Anonymous
08/23/2015 15:58
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
Anonymous wrote:OP, I am in almost your exact same situation and the only thing that has ever worked is
1. Leave my sibling alone.
Not responding to an email or phone call is essentially saying they don't want that kind of contact. You will unknowingly say the wrong thing, or share the wrong info. Even your email about the baby could be interpreted by an angry bitter person as thinking you are so special you had a baby, everyone has babies, etc and fuel the rage. Your sister is not well, any contact is going to blow up
2. Making it very clear, and following through, with my parents that I do not want their input or information about my sibling passed to me, and requested no info go the opposite way as well, though I can't control that.
It only hurts the situation to have parents (your Dad for you) being the middle man, having discussions with you and then your sister, passing things along, trying to talk to your sister about you and vice versa. Though well intentioned, especially since he is still married to your mom, the back and forth and drama with everyone talking through him will make things worse. Have discussions with him that you don't want to talk about it.
3. Assume it's permanent and get yourself the support you need to deal with it
This is excellent advice.
Your sister is being crystal clear OP. It is sad, on many levels, and I am sorry for you, but she is being extremely consistent and clear. You need to leave it alone and go live your life. You have your own nuclear family to worry about now. Just focus on that.
(I say this as someone who found having children to suddenly give me extraordinary clarity and strength in limit setting w/ my highly dysfunctional family.)
Anonymous
08/21/2015 22:20
Subject: Re:Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
OP here. Thanks, immediate PP and others -- your advice is appreciated. I'll get through this.
Anonymous
08/21/2015 16:31
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
(1) stop trying to be peacemaker in your family. let your sister negotiate her own relationship with your parents
(2) you could tell your sister that you are sorry if you hurt her in any way and that you know she is suffering. that is probably the fastest way to restore your relationship.
(3) but really, do you want to? With a young child, I would want some space from your sister, who sounds like unfortunately she learned lessons of narcissism from your mother. the hardest thing for an abused person to face is that they themselves have become abusive. I think that is what has happened here...your sister is focused only on her self, like you parents were when you were young. it's sad. but pointing that out to your sister is not going to work until she is ready to face it and own it.
(2) you could tell your sister that you are sorry if you hurt her in any way and that you know she is suffering. that is probably the fastest way to restore your relationship.
(3) but really, do you want to? With a young child, I would want some space from your sister, who sounds like unfortunately she learned lessons of narcissism from your mother. the hardest thing for an abused person to face is that they themselves have become abusive. I think that is what has happened here...your sister is focused only on her self, like you parents were when you were young. it's sad. but pointing that out to your sister is not going to work until she is ready to face it and own it.
Anonymous
08/21/2015 09:34
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
You don't get to choose who your sister speaks to. It's not fair to expect her to cut off her own mom based on your feelings. They have their own relationship. If you cut your sister off, you are the one who made a choice: you are choosing to let your hatred of your mom ruin your relationship with your sister. It would be on you.Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something that you probably don't want to hear but how did you fail your sister then and now? I'm asking because at times I consider whether to cut off my sister who is still speaking to our shitty mother even though my mother is ignoring me and her only grandchild. It feels like my sister has chosen sides and I wasn't it. I'm sure your sister feels some of that pain. If you had said mom I'm not talking to your either until you and your fake preaching self apologize then your sister would be talking to you now IMO.
Anonymous
08/21/2015 09:23
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
OP, I am in almost your exact same situation and the only thing that has ever worked is
1. Leave my sibling alone.
Not responding to an email or phone call is essentially saying they don't want that kind of contact. You will unknowingly say the wrong thing, or share the wrong info. Even your email about the baby could be interpreted by an angry bitter person as thinking you are so special you had a baby, everyone has babies, etc and fuel the rage. Your sister is not well, any contact is going to blow up
2. Making it very clear, and following through, with my parents that I do not want their input or information about my sibling passed to me, and requested no info go the opposite way as well, though I can't control that.
It only hurts the situation to have parents (your Dad for you) being the middle man, having discussions with you and then your sister, passing things along, trying to talk to your sister about you and vice versa. Though well intentioned, especially since he is still married to your mom, the back and forth and drama with everyone talking through him will make things worse. Have discussions with him that you don't want to talk about it.
3. Assume it's permanent and get yourself the support you need to deal with it
1. Leave my sibling alone.
Not responding to an email or phone call is essentially saying they don't want that kind of contact. You will unknowingly say the wrong thing, or share the wrong info. Even your email about the baby could be interpreted by an angry bitter person as thinking you are so special you had a baby, everyone has babies, etc and fuel the rage. Your sister is not well, any contact is going to blow up
2. Making it very clear, and following through, with my parents that I do not want their input or information about my sibling passed to me, and requested no info go the opposite way as well, though I can't control that.
