I would have zero trouble telling my mother, "I have over and over and over reminded my ungrateful child to send thank you notes. She apparently chooses not to, therefore I suggest you stop sending gifts that go unappreciated. "

Natural consequences.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mother complains all the time that she never gets a thank you note from my daughter for gifts and cards. I have asked my DD over and over to at least just send a small email. She pushes back and just won't do it. I don't understand why and I no longer know how to handle it. [b]My mother seems resentful that she goes to the effort to gave a relationship with my daughter and it seems to go nowhere.[/b]
My mother and my wife have - and this is an understatement - a strained relationship that is, unfortunately, 99.9 percent my wife's fault. As a result, trying to be together as a family is difficult.

Any help or suggestions appreciated.[/quote]

I have realized that my DD - now 13 really doesn't care about "stuff" so she doesn't appreciate all the trouble/thoughtfulness people have gone through to give her a gift.
What DD loves most is an event with that person - bowling, theater show, dinner at a special restaurant etc...
Perhaps your mother is trying to foster a relationship the wrong way. ??

THere is a book - Five Love Languages... [/quote]

Seriously? A sixteen year old is perfectly capable of thanking someone for a gift, whether she likes it or not. The suggestion that grandma should get better gifts if she doesn't like not being properly thanked is ludicrous.[/quote]

[b]I don't know about your family, but my family wants to give gift that my DD will like. They live 2500 miles and don't know their specific interests so they always ask what they would like for their birthday, CHristmas etc..[/b][/quote]

That has absolutely nothing to do with whether your daughter should write a thank-you note. Even if the gift isn't exactly what she wanted, it's only polite to acknowledge that someone who loves you made an effort to do something nice for you. If the gifts aren't meshing, then you can, at another time, express that what you want most is time with your grandmother, and you'd love to go bowling or see a play or have dinner together.

Do you write thank you notes for gifts? Role modeling that good behavior could help here...

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mother complains all the time that she never gets a thank you note from my daughter for gifts and cards. I have asked my DD over and over to at least just send a small email. She pushes back and just won't do it. I don't understand why and I no longer know how to handle it. [b]My mother seems resentful that she goes to the effort to gave a relationship with my daughter and it seems to go nowhere.[/b]
My mother and my wife have - and this is an understatement - a strained relationship that is, unfortunately, 99.9 percent my wife's fault. As a result, trying to be together as a family is difficult.

Any help or suggestions appreciated.[/quote]

I have realized that my DD - now 13 really doesn't care about "stuff" so she doesn't appreciate all the trouble/thoughtfulness people have gone through to give her a gift.
What DD loves most is an event with that person - bowling, theater show, dinner at a special restaurant etc...
Perhaps your mother is trying to foster a relationship the wrong way. ??

THere is a book - Five Love Languages... [/quote]

Seriously? A sixteen year old is perfectly capable of thanking someone for a gift, whether she likes it or not. The suggestion that grandma should get better gifts if she doesn't like not being properly thanked is ludicrous.[/quote]

I don't know about your family, but my family wants to give gift that my DD will like. They live 2500 miles and don't know their specific interests so they always ask what they would like for their birthday, CHristmas etc..

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she doesn't get to keep the gift until she has properly thanked the giver. for gifts. a card doesn't need a thank you, though if it's actual correspondence, not writing back is rude.

What if the kid doesn't really like the gift?

Then you don't get any gift until the note for the last one is done.

My DD is only 12, but I do not let her play with or use any gift until the thank you note is done. If it's not done within three days I start taking away things she has. Like her PHONE.

Sixteen is old enough for grandma to discuss this with the granddaughter directly.

Your wife may be no gem (I can't say one way or the other), but your prose suggests that she isn't solely responsible for the toxic situation. Most likely, there is a bit of a mamas boy in you.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mother complains all the time that she never gets a thank you note from my daughter for gifts and cards. I have asked my DD over and over to at least just send a small email. She pushes back and just won't do it. I don't understand why and I no longer know how to handle it. [b]My mother seems resentful that she goes to the effort to gave a relationship with my daughter and it seems to go nowhere.[/b]
My mother and my wife have - and this is an understatement - a strained relationship that is, unfortunately, 99.9 percent my wife's fault. As a result, trying to be together as a family is difficult.

Any help or suggestions appreciated.[/quote]

I have realized that my DD - now 13 really doesn't care about "stuff" so she doesn't appreciate all the trouble/thoughtfulness people have gone through to give her a gift.
What DD loves most is an event with that person - bowling, theater show, dinner at a special restaurant etc...
Perhaps your mother is trying to foster a relationship the wrong way. ??

THere is a book - Five Love Languages... [/quote]

Seriously? A sixteen year old is perfectly capable of thanking someone for a gift, whether she likes it or not. The suggestion that grandma should get better gifts if she doesn't like not being properly thanked is ludicrous.