Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 12:35     Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:I'm not quite sure which forum to post this. Since it affects my relationship with my husband more than anything, I thought this might be the most appropriate. I apologize in advance if it isn't.

I originally titled this post, "How to be happy." But, that's not quite what is bothering me. I'm not happy because I am angry all the time. I'm angry that my husband doesn't help out as much as he should with the kids. I'm angry that my kids are constantly whining, crying, fighting, repeat. I'm angry that I can't talk about stupid shit that bothers me to my husband because he doesn't care/dismisses what is bothering me. I'm angry that a friend doesn't reply to emails - or asks me to do something and when I do she doesn't do her part. I'm angry that my family hasn't been around to help me with my small kids (they live close). I'm angry that I go to a good job, get paid well, but find it soul crushing yet am too risk averse to do try something different that I might actually like doing. I am angry that I don't have the time to dedicate to doing what I love doing. I'm angry that I grew up watching my disfunctional parents and my mom was a yeller and now I am a yeller. I'm angry at single people that want kids but have no idea how fucking hard they are and how easy their lives are at the moment. I am just fucking angry and I hate being angry. How do I let things go? How do I just be happy with what I have?


They say hurt people hurt.

I'll tell you from personal experience. Our anger is often misplaced. We take it out on people around us, but it could be about something completely different. I was very angry at my husband for every little thing, at my child, at life. I was constantly angry, abusive to my family, it almost ruined my marriage. It was so toxic. It was poisoning my whole life. I went to see a counselor. What I found out was that it was about my childhood (a very dysfunctional family, negligence, emotional wounds), old wounds that didn't heal. Once I got to the bottom of it and let it all out I felt a huge relief. It was like carrying an emotional brick around my neck and then letting it go. I sometimes get angry, but it's not that kind of angry. That constant poisonous anger is gone.


dancingsunflowers06
Post 08/27/2015 12:20     Subject: Re:How not to be an angry person
It's great that you recognize this. I am a firm believer that you can be happy - but there is a difference between being happy and finding joy. Life isn't easy, but if you can find joy in the mundane or even see the positive in a sucky situation, it will change your perspective over time and hopefully decrease your anger overall. It really takes effort, so therapy is great because they keep you accountable to working on it. Therapy and meds get a bad rap, but alot of people have been through some tough stuff in life and it needs to be worked through in order to get past it and move forward in a way that is 'finding your true self.' It doesn't mean you'll need therapy forever, but it can help get you through a bump in the road and onto better things. Hang in there!
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 10:26     Subject: How not to be an angry person
"There are people who naturally are natural optimists but the rest of us can learn how to be."

THIS. I did some great therapy when I was younger and really changed my perspective on life. I'll still sometimes slip into reading something negatively, especially during PMS week, but am much better able to call myself out on it and change my view.

That, plus eating well, getting an excellent amount of sleep, exercising at least 5 days a week, and doing things that make me happy all contribute to a great sense of well-being.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 10:15     Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like you have lost yourself. Your life is no longer yours, it belongs to other people. Of course that's how it is for a while with young kids, but it still critical to a persons mental well being to have something of their own.

I believe it is possible to change your personality. I did it years ago when I saw myself having anger issues. It reminded me of my father and I HATED how he was. When I consciously decided to change and take real steps towards achieving that, is when it happened. I found a therapist and went to her diligently for 6 years. I came out a new person. It will only work if you want it to work. To me, you acknowledging your issue is the first and sometimes hardest step towards mental well being.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but I have confidence that you can and will make this change!


+1. I do believe you can change your personality. If you're a reader, try reading Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. It's about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy but I don't think it should be a substitute for therapy. THe whole gist of the book, though, is that you can choose how to react to the world. There are people who naturally are natural optimists but the rest of us can learn how to be. I don't necessarily use the techniques in the book specifically but the message that I can change how I react to things really stays with me.

Also, now that your kids are sleeping, I highly recommend morning exercise as a way to improve your mood. I just started doing it about a year ago (and it was rough, I hate getting out of bed) but it's made a big difference in my mood. On the days that I run in the morning, I feel almost high sometimes, that's how great it is. Plus it's taking some time JUST FOR ME which in and of itself is helpful. It sounds like you need to do some things just for you to make you happy because you feel drained by your responsibilities.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 10:08     Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I hope you understand the reason your DH doesn't want to talk to you as much is it's exhausting being on the receiving end of constant venting and negativity. Cut him some slack.


