mean-spirited and unkind. And the second she compares your child to someone else in that manner, you leave. The room, the house, whatever. You don't have to cut her off or anything, but for sure I'd be backing away and not initiating a whole lot of contact. And just stand firm for your child. It's great that you've come to terms with it, but your kid shouldn't have to.

Anonymous wrote:If you wanted to be petty, you could turn it back around on her -- "Well, maybe if I had Sally's mother's genes, I'd be thinner too." "Maybe if I'd had Molly's parents I would have met a hedge fund manager too." "It's too bad I didn't have parents to give me a trust fund like Sarah did."

No, don't poke the wet cat. You can get a nasty infected scratch.

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell her you're going to cut her out of your life if she continues to compare you to other people. And then I'd do it.

Love,
A cold-hearted bitch

My in-law women (MIL, her sisters) all have eating disorders and are a little crazy. The second they say any !@#$ to my DD, we are out of that relationship. I already told DH and he thinks it won't happen. I'm not so sure.

The good news is that any children will probably be such a low priority for her that they won't be exposed to much.

Anonymous wrote:You've got a baby on the way - so at least your top priority here is crystal clear.

Yes, and I agree with your husband, OP.

She will do the same to your child, so this has to stop.