OP, sorry you are dealing with this. We went through it in the spring with DS, 13.5. We did get DS to see therapist 2x and we went for our own session. 2 books that helped - Helping Teens who Cut (download tonight on Kindle) and

Our DS is a thrill seeker so the extra exercise and extreme sports have helped get out that energy/stress whatever it was that made him cut. He has not been doing it this summer but I am worried about winter because it's hard to see it. We realize we may not know what caused it ever but are okay with that - we just want him to have other "better" coping choices.

A therapist friend also recommended an excellent book on the teen brain called " Brainstorm" Read that too and you will have a much better idea of what you may be dealing with. Good luck and take care of yourself - I gave myself panic attacks over this - it's not easy.

Check in her circle of friends. Cutting is a learned behavior. Our DD dabbled in this and when we sat her down she mentioned a few friends did it. When we cut off contact with those friends she was cured.

We also unfortunately went through a similar experience a few years ago with our teen and we learned the cutting was just a manifestation of underlying issues related to severe anxiety and depression which started in the early high school years (14-15). Weekly DBT for teens helped the most as well as a top notch child psychologist and various skilled therapists through the years. Agree that 23:08's advice is spot on. Sending well wishes and support to you and your daughter.

Thanks everybody, OP here. Daughter has started with a therapist who does some talk and then some DBT....and will be doing a more complete assessment. We aren't monitoring her in the shower anymore but we are trying to figure out a way with the help of the doc to keep her safe at home without being overbearing.
Thanks so much for all of the help. Seriously.

PP Advice is excellent and my comments are not meant to minimize. I have three friends who have discussed that their early teenage DD were cutters. They all were able to get treatment and be fine. It is not a result of how you have parented so do not question yourself. Get help and be concerned but just know that it is not uncommon and it also most likely will pass. Good Luck.

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the calming reactions! I have apologized for freaking out. However part of the reason I did freak out is that I have a cousin who is now 30 and has been cutting herself for like 17 years...she has been in the hospital, she still semi regularly gets deep wounds that have to be stitched or get infected...she has whole years where she is OK but i have seen how destroyed many aspects of her life are. I am scared that will be what happens to my daughter.

Of course you're scared for your daughter! That's totally understandable but you're going to get her help and she's going to be okay (although maybe not right away). Be a calming presence in her life and don't make this about your anxiety. You have every reason to be worried but if you let that take over she's going to have to spend more energy trying to take care of you when she needs to learn how to take care of herself.

I was a cutter when I was young (before I knew it was a thing) and got help. Many years later my kid turned out to be a cutter (but it was out in the culture then so less of a surprise). She did therapy for several years and at one point had to be hospitalized for depression but she got better and she's doing wonderfully today. This is just to let you know that you're doing the right thing in getting her a therapist but you may or may not have a long road ahead of you. Hopefully this will be resolved quickly but sometimes kids take a winding path out of their adolescent troubles. Hang in there. There is no reason to automatically assume that your daughter will take the same path as your cousin. Good luck, OP, you sound like a good mom!

OP, take a look at the resources available on the website for the Cornell Research Program on Self-injury and Recovery. Go to http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu/about-self-injury.htm

I found this site invaluable in guiding our family's response to my daughter's cutting. FWIW, she is now in a DBT program. Area DBT practitioners are really very experienced in dealing with cutters.

Good luck to you.

Anonymous wrote:She needs a solid behavioral health assessment by a psychologist. Some small amount of cutting is "normal" in our culture, amongst young women with depression, and very common for those with eating disorders.

All over her body shows a long term history, and I am concerned her problem indicates some early abuse, trauma, some potential for more severe mental health issues. I know this is disturbing to hear, but I say this in service of getting her to the direct route of support that might actually help her.

She needs to be given therapy by someone who specializes in working with teens, and ideally specializes in DBT.- not CBT. It's not covered by insurance, but this is your child's life.

Don't mess around with whomever is in-network and close to the house, the lady that talked to your friend's kid and was nice.... See someone with excellent credentials this week. If she says she is feeling suicidal, has a plan, admit her to the hospital. Harming herself in this way may qualify for a 5150- involuntary admission. This can backfire and make things worse, or it can be comforting to a child that's emotions are unmanageable. Use your best judgement, and err on the side of over-caution.

If she tells you something you find unbelievable that has happened to her, believe it.


www.metrodbt.com

-a therapist.

I have been through a similar situation with someone very close to me. This advice is spot on.