I understand your point. Unfortunately for me, I don't think he cares about the things that make me happy either.


With all due respect, it doesn't sound like anything makes you happy.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 10:02     Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:Anger actually is a symptom of depression in a lot of people. I'd talk to a therapist and an anti depressant may really help.


This. OP you sound like me-- before I found therapy and drugs. Irritability is a key sign of depression. It sounds crazy, but it's true.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 10:02     Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thank you all again for your helpful responses. I was expecting a lot of negativity (it's DCUM afterall), but have been surprised at how much support you've all shared so far. Truly thank you.


You're welcome.

I'm the PP who recommended a sick day to rest, and I meant to add that there was a time not long ago that I found myself just on edge and not happy for no good reason. I ended up going to therapy because an extended family crisis happened and I couldn't handle how I was feeling and that at the same time. It was a godsend, truly, the therapy. I did cognitive behavioral therapy for probably six months, weekly at first then bi-weekly. That anger and unease can be related to anxiety and perfectionism. Adjusting to life with lithe kids can throw people wired like us for a loop. Parenting and perfectionism don't go together very well!

Therapy can have a time and monetary cost, but it was well worth it for me. I hope it is for you. I recognize a lot of me in what you wrote.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 09:50     Subject: How not to be an angry person
OP again. Thank you all again for your helpful responses. I was expecting a lot of negativity (it's DCUM afterall), but have been surprised at how much support you've all shared so far. Truly thank you.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 09:49     Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like you have lost yourself. Your life is no longer yours, it belongs to other people. Of course that's how it is for a while with young kids, but it still critical to a persons mental well being to have something of their own.

I believe it is possible to change your personality. I did it years ago when I saw myself having anger issues. It reminded me of my father and I HATED how he was. When I consciously decided to change and take real steps towards achieving that, is when it happened. I found a therapist and went to her diligently for 6 years. I came out a new person. It will only work if you want it to work. To me, you acknowledging your issue is the first and sometimes hardest step towards mental well being.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but I have confidence that you can and will make this change!


OP here. Thank you so much for this response. It gives me a little hope. I've started researching counselors - both for individual therapy and for couple's counseling. I really want to change. Would you mind sharing the therapist you used? Did you use a counselor or psychologist? I've had trouble finding someone that I find easy to talk to and that gives me concrete steps to take. Just talking is refreshing but not that helpful.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 09:47     Subject: How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:I hope you understand the reason your DH doesn't want to talk to you as much is it's exhausting being on the receiving end of constant venting and negativity. Cut him some slack.


I understand your point. Unfortunately for me, I don't think he cares about the things that make me happy either.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 09:46     Subject: Re:How not to be an angry person
Anonymous wrote:Op are you at all religious? Serious question


I am not religious. I sometimes wish I was.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 08:49     Subject: Re:How not to be an angry person
Op are you at all religious? Serious question
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 08:47     Subject: How not to be an angry person
Schedule a physical or your OB apt, then take that whole day off. Take yourself out to lunch and take a nap. Breathe. Give yourself some space to just be.

Talk with DH about how roger you more sleep.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 08:26     Subject: How not to be an angry person
I hope you understand the reason your DH doesn't want to talk to you as much is it's exhausting being on the receiving end of constant venting and negativity. Cut him some slack.
Anonymous
Post 08/27/2015 08:24     Subject: How not to be an angry person
It sounds to me like you have lost yourself. Your life is no longer yours, it belongs to other people. Of course that's how it is for a while with young kids, but it still critical to a persons mental well being to have something of their own.

I believe it is possible to change your personality. I did it years ago when I saw myself having anger issues. It reminded me of my father and I HATED how he was. When I consciously decided to change and take real steps towards achieving that, is when it happened. I found a therapist and went to her diligently for 6 years. I came out a new person. It will only work if you want it to work. To me, you acknowledging your issue is the first and sometimes hardest step towards mental well being.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but I have confidence that you can and will make this change!