Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 18:31     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You have a DH problem. Not a SIL problem.


+1 This is more of a marital problem. If you and SIL disagree, who cares - but if you and DH disagree, it's a bigger deal.


+1000 Go away for a few days or at the very least, be unavailable due to "previous engagements/work commitments."

Let your DH entertain them by himself a few times; that should fix the problem.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 18:17     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
Anonymous wrote:Op here - I knew I'd incite a reaction among some people who are in the "family is family no matter what" camp. My question really isn't directly at those folks since we will always disagree.

I'm not interested in being treated poorly by someone who doesn't care about me at all, "family" notwithstanding. My own immediate family respects our privacy and boundaries, which ironically DH really appreciates during their visits.

We're all adults. I don't need to seek approval.


You are so right op. I wouldn't tolerate my dh "telling" me who would be staying in our house. It would bother me even more in this case because he know she's a problem and he won't stand up to her. He needs to act like an adult and protect his family. Will he be taking vacation while they are there or will they be free to snoop in your financials and underwear drawer?
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 17:24     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
Anonymous wrote:You have a DH problem. Not a SIL problem.


+1 This is more of a marital problem. If you and SIL disagree, who cares - but if you and DH disagree, it's a bigger deal.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 16:58     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
You have a DH problem. Not a SIL problem.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 13:07     Subject: Re:Out of towners......ugh.
Another vote for letting SIL stay, but go about your business as usual. You or DH could even let her know ahead of time that things will be busy and you won't have a lot of extra time (if you haven't already done so). As annoying as it may be to have her around, I don't think you staying in a hotel for the duration of her visit is a good idea. Sounds like there is already tension and that's just going to make things worse. Stock up on some wine, go about your business and delegate as much as you can to DH so that he is the one dealing with her.

Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 12:47     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
Anonymous wrote:My SIL is the queen bee of everyone in her life, i. e. senior position at work, micromanages her adult children, etc. My DH is her much younger brother and she sees him as her oldest child (he's 42....). She and my BIL visit periodically as DH and I have two DC's under 3. No matter what is happening in our professional and personal lives, SIL assumes they are staying at our house. She used to assume we'd do airport drop-off/pick ups and give them one of our cars to use, but that got nixed once the first DC was born. There is absolutely no financial reason they can't stay in a hotel. SIL stays with us to be "family like the old days" when she and DH were growing up. This is ironic since she and I have never gotten along and while I am not blameless overall, I've absolutely been the adult for the last 5 years and tried to make inroads with her to no effect. Also, my BIL is great and we get along really well, which I'm sure displeases her.

SIL knows that I don't like home visits but does not care. This upcoming visit will be particularly difficult for us due to professional and DC related issues and I begged DH please, just this once, make them get s hotel. DH flatly refused, stating that SIL would make the visit a nightmare for him and the rest of us. That she would take it as a personal insult. My mind was blown.

Now now, I know there are a variety of opinions here as far as house guests and expectations, but I can't understand the burning desire to be somewhere under circumstances which are very tough on the host. My own family does hotels and rental cars every time, no issue whatsoever. Do I just let this one go for DH's sake? Either way, she's coming and I can't stop her....,,


OP, there is no way a hotel would fly in my family. If I visited some relatives and stayed in a hotel, even if I REALLY preferred it, it would be an insult to them. (No, really, I would rather pay for a nice king size bed than sleep on your living room floor!!) And if I suggested that someone get a hotel, that would be a slap in the face. It's a cultural difference and you have to accept that asking them to stay in a hotel would be extremely mean, given their norms. This is part of what is so hard about blending families. How do you know that your SIL knows that you don't like home visits, out of curiosity?
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 10:16     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
Anonymous wrote:Do what you can and don't do what you can't reasonably do. If you can't pick up/drop off at the airport, JUST DON'T. If you can't provide a car, JUST DON'T. If you can't provide every meal, JUST DON'T.

Tell her up front, "Here's what I can do, and here's what I can't do." Then let her decide if she wants to visit/stay with you/stay in a hotel, whatever.


It really shouldn't be that hard for DH to say to his sister, "Hey, it's just not a good time."

That said, if he can't/won't, do what the PP suggested.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 09:27     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
Marriage is about compromise and over the years, DH and I have come to a happy medium about family visits, though I'd say I've moved more towards his view of wanting/allowing family to stay with us. My family will take a guest room in our house if there is one but otherwise is happy to stay in a hotel. My ILs, on the other hand, almost never pay for a hotel and will happily sleep on the floor rather than do so. It's just one difference of many in how we were raised and how our families do things.

(a) You don't like your SIL, that's clear. Sorry, but putting up with ILs is just part of being family. (b) I don't really understand why you wouldn't let her stay with you if there's room, as a general rule. If she's that God-awful, then you need to get your own hotel or have some alone time when she visits so she can spend time with her brother. She's his family. That's not going to change. If you live near the airport and you reasonably can pick her up, I don't see the big deal. If it would be a huge hassle, then say you're unable to. Expecting to use one of your cars seems unreasonable to me. (c) It seems like this is a particularly bad time to visit, so why is she visiting at all? Why don't you say, that week doesn't work for me, and then work on finding a better time for her to visit? Because as it is now, you're basically sighing and huffily saying, "FINE she can come visit, but only if she does X, Y, and Z." that make it clear she's not actually welcome.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 09:00     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
I think the fact that you don't like her is coloring this. I'd let her stay, and just be clear about what I could and could not do--i.e., no airport runs, no loaner car, and she'll eat whatever we eat at the mealtimes we normally eat at. When we have prior commitments, she can come along (where possible) or entertain herself. No need to be the hostess with the mostest. Tell your husband that you will be friendly and gracious, but you can't do x, y, and z because you have too much other stuff going on.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 07:11     Subject: Re:Out of towners......ugh.
I'd let her stay but wouldn't do anything or go out of my way.
Anonymous
Post 09/10/2015 00:26     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
I'd go stay in a hotel or get out of town woke she's there. Life is too short for dealing with rude people in your own home.
Anonymous
Post 09/09/2015 23:16     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
Just chiming in with my 2 cents-- SIL sounds like she expects a conceierge service! A room, a car, and food? I have no problem feeding out of town guests, but the other two--those things need to be worked out with you and DH AHEAD of time, and if it can't be worked out before the visit, then she doesn't visit.

BTW, she's the one telling you when she's coming, right? She doesn't ask you first? You should make a sign that says "Welcome to Hotel Lastname" and give her little shampoo bottles--but fill them with lotion and crisco instead
Anonymous
Post 09/09/2015 23:07     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
Just go about your business as usual. You can give a little to accommodate them but they lso have to give a little to accept that your regularly scheduled life goes on despite the fact they are visiting. Keep appts (maybe schedule a few extra!) maybe take one day off work to hang with them but go in as usual the others citing a big project, etc. Let DH handle some logistics too.
Anonymous
Post 09/09/2015 22:08     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
What are the professional and DC related issues that are making it particularly difficult this time? Where do you all stay when you visit her family?
Anonymous
Post 09/09/2015 21:35     Subject: Out of towners......ugh.
I genuinely think you should be away for at least a couple days during her visit. Go visit your family, go to a spa, wherever. Limit your time around her and let your husband be on first for all hosting tasks.