Anonymous wrote:My (unmarried, no kids, no experience with kids) SIL does this too. It drives me bananas. It's quite irritating, to be honest - it's all these small things, like telling child when to stop or to slow down or to hold hands in situations where those instructions aren't needed - I think she does it b/c she has a need to feel like she knows everything- like "parenting is so easy and u'm already better than my sil b/c i'm making my 4 year old nephew hold my hand at the playground until he gets all the way to the climbing structure. i can't believe his stupid mother doesn't understand the dangers of the playground."

full disclosure - i once did something similar - my husband's cousin was letting their 1 year old play at the top of a semi-circular staircase that was 40 stairs high - she thought it was totally fine and that the kid could get up and down as she needed to, but me (a non-parent at the time) thought i knew better and told her she should watch her daughter more closely, or take her all the way down. to her credit, she didn/t slug me

Really? The way you describe the situation with the cousin, I'd be worried about that kid, too, unless mom and dad were playing near the kid and watching her. Can you tell us more why you are rethinking what happened? Maybe there's a piece missing that would make sense once you explain it.

It's really not cool to withhold the aspergers diagnosis. Tell her.

Of course she isn't playing or asking about them. They're boring, annoying, and probably sticky a lot of the time. Why are little kids always sticky?
Her relationships with your kids will improve over time. It's something you can look forward to. Little kids aren't for everyone!

It's annoying when people without kids act like they know it all... But if we are honest, many of us have done this. I cringe at stuff I used to say.

All of this over 3 - 4 days/YEAR?

OP, let her know one ds has aspeger's. The rest of it can probably be tolerated.

my aunt does this. But I could care less. I'm just glad she does it to me and not her son's wife. I can take it from an aunt but no way would I tolerate from a mother-in-law. She seems to knwo this and is only assertive with my kids. Whatever. She has a complicated relationship with motherhood having lost a relationship with her own young kids for several years so I figure some of that is playing out in taking over my kids when they are around. I see her twice a year, so it is all good. Family is really really complicated stuff, try to be understanding.

My (unmarried, no kids, no experience with kids) SIL does this too. It drives me bananas. It's quite irritating, to be honest - it's all these small things, like telling child when to stop or to slow down or to hold hands in situations where those instructions aren't needed - I think she does it b/c she has a need to feel like she knows everything- like "parenting is so easy and u'm already better than my sil b/c i'm making my 4 year old nephew hold my hand at the playground until he gets all the way to the climbing structure. i can't believe his stupid mother doesn't understand the dangers of the playground."

full disclosure - i once did something similar - my husband's cousin was letting their 1 year old play at the top of a semi-circular staircase that was 40 stairs high - she thought it was totally fine and that the kid could get up and down as she needed to, but me (a non-parent at the time) thought i knew better and told her she should watch her daughter more closely, or take her all the way down. to her credit, she didn/t slug me

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have this complaint after just 3-4 days per year. I think there's got to be a back story. Are you insecure when it comes to comparing yourself to your sister? I don't think what you wrote even sounds that bad. My brother and I will correct/feed/help/cuddle each other's kids whenever something needs to get done. It's part of being a family.

OP here. Thanks for this-- I think that actually helps me realize part of what bugs me about it. She does not help feed, cuddle, etc. Just helps to correct. So I guess I wish she showed more interest in enjoying them and getting to know them. My younger sister does read to them, play with them, talk to them, ask me about them throughout the year, etc., and I don't bat an eye if she jumps in. (She also has kids, so usually when she jumps in while I'm there, it's because one of her kids is involved.)

I think that's why I haven't told my older sister about the Asperger's, either. The kids barely come up when we talk, so opening up to her about parenting challenges in general and something as emotional as his SN just hasn't happened.

Ultimately, maybe what bothers me is really that I wish my older sister showed more interest in my kids as people. She is getting better with the 9 y.o.-- plays games with her and interacts with her more, so maybe I just have to accept that the relationship will come as the kids get older. And maybe there will be a time to talk about DS then, too.

She's a HS teacher. She doesn't know how to deal with younger kids. I was like this, too, until I had my own.

