Anonymous wrote:You're getting a load of compete and utter bs from PPs.

I'm in a similar unbalanced situation and have been through IF twice. I can tell you with 100% certainty that my normally totally hot to trot husband finds TTC to be just about the worst thing ever. If he knows I am only perusing him because "it's time," forget about it.

It's not you, it's TTC. And it's sucks. We had to go the ART route last time and we laugh that it was actually so much better because then could just have sex for fun, without pressure.

Thanks. I'm really hoping that's the deal, because I totally get that. I think next month I will not be the one trying to make it happen, I'll just let him know that it's that time, and let him do what he wants with that information. Will just try to be "on call" during that period of time and let him decide if and when.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed with pp. it's bc your ttc. Btdt.

Yes, because it shows your husband you could do it 3-4 times a week if you wanted to. But you don't want to except when there's some other reason - TTC. Makes him feel bad.

One one hand I sort of get this, but on the other hand, I have to RALLY my shit to be on point every other day for a week and a half, and HE is the one who wants to TTC right now. I am not opposed (we had much discussion, and I conceded), but I'm certainly not the one pushing for it, and if only I were calling the shots, we would be waiting or not doing it at all. But despite that, I am on board with what he wants and giving it my all. So I have a hard time accepting this, if it were true.

On the other hand, I totally recognize that TTC is tough even if you're 100% wanting it, and if it's just that it's a tough process in general, then okay. It's a tough process for me too. But one thing I never do is half-ass sex, so when I say I "rally", I really mean it - I get myself to a place of feeling really passionate about him, and give it my all. Nonetheless, every other day because we feel we need to can wear on both of us. I hope that's all it is.

Anonymous wrote:I found that sometimes, when you can't have something that's all you want. When you are able to have something, you realize you don't want it all the time. I dated guys who always dated women who never gave BJ. So when they started dating me, I need to give BJ as a part of foreplay to get me excited, in the beginning, they LOVED IT! Wanted BJ all.the.time. But once the novelty wore off and they knew they could have one whenever they wanted, suddenly they didn't want them as much.

OP here. This has occurred to me. Out of the possible scenarios, I don't mind this one too much.

I had problems with my husband when ttc as well.

Anonymous wrote:Agreed with pp. it's bc your ttc. Btdt.

Yes, because it shows your husband you could do it 3-4 times a week if you wanted to. But you don't want to except when there's some other reason - TTC. Makes him feel bad.

Agreed with pp. it's bc your ttc. Btdt.

You're getting a load of compete and utter bs from PPs.

I'm in a similar unbalanced situation and have been through IF twice. I can tell you with 100% certainty that my normally totally hot to trot husband finds TTC to be just about the worst thing ever. If he knows I am only perusing him because "it's time," forget about it.

It's not you, it's TTC. And it's sucks. We had to go the ART route last time and we laugh that it was actually so much better because then could just have sex for fun, without pressure.

Very common when TTC. Men don't like to perform on demand.

OP, I don't have much to add here, but I think you owe it to us to share your secrets to improving your libido! Please!!

I found that sometimes, when you can't have something that's all you want. When you are able to have something, you realize you don't want it all the time. I dated guys who always dated women who never gave BJ. So when they started dating me, I need to give BJ as a part of foreplay to get me excited, in the beginning, they LOVED IT! Wanted BJ all.the.time. But once the novelty wore off and they knew they could have one whenever they wanted, suddenly they didn't want them as much.

You rejected him for years. Maybe he found someone else to take the edge off. Think of it as outsourcing and relax.

I am going to take a shot at this - pure speculation and your situation might be totally different.

I am the higher drive DH married to a DW. We averaged 1x per week, sometimes less, sometimes more. When we did have sex, often it was just her taking one for the team. Needless to say, the constant rejection stung. Not so much that I couldn't appreciate I wanted more sex - that is really common for men - but that even when we did have it, it was often just for me. Resentment grew, creeping feelings that the marriage wasn't working, etc.

Sometimes, when my wife would initiate, and it was not because she was turned on, but because she wanted to placate me, I would turn her down. I know, dysfunctional dynamic, but it was a passive aggressive way of saying "screw you" for your pity.

So I wonder if all those years of rejection have eaten at him. Now you want sex, do you? Convenient that you want since it is for the purpose of making a baby. He is finally the one, for the first time, who can make you feel the sting of rejection.

Also, a funny thing happened on the way to our high drive - low drive marriage. I really lost some attraction to my DW. Both of us are conventionally attractive and in shape, so it wasn't either of our appearances. But rejection over the years makes someone unattractive. Plus, its ugly when someone who is supposed to be your sex partner is giving you pity sex.

We are climbing out of this funk, slowly, as she regains her libido post little kids. But I vividly remember the erosion of our marriage and the resentment of low drive spouses rejection.

Not sure what advice I can give you other than see if you can really rock his world when you have sex. Try fulfilling a fantasy you may have previously shrugged off. Show him you want sex with him because he is sexy, not because he has sperm.

Good luck,

I think the main thing I need to shake is the worry that I'm not as attractive to him (physically or otherwise) anymore, that the reasons have nothing to do with me. That can't be 100% confirmed either way, which is what makes it tough to shake off. If some attraction has dwindled, he might not even realize it himself or, if he did, I seriously doubt it's something he would share out loud. Insecurity...

Anonymous wrote:No new meds. No real alcohol increase, just a glass of whiskey several nights a week. A little weight gain a few years ago, but nothing new, and nothing that had adverse affect before now. He's healthy BMI and exercises regularly.

I understand why you feel insecure, but the best thing you can do is take a deep breath and move on. Most of us experience being turned down for sex in our relationships, and it doesn't mean your husband isn't into you anymore, it just means life is happening. It's new for you but probably not a sign of anything wrong in the relationship. Sounds like you guys have a healthy sex life (2x per week is nothing to scoff at for a married couple with a kid) and a good line of communication about it.

No new meds. No real alcohol increase, just a glass of whiskey several nights a week. A little weight gain a few years ago, but nothing new, and nothing that had adverse affect before now. He's healthy BMI and exercises regularly.