Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 23:16     Subject: Re:Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
Of course there would be justifiable anger at an affair. But where is the anger about the years he treating her badly? That gets erased and she takes all the blame? The world is not so black and white. Affairs are often the symptom. OP you should worry a little less about losing your fun friend and worry a little more about your sister.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 22:59     Subject: Re:Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
Of course there would be justifiable anger at an affair. But where is the anger about the years he treating her badly? That gets erased and she takes all the blame? The world is not so black and white. Affairs are often the symptom. OP you should worry a little less about losing your fun friend and worry a little more about your sister.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 22:39     Subject: Re:Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
Anonymous wrote:You said he was a sh*t husband and he's been yelling and threatening? Yes, affairs are wrong but . . . he sounds terrible.

Gimme a break. If my DH did what OP's sister did, there damn sure would be some yelling on my part!!!
And I am mild mannered, but dayyuuuummm !!!
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 21:27     Subject: Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wanted to clarify the sh*t husband comment. He worked constantly, and was able to give my sister the home and life of her dreams. She didn't have to work and she had a team of nanny's, house keepers, etc. But he didn't really like being married (to her?) Maybe. He spent a lot of time checked out of their marriage, opting to not really give her any personal time, if we had something planned he was all for it. But if she asked for a date night, there was no way it was happening. I think had he been more involved in her, she might still be with him. But who knows. She also lost weight for the first time in her life and was getting a lot of attention from other men. I think she checked out a long time ago too. I wouldnt want to be married to him but as a friend, he was the best. And not threatening her personal safety just she's not gonna get any support from him, she's requesting $4200 per month to take care of the kids, and she can't have the new car or the house.


He sounds like a sh*t husband and your poor sister had to deal with the fact that even though her family knew he was a sh*t husband they thought "he was the best." Ugh! Your poor sister.

The OP's sister had an affair with her best friend's husband. She may not be the best object for your sympathy.


She shouldn't have had an affair but it sounds like a response to having a sh*t husband for years. Nothing lonelier than a lonely marriage. She has my sympathy.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 21:23     Subject: Re:Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
Anonymous wrote:You said he was a sh*t husband and he's been yelling and threatening? Yes, affairs are wrong but . . . he sounds terrible.


She also said he was her and her husbands best friend and they did everything together and her husband is missing him... there is some inconsistency in her story.

Also, if my wife left me for someone else like her sister did I might say a few threatening things as well....
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 18:03     Subject: Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
Anonymous wrote:Remind your sister that she created all this uncomfortable terrain that the entire family is trying to now navigate. You love her but she must respect your need to manage YOUR relationships, including the one with her soon to be ex-husband who has been a big part of your life for a decade. She needs to show a bit more understanding about what she is leaving in her wake.


+1.

I am divorced, and I have gone out of my way to maintain a relationship with my ex's parents and sister. My ex's dad said it best, right after we split up: "You may not be my daughter anymore, but you will always be DD's mom and therefore you will always be part of my family."
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 17:54     Subject: Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
We were in a similar situation. Sister had an affair and broke up the marriage; ex-BIL is a good guy who we enjoyed (but who also was a workaholic and semi-checked-out of the relationship). At first we made an effort to keep BIL in our circle of social friends, having him and the kids over a couple of times when it was his weekend to have them. We have a lot of sympathy for what happened to him and we like his company. Sister didn't make an issue of it, but it has become harder and harder to maintain when there were dragged-out arguments and legal wrangling over custody and child support. So the friendship is dying, which I am sad about. But that's the reality. Good luck to you.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 17:46     Subject: Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I wanted to clarify the sh*t husband comment. He worked constantly, and was able to give my sister the home and life of her dreams. She didn't have to work and she had a team of nanny's, house keepers, etc. But he didn't really like being married (to her?) Maybe. He spent a lot of time checked out of their marriage, opting to not really give her any personal time, if we had something planned he was all for it. But if she asked for a date night, there was no way it was happening. I think had he been more involved in her, she might still be with him. But who knows. She also lost weight for the first time in her life and was getting a lot of attention from other men. I think she checked out a long time ago too. I wouldnt want to be married to him but as a friend, he was the best. And not threatening her personal safety just she's not gonna get any support from him, she's requesting $4200 per month to take care of the kids, and she can't have the new car or the house.


He sounds like a sh*t husband and your poor sister had to deal with the fact that even though her family knew he was a sh*t husband they thought "he was the best." Ugh! Your poor sister.

The OP's sister had an affair with her best friend's husband. She may not be the best object for your sympathy.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 17:42     Subject: Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
There is a difference between remaining cordial and hanging out with him.
My brother left my SIL. I understand why he wanted to.
I am cordial with my SIL and exchange and email with her now and then, a note about my nephews, whatever. When I see her around I am friendly. I wish her well.
But I think it would be weird to be making plans with her and hanging out with her independent of my brother. I could see why my brother would not like that.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 14:54     Subject: Re:Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
Anonymous wrote:I think the only circumstance in which you would need to cut ex-BIL out of your life is if your sister was scared of him. I would set some ground rules-no trash talking of your sister around you, and I wouldn't lie to your sister about seeing BIL, but I would omit.


This. If there is abuse, then I think you absolutely have to side with the victim. But here, BIL is your friend, too. I think you tell your sister that you love her and want to support her, but you're not going to cut BIL out of your life. And set some ground rules--you don't invite him to "family" events, and you don't discuss your sister with him (and vice-versa). He's part of your family because he's the father of your nieces/nephews, so it's not like you can pretend he doesn't exist.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 12:34     Subject: Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
Anonymous wrote:I wanted to clarify the sh*t husband comment. He worked constantly, and was able to give my sister the home and life of her dreams. She didn't have to work and she had a team of nanny's, house keepers, etc. But he didn't really like being married (to her?) Maybe. He spent a lot of time checked out of their marriage, opting to not really give her any personal time, if we had something planned he was all for it. But if she asked for a date night, there was no way it was happening. I think had he been more involved in her, she might still be with him. But who knows. She also lost weight for the first time in her life and was getting a lot of attention from other men. I think she checked out a long time ago too. I wouldnt want to be married to him but as a friend, he was the best. And not threatening her personal safety just she's not gonna get any support from him, she's requesting $4200 per month to take care of the kids, and she can't have the new car or the house.


He sounds like a sh*t husband and your poor sister had to deal with the fact that even though her family knew he was a sh*t husband they thought "he was the best." Ugh! Your poor sister.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 12:11     Subject: Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
PP here. I missed OP clarification on the husbands behavior.

I would stay in polite contact and help the kids coping as much as possible.
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 12:08     Subject: Re:Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
Anonymous wrote:
He was a sh*t husband ... He was our best friend


For yourself, work on establishing and maintaining healthy relationships, not "etiquette"



Agree! How can you have him as a best friend if he wasn't nice to your sister? That seems very di
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 11:51     Subject: Re:Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
what an odd situation. First, as harsh as this is, you should remind your sister that if anything happened to her - she'd want exH to have a good relationship with you so that you can keep a relationship with the kids. Second, I think all the drama will pass after a while, but maybe it's too soon to hang with exBIL. at least wait until the papers are signed. Third, no matter what she did, she'll be entitled to $$ from her ex. As shitty as that is, if she was a SAHM, courts will recognize that he needs to pay
Anonymous
Post 08/31/2015 11:47     Subject: Divorce etiquette. What happens to former bil?
I would maintain the relationship for the kids sake. He may have been a shitty husband but your sister is a mess and probably contributed to it, not only did she cheat on her husband she betrayed a friend as well.