I am a former cutter and I think there is a lot of good advice here. Especially seeking CBT or DBT therapy first and foremost. Secondly, I wouldn't actually try to talk about the cutting so much, it is a symptom of a much deeper pain and I would start with talking about other areas of her life, school, friends, her athletic activities, start with totally nonsensitive items and work your way the ones that are causing her more pain. Obviously a therapist needs to do the therapy, not you, but I think it's important for you to develop this relationship with her since she seems to feel she can't share these things with you. While you say you are not creating a high pressure environment or things are not chaotic, her feelings may not be totally rooted in reality and she may feel differently and have problems with how things are at home and you may be able to help with that. Practice listening to her and accepting and validating her feelings even if you don't agree with what she's saying, brainstorm solutions with her. At the very least she'll feel like she has you to talk to.

I think it's important not to overreact, not supervise her in the shower not lecture her about cutting, because sometimes it can come from feelings of being out of control and powerlessness and that can exacerbate the problem. I also think lecturing is especially counterproductive because it really shuts down the conversation and just puts more shame and guilt on her (which she obviously already feels or she wouldn't be hiding it). I remember people trying to guilt or shame me into stopping, or make me promise i would stop, and sometimes I would really want to, but when my emotions were out of control that was the only tool in my shed and no amount of logic could fix my emotional problem.

After therapy I think talking and listening to her is the best thing that you can do. Beyond that there are a lot of things that have helped in my personal experience and are backed by research including: excersize, meditation, volunteer work, church & nature. I never found a good therapist when I was younger, but later in my 20's I found some good DBT workbooks on amazon that helped me to develop skills to deal with my emotions, so I also recommend those, but a therapist should probably advise on that.

First of all your reaction was completely normal and you seemed to have handled a terrible shock very well. Secondly, this is not your fault. You are not making her cut by being too distant, too close, too bossy, too this or that. It is possible that the whole family dynamic/school dynamic is too stressful for her right now or she could have other problems that need treatment. I wouldn't tell the school yet. See what the doctors say. I would call Children's Hospital Chief of Psychiatry and get several names for a psychiatrist. Let her visit two or three and choose the one she likes. She needs both psychiatrist and a therapist. Thinking of you. I have been through several similar things with daughters who are now all grown up and doing well. Take care of yourself!

OP, I would heed 23:08.

I remember a few girls in college who cut. One of them described as a way to externalize the pain she felt on the inside.

It seemed to be a phase that eventually passed.

My heart goes out to you, OP.

She needs a solid behavioral health assessment by a psychologist. Some small amount of cutting is "normal" in our culture, amongst young women with depression, and very common for those with eating disorders.

All over her body shows a long term history, and I am concerned her problem indicates some early abuse, trauma, some potential for more severe mental health issues. I know this is disturbing to hear, but I say this in service of getting her to the direct route of support that might actually help her.

She needs to be given therapy by someone who specializes in working with teens, and ideally specializes in DBT.- not CBT. It's not covered by insurance, but this is your child's life.

Don't mess around with whomever is in-network and close to the house, the lady that talked to your friend's kid and was nice.... See someone with excellent credentials this week. If she says she is feeling suicidal, has a plan, admit her to the hospital. Harming herself in this way may qualify for a 5150- involuntary admission. This can backfire and make things worse, or it can be comforting to a child that's emotions are unmanageable. Use your best judgement, and err on the side of over-caution.

If she tells you something you find unbelievable that has happened to her, believe it.

www.metrodbt.com

-a therapist.

Anonymous wrote:OP here--DD is pretty active. She does rock climbing a few times a week, plays casual rec soccer, goes to circus camp and loves playing around in open gym and on our backyard trampoline. We are also just not a high pressure household. DH and I are both low key and until now all three of our kids have also been that way. We have high expectations, but they aren't "get all As!" so much as they are "do your best in things that matter, and we will help you figure out what those things are."
But clearly we are doing something wrong. Or something is wrong somewhere.

You're not doing anything wrong. How is her friend circle - does she feel accepted by her peers, does she have a best friend (true one)? In todays world of social media, there can be a lot of peer pressure and casual bullying/unkindness. She's reaching out - there's something that's bothering her and you need to find out, but becareful how you go about it.

I second CBT and would add in a psych evaluation just to get an idea of what's going on, whether there's a diagnosis and/or potential treatment options. Sometimes it's just teenager behavior, sometimes it's not. My sister was a cutter for years when her depression and borderline personality disorder were going untreated. Borderline is tough to treat but what helped her was lots of CBT and she got really into martial arts, which she is practicing to this day in combo with yoga. She's 31 and has a masters degree and works in social work. Your DD will be OK, just try to be supportive, non-judgmental and a resource for her. But be firm in getting her better.