Anonymous wrote:My brother used to be like this. He had one mild-mannered daughter and was flustered by my high-energy potty-humor-obsessed boys, and he was constantly correcting them instead of helping channel energy in positive ways. I would just say things like you've said. "I got this, thanks." "They are fine." "OK, EVERYBODY OUTSIDE!" Repeat, repeat, repeat. (He did change his tune a bit when his surprise second daughter ended up being kind of a hellion!) If you don't want to have a big conversation with her over 3-4 days a year, I'd just go with this strategy.

If you do want to have a talk, I'd say something like, "I really appreciate you wanting to help out with correcting/directing the kids. However, I think it's confusing for them to get two sets of directions/expectations at the same time. When I'm around, you don't have to worry about it, please let me take the lead." (Adding possibly, "especially with Joey. He was diagnosed with Aspergers, so our expectations for and strategies with him may be different from the other kids. We're on top of it, just let us do our thing.')

This is OP. Thanks so much for this-- I appreciate yours and the other helpful responses!

Anonymous wrote:You have this complaint after just 3-4 days per year. I think there's got to be a back story. Are you insecure when it comes to comparing yourself to your sister? I don't think what you wrote even sounds that bad. My brother and I will correct/feed/help/cuddle each other's kids whenever something needs to get done. It's part of being a family.

OP here. Thanks for this-- I think that actually helps me realize part of what bugs me about it. She does not help feed, cuddle, etc. Just helps to correct. So I guess I wish she showed more interest in enjoying them and getting to know them. My younger sister does read to them, play with them, talk to them, ask me about them throughout the year, etc., and I don't bat an eye if she jumps in. (She also has kids, so usually when she jumps in while I'm there, it's because one of her kids is involved.)

I think that's why I haven't told my older sister about the Asperger's, either. The kids barely come up when we talk, so opening up to her about parenting challenges in general and something as emotional as his SN just hasn't happened.

Ultimately, maybe what bothers me is really that I wish my older sister showed more interest in my kids as people. She is getting better with the 9 y.o.-- plays games with her and interacts with her more, so maybe I just have to accept that the relationship will come as the kids get older. And maybe there will be a time to talk about DS then, too.

My mom does this, so I know how irritating it can be. You can say something ilke -- "I want you to enjoy your time with the kids. Leave the discipline and parenting to me."

My brother used to be like this. He had one mild-mannered daughter and was flustered by my high-energy potty-humor-obsessed boys, and he was constantly correcting them instead of helping channel energy in positive ways. I would just say things like you've said. "I got this, thanks." "They are fine." "OK, EVERYBODY OUTSIDE!" Repeat, repeat, repeat. (He did change his tune a bit when his surprise second daughter ended up being kind of a hellion!) If you don't want to have a big conversation with her over 3-4 days a year, I'd just go with this strategy.

If you do want to have a talk, I'd say something like, "I really appreciate you wanting to help out with correcting/directing the kids. However, I think it's confusing for them to get two sets of directions/expectations at the same time. When I'm around, you don't have to worry about it, please let me take the lead." (Adding possibly, "especially with Joey. He was diagnosed with Aspergers, so our expectations for and strategies with him may be different from the other kids. We're on top of it, just let us do our thing.')

Anonymous wrote:Seems to me you're setting your sister up to fail by not telling her about the Aspergers. Why wouldn't you tell her and give her strict guidelines/expectations.

The other stuff is understandably annoying but that's about it. You are probably annoying to her too. That's family.

+1

If you're going to insist on not telling her about the aspergers because you "can't handle it," then you just need to let it go when she (quite understandably) makes comments about his behavior. I think you're being really unfair to her.

Ooh, this would drive me insanely crazy. Is she directive to you in other areas of your life, or just with your kids?

Sounds like my teacher sister too..

she doesn't have kids, but thinks she knows everything about parenting since she has to deal with the parents all the time.

Anyway, don't let it get to you.

And tell her about the asperger's .. she may know how to approach your son better that way.

She's trying to help you because you have a lot of kids. When you hear her correct your kids, just tell her "Oh that's ok" or whatever...

If she passes judgement, then that's her problem. But, by your own words, she doesn't know your parenting style so you should tell her. Otherwise, just tell her not to help you watch your kids, other than safety issues. But even that is subject to interpretation sometimes.

Seems to me you're setting your sister up to fail by not telling her about the Aspergers. Why wouldn't you tell her and give her strict guidelines/expectations.

The other stuff is understandably annoying but that's about it. You are probably annoying to her too. That's family.