Anonymous
Post 09/02/2015 10:09     Subject: Re:MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
Anonymous wrote:The only thing you should consider is whether you think DH wants to know. For some reason someone felt the need to tell me my father had an affair. If my parents wanted me to know they would have told me, but they never did so it is a piece of information I never needed nor wanted to know. I would have been much happier living in ignorance.


OP here: This is kind of my thinking right now. It doesn't concern him and will only cause pain, so why tell? Ugh, this is so difficult.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2015 10:07     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for all the insight. MIL is staying with us until Sunday and I can't bear to be around her right now. I feel sick to my stomach with this information and am still very angry at MIL for putting me in this position. I am 8 months pregnant and don't need this kind of stress.

My fear is that if I tell DH, all of his siblings will find out as well (there are 3 others). I just can't imagine the fall out from this situation and dealing with all that two months before the baby is due. I still have not yet made up my mind about whether to tell DH but I am going to have a talk with MIL tonight about how much she has upset me.


Yes, OP. You need to talk to MIL and clear the air. Tell her that with a couple days reflection you simply cannot keep her secret from your husband and say that it's unfortunate that she told you something so personal and important because it's causing you significant stress so late in your pregnancy. Tell her that you expect her to discuss her news with your husband before she leaves your home on Sunday.


While I actually agree with this poster, I will say that you also need to leave room in all of this for the fact that no one online knows your MIL (and further, most on this board often do carry a bit of IL baggage that its hard not to project onto others' situations). You know if your MIL has manipulative tendencies or not. That might effect your tone and the "place" that you are coming from when talking to her.

If she isnt the manipulative sort, she might have just been really devastated or at her breaking point and just trusts or respects you enough as a person, not just as her DIL, that she unloaded on you.

Still makes it basically a terrible idea because no matter what you are still her DIL, but if you feel like this is the case I'd come from a place of more compassion than confrontation. Since while she did do this "to" you, it might not have been intentional.


OP here. She is not typically what I would call a manipulative person. She had been drinking more at our house than ever before, and seemed unlike herself so it was clear something was up. When DH went to bed one night she sort of broke down and told me, then hugged me and said that she hadn't told anyone and it was eating her up inside. I was of course shocked and asked her what she was planning to do. She said she loves him, forgives him and plans to stay. That's when she asked me not to tell DH. I agreed in the moment, caught off guard. Her reasoning was that DH shouldn't have to see his father in this light, as he's been nothing but a great Dad to him.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2015 09:59     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for all the insight. MIL is staying with us until Sunday and I can't bear to be around her right now. I feel sick to my stomach with this information and am still very angry at MIL for putting me in this position. I am 8 months pregnant and don't need this kind of stress.

My fear is that if I tell DH, all of his siblings will find out as well (there are 3 others). I just can't imagine the fall out from this situation and dealing with all that two months before the baby is due. I still have not yet made up my mind about whether to tell DH but I am going to have a talk with MIL tonight about how much she has upset me.


Yes, OP. You need to talk to MIL and clear the air. Tell her that with a couple days reflection you simply cannot keep her secret from your husband and say that it's unfortunate that she told you something so personal and important because it's causing you significant stress so late in your pregnancy. Tell her that you expect her to discuss her news with your husband before she leaves your home on Sunday.


While I actually agree with this poster, I will say that you also need to leave room in all of this for the fact that no one online knows your MIL (and further, most on this board often do carry a bit of IL baggage that its hard not to project onto others' situations). You know if your MIL has manipulative tendencies or not. That might effect your tone and the "place" that you are coming from when talking to her.

If she isnt the manipulative sort, she might have just been really devastated or at her breaking point and just trusts or respects you enough as a person, not just as her DIL, that she unloaded on you.

Still makes it basically a terrible idea because no matter what you are still her DIL, but if you feel like this is the case I'd come from a place of more compassion than confrontation. Since while she did do this "to" you, it might not have been intentional.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2015 09:42     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
Anonymous wrote:OP here,

Thank you for all the insight. MIL is staying with us until Sunday and I can't bear to be around her right now. I feel sick to my stomach with this information and am still very angry at MIL for putting me in this position. I am 8 months pregnant and don't need this kind of stress.

My fear is that if I tell DH, all of his siblings will find out as well (there are 3 others). I just can't imagine the fall out from this situation and dealing with all that two months before the baby is due. I still have not yet made up my mind about whether to tell DH but I am going to have a talk with MIL tonight about how much she has upset me.


