Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand it. I met my bf 3 years ago and we are 27 years old. He has not proposed yet even though he always says he will. I am always paranoid that he has not because he doesn't want to. He says he really wants to but he needs time to save for the ring. I also only met his parents 1 year after we dated. He would keep me away from his family because I am black and he says his mother is racist. We finally met and she was kind of a drunken mess and asked me awkward questions. Since then, she has tried to be nice and invites me over to their house and has offered to take me dress shopping with his sister for an upcoming wedding of his friend's that I am invited to.

Things seem like they're coming around...I just have this sinking feeling that something's off.

Am I being paranoid?

Do you feel your bf is being evasive about his family?

Hm not exactly. I think what makes me really uncomfortable is his relationship with his mother. Along with her extremely conservative/slightly racist /bigoted views, she's very overbearing with a tight leash on her children. My bf is 27 years old but she still treats him like he is in middle school. And for the most part, my bf is independent; he dates me and is going ahead full throttle despite her hesitations; but overall I sense that he wants to please her badly. Not in all or every thing, but in most things.it makes me feel really uncomfortable and as if he isn't his own person and like a clone of her or something. I want to feel like I'm with my man but sometimes when I'm around him I think of his mother!

She's also very dependent on him and is constantly texting and calling him. Sometimes I feel like he already has a girlfriend in her in a way. So I feel like I'm in competition with her and that I have to prove myself to her instead of proving to him that I'm a good woman. Haha does that make any sense?

Does he have any other siblings? Is she like this with her other children.

I have a fairly overbearing mother, but I beyond being polite and dealing with her occasional "I need xyz" I don't really take her that seriously. My other siblings moved far away before I was old enough to leave the house and only visit on occasion, so I got stuck with her almost by default.

You are three years into a relationship with someone. You are mid-twenties. He has not yet proposed and you clearly wish he would have by now. You are a mixed race couple. His family has a history of racist behavior but are working on that. He has a relationship with his mother that troubles you, though he seems to be working on it. You feel like you are in competition with the woman whom you want to be your mother in law. You feel the need to prove yourself to her. You feel the need to prove yourself to him!

This is not a "perfect" anything - family, man, relationship, etc...

Doesn't mean it might not be the permanent relationship for you, but you need to be clear-eyed about the challenges, and the time required to work some of these things through, and the patience and maturity it will take to do those things.

You are 27. You may feel ready for all of this but do not rush it. If it's meant to be you will figure it out (together). You have LOTS of time to live your life - don't make mistakes just because you were in a hurry.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand it. I met my bf 3 years ago and we are 27 years old. He has not proposed yet even though he always says he will. I am always paranoid that he has not because he doesn't want to. He says he really wants to but he needs time to save for the ring. I also only met his parents 1 year after we dated. He would keep me away from his family because I am black and he says his mother is racist. We finally met and she was kind of a drunken mess and asked me awkward questions. Since then, she has tried to be nice and invites me over to their house and has offered to take me dress shopping with his sister for an upcoming wedding of his friend's that I am invited to.

Things seem like they're coming around...I just have this sinking feeling that something's off.

Am I being paranoid?

Do you feel your bf is being evasive about his family?

Hm not exactly. I think what makes me really uncomfortable is his relationship with his mother. Along with her extremely conservative/slightly racist /bigoted views, she's very overbearing with a tight leash on her children. My bf is 27 years old but she still treats him like he is in middle school. And for the most part, my bf is independent; he dates me and is going ahead full throttle despite her hesitations; but overall I sense that he wants to please her badly. Not in all or every thing, but in most things.it makes me feel really uncomfortable and as if he isn't his own person and like a clone of her or something. I want to feel like I'm with my man but sometimes when I'm around him I think of his mother!

She's also very dependent on him and is constantly texting and calling him. Sometimes I feel like he already has a girlfriend in her in a way. So I feel like I'm in competition with her and that I have to prove myself to her instead of proving to him that I'm a good woman. Haha does that make any sense?

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand it. I met my bf 3 years ago and we are 27 years old. He has not proposed yet even though he always says he will. I am always paranoid that he has not because he doesn't want to. He says he really wants to but he needs time to save for the ring. I also only met his parents 1 year after we dated. He would keep me away from his family because I am black and he says his mother is racist. We finally met and she was kind of a drunken mess and asked me awkward questions. Since then, she has tried to be nice and invites me over to their house and has offered to take me dress shopping with his sister for an upcoming wedding of his friend's that I am invited to.

Things seem like they're coming around...I just have this sinking feeling that something's off.

Am I being paranoid?

Do you feel your bf is being evasive about his family?

Another vote for go with your gut .

My "perfect on paper but something isn't right " guy from way back when is now a woman. So yeah, there was something off between us. I never doubted the fact that dh is the one.

