Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your daughter would tell us she has no life. I think your issue is that she is maturing. If she didn't do anything all day, why do you care about a shower? Does she want this black belt?

OP here.
I just spent a few hours researching teens/preteens and lying. The issue is more common that I thought!!
I agree her schedule is tight. I tried to cut down on some things, but she wants to continue with all she is doing. Yes, she most definitely wants the black belt!! She is always excited to go to martial arts. She has good friends there, the teacher is phenomenal and I love watching her. She really does love it. She often refers to them as her "martial arts family."

As for the part in bold.. she was making a card for her friend last night and it was getting late, so after I finished straightening out the kitchen, I said "ok, it's time to take a shower and go to bed." I told her to go first and I would let the dogs out in the yard for a few minutes and put them in crates for the night. She didn't have any objections, other than asked to finish the part she was drawing at the moment, which I let her. She went upstairs and a few minutes later she was "done."
It's not that I "cared" about her taking a shower last night. I said that because I want her to have it as a part of her daily routine, with occasional exceptions, which I mentioned earlier.
She is spending the day today with one of her friends from our old neighborhood and I will pick her up after dinner.
I hope she doesn't smell too bad

I might bring it up again tonight and tell her that although I would prefer she showered every day, it's ok to make an exception sometimes and she shouldn't feel like she has to lie about it. And that I really want to have this close relationship with her, but trust is a big part of it. And I will make sure to remind her that she is not expected to be perfect, so it's ok if she skips some things sometimes.

It's too late but I wouldn't even mention the lying. Ben to say she doesn't need to do it. (I'm the pp you quoted earlier whose daughter is in therapy for anxiety.) You might feel like you're giving her permission to bend the rules in an honest way, but I bet she sees it as you harping on the lying issue. What has worked for us is to remove the word lie from our vocabulary. I don't talk about trust except to say I trust her when she's shown she's trustworthy. Even small things, like if she feeds the cat. "I knew I could trust that you'd take care of the cat without a reminder." Things like that. Not what she needs to do to live up to my standards, but what she is doing that's awesome.

I used to feel like it was really important for her to be honest at all times and I'd call her put on those white lies. After I started ignoring them and showed her that I trust her and respect her opinion, she's becoming less likely to tell fibs like that. They were usually about things she felt I wanted her to do, but she didn't want to do, and it was easier for her to say she had done it. Brushing teeth, using acne medicine, showering, occasionally homework related fibs. She's much more likely to ask permission to skip the objectionable task than to skip it and lie about it now. It's not perfect, but it's much better. And it turned around really quickly-just a matter of weeks. Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your daughter would tell us she has no life. I think your issue is that she is maturing. If she didn't do anything all day, why do you care about a shower? Does she want this black belt?

OP here.
I just spent a few hours researching teens/preteens and lying. The issue is more common that I thought!!
I agree her schedule is tight. I tried to cut down on some things, but she wants to continue with all she is doing. Yes, she most definitely wants the black belt!! She is always excited to go to martial arts. She has good friends there, the teacher is phenomenal and I love watching her. She really does love it. She often refers to them as her "martial arts family."

As for the part in bold.. she was making a card for her friend last night and it was getting late, so after I finished straightening out the kitchen, I said "ok, it's time to take a shower and go to bed." I told her to go first and I would let the dogs out in the yard for a few minutes and put them in crates for the night. She didn't have any objections, other than asked to finish the part she was drawing at the moment, which I let her. She went upstairs and a few minutes later she was "done."
It's not that I "cared" about her taking a shower last night. I said that because I want her to have it as a part of her daily routine, with occasional exceptions, which I mentioned earlier.
She is spending the day today with one of her friends from our old neighborhood and I will pick her up after dinner.
I hope she doesn't smell too bad

I might bring it up again tonight and tell her that although I would prefer she showered every day, it's ok to make an exception sometimes and she shouldn't feel like she has to lie about it. And that I really want to have this close relationship with her, but trust is a big part of it. And I will make sure to remind her that she is not expected to be perfect, so it's ok if she skips some things sometimes.

Anonymous wrote:I think your daughter would tell us she has no life. I think your issue is that she is maturing. If she didn't do anything all day, why do you care about a shower? Does she want this black belt?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was interested in the title of the post but now I'm asking too - what's this about a work out schedule?

OP here. Read my response above.
And it's basically only push-ups, sit-ups and squats that they should strive to do every day or as often as they can.
It's not a big deal if they skip some and I never made a big deal out of it. That's why I was a little puzzled as to why she felt the need to lie about it. And especially that early in the morning. She could have done all (or some of it, or nothing at all) later during the day and she wouldn't have a consequence for not doing it if she chose not to.

The consequence is clear, OP. If she doesn't log it, she's held to task (at best, or shamed, even if that's not your intention). From what you've stated, I understand that the work out log may have been nothing more than the natural outgrowth from logging reading time when younger. You may want to remove it, now that you hear some posters' concern. She's growing into womanhood. You want her to care for her body from a place that is independent----entirely independent---from parental oversight.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was interested in the title of the post but now I'm asking too - what's this about a work out schedule?

OP here. Read my response above.
And it's basically only push-ups, sit-ups and squats that they should strive to do every day or as often as they can.
It's not a big deal if they skip some and I never made a big deal out of it. That's why I was a little puzzled as to why she felt the need to lie about it. And especially that early in the morning. She could have done all (or some of it, or nothing at all) later during the day and she wouldn't have a consequence for not doing it if she chose not to.

Anonymous wrote:You have a "daily log" and require that your 11 yr old work out?

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she's overscheduled.

Anonymous wrote:

She is only two belts away from being a black belt

She has a long way to go. Progression towards a black will slow considerably not that she is 2 away.

Op, I'm still uncomfortable with your workout log. I think you are getting push-back, in general. It's just showing up as lying about showers. Consider that your kid may be beginning to feel too "managed". Almost a teen and it could get worse.