Yes, OP. You need to talk to MIL and clear the air. Tell her that with a couple days reflection you simply cannot keep her secret from your husband and say that it's unfortunate that she told you something so personal and important because it's causing you significant stress so late in your pregnancy. Tell her that you expect her to discuss her news with your husband before she leaves your home on Sunday.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2015 09:37     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
OP here,

Thank you for all the insight. MIL is staying with us until Sunday and I can't bear to be around her right now. I feel sick to my stomach with this information and am still very angry at MIL for putting me in this position. I am 8 months pregnant and don't need this kind of stress.

My fear is that if I tell DH, all of his siblings will find out as well (there are 3 others). I just can't imagine the fall out from this situation and dealing with all that two months before the baby is due. I still have not yet made up my mind about whether to tell DH but I am going to have a talk with MIL tonight about how much she has upset me.
Anonymous
Post 09/02/2015 00:14     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
Had a similar situation and I told. It was a little different--FIL was in early stages of dementia (remembered things but just had weird bouts of judgement) and was telling basically a stranger about MIL affair really loudly right in front of me. I don't think FIL realized how loudly he was talking or that of course I would hear. I felt weird not mentioning it to my husband, so I did.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2015 22:23     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
OP, I have posted before and I repeat: Do not let that woman make you do her dirty work. If she wants FIL exposed, she needs to find the guts to do it.

This woman has put an activated grenade in your lap and the thing to do is to throw it far away and run. Do not even get caught up in telling her what to do, talk less of doing it for her.

No matter how close you are to your in laws, you are the outsider here and your head will roll. Focus on your own problems. This one ain't yours.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2015 22:14     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
Anonymous wrote:I'd wait until we were all seated at the dinner table and bring it up in front of everyone. I'm tired of secrets and I'm not keeping any of them anymore.


I am the pp whose husband cheated on her. I like your approach best and wish I'd had the balls to do something similar. Keeping my husband's cheating a secret was the worst thing I could do, and forever diminished my relationships with those I kept in the dark. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2015 21:35     Subject: Re:MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
DO NOT TELL. Your MIL didn't tell you your husband had an affair, he said his father did. And she said she's staying with him. What exactly is to be gained from telling your husband? It's pretty much none of his business at this point.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2015 21:11     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
Her marriage is messed up but don't let her mess up your marriage. It is entirely inappropriate to keep such a secret from your husband. Unbelievable that she would ask you do to so and put you in this position! Just tell her it is not possible for you to keep this secrets as there are no secrets in your marriage. As someone who has just suffered from marriage secrets she should understand.

My heart is with the person who said to bring it up at the dinner table. Seriously, coming from a family with secrets, I am SO TIRED of it and refuse to participate anymore.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2015 18:45     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
Anonymous wrote:Tell your MIL that you respect whatever decision she makes with regard to her marriage and that at some level your touched that she feels close enough to you that she can share something so personal, but that you simply cannot keep this from your husband. Your loyalty is to your marriage first and it would create problems in your marriage when/if your husband finds out one day and learns that you know all along. Offer her the choice of telling your husband herself or say that you will.


This. Not fair what she did to you. I bet she just wants you to tell your DH instead of her anyway.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2015 18:16     Subject: Re:MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
The only thing you should consider is whether you think DH wants to know. For some reason someone felt the need to tell me my father had an affair. If my parents wanted me to know they would have told me, but they never did so it is a piece of information I never needed nor wanted to know. I would have been much happier living in ignorance.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2015 18:04     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I would just tell him, since it's obvious she wants him to know, otherwise she would not have told you. She probably wants him to know without having to take responsibility for ratting out his own father to him. This is a bit manipulative on her part.


100% this is what I thought.


+1 million. Tell your husband about his father. Just because your MIL has decided to stay, it doesn't mean that her marriage will be smooth sailing. Your FIL could have other ideas about continued affairs and sooner or later your husband will notice the strain and would probably be devastated if you knew about it and kept it from him.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2015 18:04     Subject: MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
I'd wait until we were all seated at the dinner table and bring it up in front of everyone. I'm tired of secrets and I'm not keeping any of them anymore.
Anonymous
Post 09/01/2015 18:02     Subject: Re:MIL just confided in me that she caught FIL in cheating...
OMG who does NOT tell their. H this type of stuff.

I mean really... Your going to keep THAT secret from your H. He is an adult, not a teenager. Tell him.