Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound very selfish-like you just want to buy a baby and run. Open adoptions are better for the child even it it is not better for you. You should just get a puppy who likely will not care about their roots!

Harsh and uncalled for. Closed adoptions can be as good (and sometimes better) than open- DEPENDING ON THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

Adoptions Together is a good agency and the social workers will talk to you about the range of options on the scale between a fully open and fully closed adoption. Most birthmothers prefer open these days, so if you choose closed your wait will be longer. However I don't think that AT would reject a prospective adoptive family simply because they prefer a closed adoption; intsead, I think they'd simply advise you of the likely wait.

OP, you sound very selfish-like you just want to buy a baby and run. Open adoptions are better for the child even it it is not better for you. You should just get a puppy who likely will not care about their roots!

The issue is the actual birthparents and I would not make a full decision without knowing them. Our child's birth mom and her family are amazing. They are clear we are the parents and they are very supportive. Her parents come visit us in our home (stay with us) and its great as they will babysit and help around the house (more than our parents). I just consider them my inlaws and regardless of our child, they'd do anything for me/us (and have come into town to help when we needed it). Birthfather and his family - they are horrible people. We allowed visits early on and then they did some terrible stuff to us and birth mom. Luckily they cut off contact (and deny our child is their biological child) so its a non-issue but we'd never encourage our child to have a relationship with them (and have proof why).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for all the responses. I would never hide the fact of adoption and -- assuming we know the identity and have the ok from birth mother -- would be 100% fine with the child meeting his/her birth parent as an older teenager. That would seem a cruel denial! I just don't want it to be part of everyday life.

Are there any recommendations for agencies?

What I mean is, though, it might not be just a one-time meeting as an older teenager. It might be an ongoing relationship with birth parents and siblings that is part of your child's life, maybe not every day but on a monthly or annual basis, for a long long time. You need to understand that there is a whole birth family out there, and ultimately it is them and the child, not you, who will determine how much contact happens in the late teens and adulthood.

And even if it is initially closed, either your child or the birth parents may request meetings earlier than when your child reaches 18 (or whenever they are allowed to request information). Years ago dear friends of ours adopted a child in a closed adoption (birth parents requested closed -- I don't know whether friends cared either way). After a few years the birth parents sent a letter to the agency requesting a meeting. Our friends were very conflicted but ultimately decided that their child should know the birth parents (and what would their child think later if he/she found out that this request had been denied). They weren't sure of the birth parents' intentions and set up a meeting in a place of business and invited friends to help their child be more comfortable. I was there and it was very nerve wracking for my friends but also heartwarming. It all worked out fine and there were subsequent meetings and communication. Of course, the child knows who his parents are -- the ones who are raising him, if that is what op is worried about. I moved away and so did my friends and I don't know the level of contact the birth parents have today (and I apologize if I am offending anyone by using the wrong term). But the point is that things can change from the original agreement.

Anonymous wrote:I am originally from DC, but live on the West Coast now... It seems that open adoptions are all the rage. And I just don't think that it would work for my family. I truly don't think I want the birth mother involved in my child's life forever and ever. Should they meet at some point? Sure and the fact of adoption won't be kept a mystery. But I certainly can't imagine that person joining our lives the way these agencies seem to indicate is "equally satisfying".

I don't know if background matters, but we are a mixed (african american & white), heterosexual family without any religious affiliation. We have one young child, but fertility treatments have failed to help me bring another to term. Not open to foster-to-adopt at this time, though I have two friends who have done this and it is AMAZING how their families have come together.

Any recommendations for solid agencies?

My husband and I are currently waiting for placement with an open adoption agency. We felt the same as you in the beginning but the education provided by the agency was very eye-opening. It's not about you. It's about what's best for the child. It's not the "rage," it is based on solid mental health research. Please do some more research and talking with people who've BTDT before you make up your mind.

I'm not sure what makes you think agencies are only doing open adoptions. I truly don't know of any agencies around here who only do open adoptions - that would mean they would turn away pregnant women who are looking for closed adoptions and I just can't fathom that happening. Almost all the agencies that do domestic adoptions have the adoptive families create profiles that include their preferences - regarding race, gender, special needs, and level of openness. They also have the same info on potential birth parents, and will show a pregnant woman profiles that match her wishes. So the more flexible you are the more frequently oyu may be available for a match, but that's about it. Have you been to some info sessions or are you just basing your assumptions on websites and what you've heard?