It only hurts the situation to have parents (your Dad for you) being the middle man, having discussions with you and then your sister, passing things along, trying to talk to your sister about you and vice versa. Though well intentioned, especially since he is still married to your mom, the back and forth and drama with everyone talking through him will make things worse. Have discussions with him that you don't want to talk about it.
3. Assume it's permanent and get yourself the support you need to deal with it
Anonymous
08/21/2015 09:00
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
My brother cut me out without telling me why, but is still in touch with some of my immediate family. It hurt a lot, and I've talked about it in therapy. He barely acknowledged my child being born, and I've just come to think that both of our lives are better at the moment without the stress of whatever I do that made him do this as well as worrying about what else I could try to get him to tell me what that was. So I'm letting it lie right now. I know it doesn't have to be forever, but I've finally come to some peace with it.
It's not that uncommon, either, I've come to find. Lots of families have stories like this.
It's not that uncommon, either, I've come to find. Lots of families have stories like this.
Anonymous
08/21/2015 07:21
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
She wants to be left alone. Leave her alone. It's OK to send her rare notification of life-change events, like the birth of your child, but naive to think she will be acknowledge it since she has no children herself and has no idea what they entail. Don't expect anything from her.
I have a cousin like this, who cut off my part of her family, accusing us of various things we did not do. It's sad, but really the only thing to do is stop thinking about it. You can welcome her if she ever chooses to contact you again, but leave her alone for now.
Anonymous
08/21/2015 06:33
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
You really aren't the only one in the world with this issue. There isn't anything more for you to do. Let it go.
Anonymous
08/21/2015 05:26
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
I haven't been in this situation but I can tell you that therapy can be an incredibly intense rearrangement of your inner garbage that drives these kinds of family hiccups. I believe that in your sister's mind, her past family issues are very very real right now, to the point that she feels driven to cut off people because of extreme anger. Let this play out for a while. I believe she will come back to you, especially if she has a skilled therapist and as she works through these dynamics. Let it be, OP. And open your heart when she does come back. You can hold her accountable for hurting you, of course, but I hope you will be open to her. Sorry OP.
Anonymous
08/21/2015 00:44
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Stop chasing her.
Exactly. She's set her boundaries and you are violating them. Stop contacting her- she doesn't want it. Maybe someday she will and she'll contact you.
+1
The "I'm going to come if you don't object" crossed a line, IMO, because she had made it clear she wanted space and you completely disallowed her that space by forcing her to either face you or at least write back just to say no after she had already said no to all your prior requests. That's not respectful of what she's asked for. Just leave it be for awhile.
+2.
Anonymous
08/20/2015 22:05
Subject: Re:Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
I was going to ask if there's a history of cutting off relatives in your family. The fact that your mom doesn't speak to members of her own family is very relevant. Sadly I've seen in families like this that the children learn it's acceptable response to a perceived hurt to cut off the offending family member.
Anonymous
08/20/2015 22:01
Subject: Re:Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
^^^ OP again just to be clear -- at the time I wrote that email my sister was not talking to my dad either so I could not verify she was okay through him. She started talking to my dad again only recently.
Anonymous
08/20/2015 22:00
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Stop chasing her.
Exactly. She's set her boundaries and you are violating them. Stop contacting her- she doesn't want it. Maybe someday she will and she'll contact you.
+1
The "I'm going to come if you don't object" crossed a line, IMO, because she had made it clear she wanted space and you completely disallowed her that space by forcing her to either face you or at least write back just to say no after she had already said no to all your prior requests. That's not respectful of what she's asked for. Just leave it be for awhile.
I tend to disagree. I think OP's sister is in pain, is blaming it on her mother and sister, is angry as hell with them, and wants to hurt them back by cutting them off. I think she wants to be pursued because it gives her the satisfaction of "getting back" at them. Having said that, I think her actions probably come from a place of deep pain. Whether that pain is justified or not almost doesn't matter because in OP's sister's mind it's justified and real.
Anonymous
08/20/2015 21:59
Subject: Sibling ignoring me and the birth of my child
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Stop chasing her.
Exactly. She's set her boundaries and you are violating them. Stop contacting her- she doesn't want it. Maybe someday she will and she'll contact you.
+1
The "I'm going to come if you don't object" crossed a line, IMO, because she had made it clear she wanted space and you completely disallowed her that space by forcing her to either face you or at least write back just to say no after she had already said no to all your prior requests. That's not respectful of what she's asked for. Just leave it be for awhile.
OP here. I understand the advice to leave her alone and will do so but you are misinterpreting my post. She had NOT said no to my prior requests -- she just did not respond to my calls or e-mails. I frankly was doubting whether she was even still alive and very worried about her, thought she might be suicidal, thought she might actually be dead. I was actually checking public death records, ok? So I finally worded the "I'm going to visit" email to force a response if I could just so I could tell if she was alive and ignoring me or not even getting my messages. Sorry if you think that "crossed a line" but if you flat out ignore someone with no explanation they may be confused and worried.