Listen to your gut. In high school I was dating a boy who was perfect on paper. My mother pushed it, his mother pushed it. He was going to Yale, going to be a lawyer. He spent a lot of money on me and did extravagant things. But I ... was losing my self, my own opinions. I couldn't make a decision to save my life - I just did whatever he suggested. Four months after going away to college, I broke up with him. He told me how I was making a huge mistake, that he was going to be an Ivy League lawyer. But I didn't feel good. About him, about us, about myself. I wound up marrying a lawyer after all. But one who didn't go to an Ivy, and yet is still the smartest man I know, and more importantly, the kindest man I know.

I am so glad I listened to that feeling that said this wasn't right.

Married 18 years. FYI you marry not just him, but his family.

He seems to have acted appropriately by putting you first over his mom etc.

However; you need to know that unless he cuts them off, you will be putting up with them forever. And if she's a drunken mess once, she will be again.

You need to figure out if he rescues her. Just figure out how they deal with each other. I'm concerned for you because he has kept it so secretive--he may just be trying not to lose you, but it doesn't give you enough data to figure out what's going on.

Whatever relationship they have, he will most likely continue. So if he rescues her (e.g. with money) or falls for guilt trips with her, that will continue. You need to figure this out. Same with the rest of his family.

You are projecting your insecurities onto the relationship. He has established you as permanent and primary to his relatives and they have responded accordingly. This is a major win for the relationship's stability. Relax about your place in his life in regards to your race. Now men are typically slow to get engaged usually because of money. It's not the ring's cost so much as the symbolism of financial security. This is his area of instability. He wonders if he can be a good provider. Even in today's society men often equate their worth in terms of employment and pay scale. Sit him down and tell him it's time to talk about your future. Do not make demands just see if your ideas and his mesh. You do not need to question his love just his timeline. Tell him you will work together to meet those financial goals.

Imagine having kids within this family. You'd be signing up for real issues there.

Maybe they've never really been around many black people? Some small towns and suburbs are almost totally white, and a person who's never been exposed to a person of color might think, "hey, this person is different from me" until they meet you and realize, "hey, we have these things in common." If you're the first black woman your boyfriend has dated, and especially if he's always had a type that is different from you (like blondes), they might just be adjusting to you being a different type than his other GFs.

so they sound like maybe they are trying to get to know you better because you are in his life? that's a good thing.

Now the rest of it... what does "perfect on paper" mean to you? You guys are still pretty young; a lot of people aren't ready to get engaged at 27, especially if they don't feel financially stable. I think you may have to choose between being engaged at 27 and keeping this guy.

Your love is so natural but he keeps saying he will propose and never does?
I think it would be tough to get involved with a family that you don't feel comfortable. Offering to take you dress shopping suggests a level of close interaction (I personally never went dress shopping with any in-law) is expected in this family and you don't feel comfortable.
I wouldn't marry someone if I felt it wasn't right. Imagine yourself a year from now, free and able to date anyone you want. Do you like that vision? If so, dump your BF. You are young. Plenty of time to meet someone. Ending a three year relationship is hard but if the thought of marriage gives you a sinking feeling, that is a BAD sign and you ignore it at your peril.

It sounds like you need to talk with him. Have you told him how you feel about the time that has passed and his deflecting about the ring? If your relationship is good, than maybe he doesn't want to make you feel bad, he just doesn't know that he is. That would be the first step. As far as his family, how involved are the two of you with them? Are you willing to let it be what it is and have good boundaries between your marriage and your in-laws? Does he make you feel bad about your race, or is he protecting you? Lots of questions that need answers. Mostly you need to be honest with him how you feel. Hugs!

Anonymous wrote:Your gut is important but I think before dumping him you might meet with a counselor and talk some of this out. I had similar feelings about DH early in our relationship, waited it out for a few months, and then realized we were perfect for one another. Couldn't be happier.

But that may not be the case for you, your gut may be onto something. Or you may have a lot of anxiety about various issues and talking it through could help you sort out if it's him or if it's something that's missing in the relationship.

I am a naturally anxious person and I do over analyze everything from all angles. The biggest stressor for me in this relationship is his family. Now that they know he is dating a black girl seriously, they have been nicer and are trying to be inclusive. I'm just still not comfortable and feel like I'm always being judged and I'm acutely aware of how I'm not "like them".

My relationship with him is wonderful, however. Our love is so natural but its the thought of marrying into his family that makes my heart sink.

Go with your gut instinct on this.

Trust it and run with it.

It is rarely if ever wrong. Esp. on affairs of the heart.

Anonymous wrote:Is your gut that he might not be the right one for you?

Or is it that he doesn't want to marry you?

You are young, but you don't want to waste too much time on one relationship during your prime dating years.

Are you ok with a small ring?

Maybe tell him that, you'd rather be engaged with a small one than wait for a larger one.

Small ring, big penis!!

Seriously, PP?