OP, like others have mentioned, "open adoption" can be either of two extremes, or anywhere in the middle.

You might want to look into the agencies that promote "open" adoption and ask details about what it means. Some might only due fully open (meet ups, holiday visits, etc.) but some might just mean open in the sense that communication is open and not secretive and/or fully closed.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for all the responses. I would never hide the fact of adoption and -- assuming we know the identity and have the ok from birth mother -- would be 100% fine with the child meeting his/her birth parent as an older teenager. That would seem a cruel denial! I just don't want it to be part of everyday life.

Are there any recommendations for agencies?

What I mean is, though, it might not be just a one-time meeting as an older teenager. It might be an ongoing relationship with birth parents and siblings that is part of your child's life, maybe not every day but on a monthly or annual basis, for a long long time. You need to understand that there is a whole birth family out there, and ultimately it is them and the child, not you, who will determine how much contact happens in the late teens and adulthood.

Yes, thank you - I am aware of this. I have friends who were adopted as infants. One wanted nothing to do with her birth mother - no interest in meeting. One who searched for years, but could never find her until the woman died (in prison). Another who met his birth mother and it was...fine, he said; not life changing. My doctor was adopted, but it was closed.

Perhaps I should be more clear: I'd like an agency that is not solely open adoption. Where I live, the big push is for open adoption that includes ongoing visitation; that's not for me -- despite the agency's high success rates.

Understand open adoption can mean anything from yearly pictures and updates to yearly visits to seeing the birth family all the time. Its not unreasonable for a birth family to at a minimum want pictures and updates. Can you imagine being in the position of not being able to parent your child and not knowing if your child is ok. Most adoptions where everything is a secret and no contact, from what I've seen cause far more problems than is helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for all the responses. I would never hide the fact of adoption and -- assuming we know the identity and have the ok from birth mother -- would be 100% fine with the child meeting his/her birth parent as an older teenager. That would seem a cruel denial! I just don't want it to be part of everyday life.

Are there any recommendations for agencies?

What I mean is, though, it might not be just a one-time meeting as an older teenager. It might be an ongoing relationship with birth parents and siblings that is part of your child's life, maybe not every day but on a monthly or annual basis, for a long long time. You need to understand that there is a whole birth family out there, and ultimately it is them and the child, not you, who will determine how much contact happens in the late teens and adulthood.

Yes, thank you - I am aware of this. I have friends who were adopted as infants. One wanted nothing to do with her birth mother - no interest in meeting. One who searched for years, but could never find her until the woman died (in prison). Another who met his birth mother and it was...fine, he said; not life changing. My doctor was adopted, but it was closed.

Perhaps I should be more clear: I'd like an agency that is not solely open adoption. Where I live, the big push is for open adoption that includes ongoing visitation; that's not for me -- despite the agency's high success rates.

Adoption Choices Of Texas

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for all the responses. I would never hide the fact of adoption and -- assuming we know the identity and have the ok from birth mother -- would be 100% fine with the child meeting his/her birth parent as an older teenager. That would seem a cruel denial! I just don't want it to be part of everyday life.

Are there any recommendations for agencies?

What I mean is, though, it might not be just a one-time meeting as an older teenager. It might be an ongoing relationship with birth parents and siblings that is part of your child's life, maybe not every day but on a monthly or annual basis, for a long long time. You need to understand that there is a whole birth family out there, and ultimately it is them and the child, not you, who will determine how much contact happens in the late teens and adulthood.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks so much for all the responses. I would never hide the fact of adoption and -- assuming we know the identity and have the ok from birth mother -- would be 100% fine with the child meeting his/her birth parent as an older teenager. That would seem a cruel denial! I just don't want it to be part of everyday life.

Are there any recommendations for agencies?

You won't get recommendations for agencies that specialize in closed adoptions because that's not how it works. Adoption agencies work with birth mothers to help them find adoptive parents and a style of adoption that works for them. They don't discriminate in choosing which birth mothers to work with based on the type of adoption they want.

Thanks so much for all the responses. I would never hide the fact of adoption and -- assuming we know the identity and have the ok from birth mother -- would be 100% fine with the child meeting his/her birth parent as an older teenager. That would seem a cruel denial! I just don't want it to be part of everyday life.

Are there any recommendations for agencies?

OP, I think it's fine to prefer closed adoption-- that's what many birth moms prefer, anyway. But you might want to consider how you would feel if your child chose to reunite with the birth family in adulthood. Would you be ok with that?