Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 17:14     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Op, when I read the *first* sentence of your post, my eyes bugged out of my head! Thanksgiving through Christmas! That is too long, and too much stress.

Your husband should be dealing with all of this, not you. As others have said, certain behavior is OFF LIMITS for a guest. Guests do not interfere in sleep schedules, redecorate, or piss off the nanny. Now the cooking I would welcome and then happily clean.

By the way, hire a cleaning lady for the deep clean when she leaves.

But meanwhile, you are not wrong to put your foot down about this. It is just too much. Glad you are in counselling. Keep it up! Can you have the conversation about this in the counselor's office so you have a referee?
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 16:22     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Anonymous wrote:Can the nanny plan more activities away from home, too. DH needs to talk to MIL. If he can't do that, you need to limit the time to two weeks. However, DH may try talking to MIL and she may not listen...


She will be here at end of Nov. And it gets cold by this time


OP, if she comes here for Thanksgiving, I can guarantee you that she will finagle her stay through Christmas. She was here in May and that should be enough for one year.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 16:19     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
He is a mama's boy and he will never stand up to her. Either you stand up tor yourself or you will have a Marie Barone problem! If she isn't from the US, then Thanksgiving isn't one of her holidays. Hatd as it may be, I would just say, NO!
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 15:57     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Can the nanny plan more activities away from home, too. DH needs to talk to MIL. If he can't do that, you need to limit the time to two weeks. However, DH may try talking to MIL and she may not listen...
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 15:56     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound selfish. Find a compromise at 3-4. We have a relative who generally comes for 4-5 weeks. It took me some getting used to and the first few visits were hard, but you adjust for your kids sake. Its very common for relatives in other countries due to the cost of the tickets to come for that length of time.



Coming for that long twice a year? No. Especially if she interferes with how the household operates and her son just ignores her and doesn't work on setting boundaries.


Guests and fish start to smell after three days. I would never dream of staying at someone's home more than three days.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 15:54     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
I bet OP's MIL is Asian. They have a different way of doing things than white people folks!
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 15:46     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound selfish. Find a compromise at 3-4. We have a relative who generally comes for 4-5 weeks. It took me some getting used to and the first few visits were hard, but you adjust for your kids sake. Its very common for relatives in other countries due to the cost of the tickets to come for that length of time.


Do not listen to this bozo
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 15:45     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound selfish. Find a compromise at 3-4. We have a relative who generally comes for 4-5 weeks. It took me some getting used to and the first few visits were hard, but you adjust for your kids sake. Its very common for relatives in other countries due to the cost of the tickets to come for that length of time.



Coming for that long twice a year? No. Especially if she interferes with how the household operates and her son just ignores her and doesn't work on setting boundaries.


Our relative comes 1-3 times a year. Then, OP should offer to pay for the tickets so she can come shorter trips, more often.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 15:39     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound selfish. Find a compromise at 3-4. We have a relative who generally comes for 4-5 weeks. It took me some getting used to and the first few visits were hard, but you adjust for your kids sake. Its very common for relatives in other countries due to the cost of the tickets to come for that length of time.


Just because other people do it, OP doesn't have to do it. OP doesn't have to make herself miserable just because misery is the standard in other families.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 15:38     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Anonymous wrote:OP again. MIL doesn't have the financial resources to stay in a hotel (hence the reason she retired back to her home country). DH and I have just started marriage counseling (initiated by me) to address this issue and a few others areas. However, MIL is demanding an answer right away and threatening not come. There isn't an opportunity to work through this with the counselor.

We sat down last night to discuss this. Anytime I bring up his mother, he becomes super defensive and treats me like the bad guy. He agreed to limit the visit to Thanksgiving to save Christmas for my family but proposes sender her to his sister's house every weekend (which still causes me a ton of extra work during my busy work week).


Just say "No." No, she can't come for Christmas. Maybe next year.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 15:19     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound selfish. Find a compromise at 3-4. We have a relative who generally comes for 4-5 weeks. It took me some getting used to and the first few visits were hard, but you adjust for your kids sake. Its very common for relatives in other countries due to the cost of the tickets to come for that length of time.



Coming for that long twice a year? No. Especially if she interferes with how the household operates and her son just ignores her and doesn't work on setting boundaries.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 15:01     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
OP, you sound selfish. Find a compromise at 3-4. We have a relative who generally comes for 4-5 weeks. It took me some getting used to and the first few visits were hard, but you adjust for your kids sake. Its very common for relatives in other countries due to the cost of the tickets to come for that length of time.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 14:58     Subject: Re:Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
My work is portable and there's lots of flex work spaces around me. However, I would worry about my nanny and MIL sabotaging the situation. I think my MIL envisions moving to our area to become the nanny. She drops hints all the time. Plus, I've seen how she treats her "help" and believe she would treat the nanny rudely in my absence.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 14:47     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Is your work portable at all? What if you rented a co-working space for a month? You could get up and go to work every day and leave the kids, nanny, and grandma to figure out how to coexist. And if they had any issues, you and your WOH husband would be equally (un)available to help them.
Anonymous
Post 08/15/2015 14:09     Subject: Unreasonable to limit MIL visit over holidays
Threatening not to come? Great, problem solved!

His plan to send her away on the weekends? BS. So you have to spend all day with her and he never sees her? Heck no. She can just stay at the sister's if sister is amenable. DH and kids can visit her there.