Just send your two oldest kids. Done.

Just to make a point though, I would NEVER share a rental house with extended family that way. We'd get our own hotel suite or whatever, and spend most of the day at the pool with family, then going for a walk with other family, then working out with yet more family, etc. So just because you have separate living areas doesn't mean you only spend an hour or two with the other people.

You're right, it is long. I do not, and will never, understand intelligent adults who cannot stand up for themselves and say NO.

You and your SIL need to grow some balls.

I don't understand why resort lady's husband gets to be so pushy when she is the breadwinner. I would have shut this shit down a decade ago. Time to pull the plug. I did an inter generational family vacation once, never again.

Anonymous wrote:Why can't your family use one of the houses owned by MIL or FIL but the adults (not FIL or MIL who are sick) would be in charge of food/cooking/cleaning?

I wish we could! It's a strange thing, my MIL has a history of seizures for the past decade or so. She is on anti-seizure medication, but her doctor gave her permission to go off of it this spring. Well, apparently the stress of hosting all of us at her home caused her to have an episode, and because of that she can never host anyone in her home ever again. (This is according to my SIL, her daughter). Even if DH and I agreed to do ALL the shopping, cooking and cleaning, she would still feel the stress of hosting because it is *her* house. So that is off the table. I am a bit incredulous about it, but that's what's been decided.

See if Thanksgiving can be at the MIL/FIL house, but everyone does the work. One day off for everyone and summer vacation saved for everyone, including money.

Anonymous wrote:Family dynamics change. trying to organize a multigenerational gathering across country during a specific vacation time is a daunting task.

Agree with PP that you need to state very soon that this just won't work out for your family. Get your DH involved and make him communicate this.

I'm local, with local ILs, parents and siblings and have been married a bit longer than you, OP. I know how tough it is to navigate Thanksgiving! Insane how "traditions" start and then turn into an increasingly elaborate productions with every year. Stop the insanity. We stopped going en masse to the beach because annually, another expectation was raised and it got to be too much.

I think your SIL will be relieved. If she's like I am, she just wants a vacation, NOT a reunion.

DH is our family spokesperson for sure. I am done trying to navigate the insane passive aggressive nature of the women in this family. I think she would be so happy and relieved if the trip didn't happen. However, her husband (my BIL) would not be. And I think that is a major part of the problem. He (BIL) just will not let it go. When they were growing up, all the grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins were local. They have many fond memories of spending time with their cousins as kids and I admire and appreciate the desire to keep the family close. But this trip has just become more and more of a nightmare as time has gone on. There are too many competing needs and desires to make it anything else. I suggested taking turns planning instead (with a dollar limit) so that we would each get to take a trip to someplace we would want to go one year out of three and to save all this back and forth, and you'd think I had suggested drowning some kittens in the bathtub or something.

Anonymous wrote:I'm with the SIL. The whole thing sounds like a pain in the ass. An annual trip that requires me to be in close quarters with 16 of my in-laws does not sound relaxing or fun, even if they are a nice group of people. Your SIL needs some space to breathe and this is her way of ensuring that she gets it. I agree with you that trying to force everyone to stay at an expensive resort near her home is not really fair and it's too expensive for you but it's also not fair to have to spend every single day of your vacation time with the same group of people.

OP here. Exactly, I completely agree with her! Which is why we have suggested taking a break for a year for pretty much the past 5 years. It is my BIL (my DH's brother, husband of resort lady) who is often the ringleader in insisting that the trip happen come hell or high water. This may be a source of tension between him and his wife, I don't know. But she's not really in a position where she can say to all of us as a group "hey, I really don't want to spend time with you all this year," just as I am not in a position to say anything like that. So my husband again suggested that we take a year off (in addition to some other potential solutions to the vacation time issue), and that was not acknowledged as a possible outcome. It's like she has latched on to this resort thing as the only possible thing that will satisfy everyone, except it doesn't.

his family

Your husband should go. If there is "obligation" (which there never is actually, by the way. But if you insist there is "obligation", it is HIS obligation)
If you could afford it, I'd say next - - take the kids. Or have in your minds that what feels right is every other year. Whatever. The important point
is just because someone else wants something, you don't have to oblige. Just don't you make a sink about this. Make a decision, stand by the decision
and don't add drama

Family dynamics change. trying to organize a multigenerational gathering across country during a specific vacation time is a daunting task.

Agree with PP that you need to state very soon that this just won't work out for your family. Get your DH involved and make him communicate this.

I'm local, with local ILs, parents and siblings and have been married a bit longer than you, OP. I know how tough it is to navigate Thanksgiving! Insane how "traditions" start and then turn into an increasingly elaborate productions with every year. Stop the insanity. We stopped going en masse to the beach because annually, another expectation was raised and it got to be too much.

I think your SIL will be relieved. If she's like I am, she just wants a vacation, NOT a reunion.

I'm with the SIL. The whole thing sounds like a pain in the ass. An annual trip that requires me to be in close quarters with 16 of my in-laws does not sound relaxing or fun, even if they are a nice group of people. Your SIL needs some space to breathe and this is her way of ensuring that she gets it. I agree with you that trying to force everyone to stay at an expensive resort near her home is not really fair and it's too expensive for you but it's also not fair to have to spend every single day of your vacation time with the same group of people.

I completely understand your SIL up until the point where she is insisting it be a resort only a couple hours from her but an expensive cross country flight for everyone else. Kinda fees like she isnt comprimising at all when she wont budge on resort or location.
I think you should let them know you would love to attend but financially the logistics of it being at a resort in SD puts the trip entirely out of your price range. Offer a few alternatives and then they can choose to have the trip in SD without you or try to find a compromise. You arent just refusing to go, you are being honest about your financial reality and trying to find a solution.

I'd have your DH talk to his siblings and parents about what works for them AND you all. Your DH needs to be adamant that spending $15k isn't an option, so if the family would like you all to attend, the gathering needs to be changed. If it's his sister (or his brother's wife) who is pushing the resort, that is HIS problem (or his brother's) but it is not your problem. Everyone in the family needs to know that.

Your DH needs to work his family. If he won't, then you don't go.

Some families can create a stink no matter what. In this case, you just have to know that you did your best to accommodate your needs and theirs, and it didn't work out. Yes, it's a disappointment to your kids, but there's always next year.

I would call SIL and ask her if she is sick of this whole set up (which is sounds like she is). Then I would, with SIL, "suggest" a new tradition of doing this every other year. Team up/united front. I suspect everyone probably feels a bit like you do.

Why can't your family use one of the houses owned by MIL or FIL but the adults (not FIL or MIL who are sick) would be in charge of food/cooking/cleaning?