OP, if he has a gun and threatened you with it, please report him to the police. His addiction has made him a treat to himself or others. They may be able to do an involuntary short or long term hold on him.

For the pp who mentioned the value of oxytocin in post surgical pain reduction, did you know that 80% of the world's supply of oxycodone is used in the United States? It is a highly addictive drug that pharmaceutical companies have convinced both doctors and the public is necessary for pain management.

OP my family has been going through a similar situation with my brother, who is a husband and father to two young children. It's incredibly sad. NarAnon or AlAnon meetings would be very helpful here; at the very least you might read "Codependent No More" for further strategies in dealing with an addict. I wish you peace.

I would not write a letter asking to be cut out the will. You probably feel the need to protect yourself yet again from getting hurt. He might acknowledge in his will how hard it must have been for his children to live with him ...

I also agree that at this point I would cut him out until you get a letter saying he has been clean for at least 6 months.

Stay strong, my heart goes out to you. It is a nightmare to have parents that behave so immature.

OP here.

Ok, not surprising, I guess, but my father has backed away from his desire to be clean. Now, he just had surgery (yesterday), and got some meds for surgical pain. But, that is only 30 low dose (for him) pills.

I only hope that the Dr's do not write anymore. But I am drafting a letter suggesting that he adjust his will to exclude me, because I am cutting him out of my life. I will send it in two to three weeks, after I see what happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. This is such an addictive drug it makes me furious that doctors use it to treat pain.

It sounds as if he needs to be admitted to a treatment facility, but I doubt he would agree to it.
I hate to say this (you probably already know it) - it is going to be next to impossible to get him off the drug without his cooperation or interest in doing so.

The first thing I would do is get the gun out of the house.
Sorry I can’t give you more advise.
Maybe someone here will lead you in the right direction.

He lives an extremely pro-gun state (Idaho). I do not know where the gun is in the house.

OP, it's time to walk away and take whatever steps you feel you need to in order to protect yourself and your family. If you live sufficiently far away that there's no reasonable chance he can travel to you, then just leave. If you're close enough that you think he could carry through on his threat, go to the police. There is nothing you can do with someone who is so invested in maintaining his addiction that he threatens to kill anyone who tries to help him.

+1 Please take care of yourself, OP. Your father has made his choice.

OP here. He is a veteran, but also was a physician within the VA system, and is embarrassed at one level, but had been defiant at another level.

With the help of the clergy, we were able to get him to admit that he is an addict. That he has to get off and has to stay off the pills. And the Rabbi pointed out resources. I hope it takes. I would like to have my father back.

lots of counties have free 30-day facilities btw. if he is a veteran, the VA hospitals have long term residential treatment too.

He needs Suboxone - the Rx for pain killer addicts. Relieves withdrawal, and makes it so if he relapses, he cant even get high on painkillers.

That aside, to get to that point, he needs to go to a real treatment facility for 30 days, followed by a halfway house.

I'd find a 30-day that takes his insurance, and do an intervention with the wife - like you either go, or you are homeless.

then wipe your hands clean, and you and your sister go to Al Anon meetings to learn to detach mentally from the situation and not feel guilty. SOme people have to hit their "bottom" whatever that is - especially people hooked on heroin, meth, and pain killers

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Hit submit too early.

I aslo pointed out that he will be alone. His wife will leave him, and the next time I saw him would be one of our funerals.

He was stoned at my daughters (his grand daughters Bat Mitzvah). He OD'd the day I had cancer surgery -- part of a lung removed -- redirecting all of my support to him. Fortunately, the ICU nurses focused on me, and not him.

I am at a loss of what more I can do.

You can't do much more. He is a competent adult who has been and is being presented with options and is refusing. Nothing will work until HE reaches for it. I would report the death threat to local authorities because there may be grounds for them to remove his gun. Otherwise simply tell him you are letting go and he will have to go it alone.

I hope his wife is strong enough to do the same.

Sounds like he has dementia, in addition to addiction. Unfortunately, in our society, there is nothing that can be done. You need to report him to the local sherriff and then get far far away.

I don't think he should have access to his gun after the threat he made. If you don't know where it is in the house, I would have his wife change the locks. Tell him he can go to a shelter or to rehab.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry, OP. This is such an addictive drug it makes me furious that doctors use it to treat pain.

It sounds as if he needs to be admitted to a treatment facility, but I doubt he would agree to it.
I hate to say this (you probably already know it) - it is going to be next to impossible to get him off the drug without his cooperation or interest in doing so.

The first thing I would do is get the gun out of the house.
Sorry I can’t give you more advise.
Maybe someone here will lead you in the right direction.

He lives an extremely pro-gun state (Idaho). I do not know where the gun is in the house.

OP, it's time to walk away and take whatever steps you feel you need to in order to protect yourself and your family. If you live sufficiently far away that there's no reasonable chance he can travel to you, then just leave. If you're close enough that you think he could carry through on his threat, go to the police. There is nothing you can do with someone who is so invested in maintaining his addiction that he threatens to kill anyone who tries to help him.

Anonymous wrote:Get him into a detox that does not use suboxone. Have him get either a Vivitrol shot (lasts a month) or a Vivtrol implant (lasts two to three months) before he leaves. (No suboxone in detox because it has opiate properties and you can't do Vivitrol if you are on it.) Then have a plan for getting the Vivitrol renewed. While he is in detox have someone scour the house and remove guns and any stray pills.

This would be good advice if he were willing and asking for help. He's not. She has no control over him, doesn't live locally and has her own family to return to. I think making peace that she had no control is the biggest thing she can do.

Get him into a detox that does not use suboxone. Have him get either a Vivitrol shot (lasts a month) or a Vivtrol implant (lasts two to three months) before he leaves. (No suboxone in detox because it has opiate properties and you can't do Vivitrol if you are on it.) Then have a plan for getting the Vivitrol renewed. While he is in detox have someone scour the house and remove guns and any stray pills.

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry.
At this point, you need to worry about the effect this is having on you, and get yourself the therapy and support you need to deal with this.
You have done everything you can do (besides calling the DMV to tell them, but sounds like he would drive anyways and his wife won't actually take the car key and you don't like locally to call the police when he's driving on drugs)
I wouldn't worry about the medical board, at 78 he can't be seeing patients.

+1

Sorry for the pain. Let him go lovingly and ask God to fully take over in prayer.