Anonymous
08/06/2015 19:15
Subject: Re:Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
My dad has been the primary caregiver for my mom for the past four years. She is quite ill as confined to a wheelchair. Both my mom and dad speak if their life together in the past tense. They live each other deeply, but have come to peace with the idea that they are near the end. They have done their grieving. I will be thrilled if my dad finds companionship and love after my mom dies. And my mom feels the same, urging him to get a nicer wardrobe if be hopes to find someone who will date him! Sometimes moving on quickly after your spouse's death reflects that you've already said your goodbyes, and that you had a strong living marriage and have high hopes for marriage. Please don't take it as a sign of disrespect. Nobody could ever replace your parent, ever.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 19:14
Subject: Re:Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
My dad has been the primary caregiver for my mom for the past four years. She is quite ill as confined to a wheelchair. Both my mom and dad speak if their life together in the past tense. They live each other deeply, but have come to peace with the idea that they are near the end. They have done their grieving. I will be thrilled if my dad finds companionship and love after my mom dies. And my mom feels the same, urging him to get a nicer wardrobe if be hopes to find someone who will date him! Sometimes moving on quickly after your spouse's death reflects that you've already said your goodbyes, and that you had a strong living marriage and have high hopes for marriage. Please don't take it as a sign of disrespect. Nobody could ever replace your parent, ever.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 19:10
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
Anonymous wrote:"Make sure she has a will in place and make sure that your mom, you and your siblings (?) do not get screwed over."
Most states have statutory spousal rights that cannot be overridden by a will.
But are easily overwritten by a prenup, which is highly advisable in any remarriage.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 19:10
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
A friend's mom m committed suicide. Dad remarried 6 months later.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 19:08
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
Anonymous wrote:On the other end of the spectrum, DH's mom died 30 years ago and FIL never remarried. He came close 18 years ago but SIL pitched a fit and he called it off. His health is failing now and SIL is tearing her hair out trying to care for him long distance.
SIL's husband has refused to speak to his father since he remarried 2 years ago, which was 3 years after his mom passed. Those two are well matched.
And sick, selfish and uncaring.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 19:07
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
Anonymous wrote:I'm not personally dealing with this but my close friend is going through something very similar. Her mother died at the end of May after an approximately three year battle with cancer. Her father announced two months to the day after she died that he was remarrying. He's planning on getting married next month, which would be about four months after her death. I should also mention that he had been talking to this other woman casually (nothing physical) since before her mother died, and even really before the cancer was terminal.
My friend asked for my advice and I told her to tell him how she felt -- that she understood his need for companionship but that it was too soon, and was disrespectful to her mother's memory and incredibly hurtful to her and her sister. I told her to resist the urge to cut him out of her life completely because he is her father and she would regret it, but that she was entitled to her feelings and she shouldn't keep them bottled up inside.
No, your mom doesn't have to run her life around your emotions, but taking your feelings into consideration (within reason) is just the decent thing to do. I think you can tell her how you feel. But then be prepared to accept her decision, no matter how much it hurts.
They get in line, some earlier than others. Trust me, my mom knew exactly who was working on getting in line and picked out the one that would win. Dad was good to her throughout and my mom was pretty casual about it. She said for years before the illness that she would never remarry but she knew he would never stay alone. She was right on him not remaining alone and which woman it would be.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 18:46
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
On the other end of the spectrum, DH's mom died 30 years ago and FIL never remarried. He came close 18 years ago but SIL pitched a fit and he called it off. His health is failing now and SIL is tearing her hair out trying to care for him long distance.
SIL's husband has refused to speak to his father since he remarried 2 years ago, which was 3 years after his mom passed. Those two are well matched.
SIL's husband has refused to speak to his father since he remarried 2 years ago, which was 3 years after his mom passed. Those two are well matched.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 17:25
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
My dad remarried within 13 mos of my mother's death from cancer. I was 14 at the time and it sucked. Be happy you're an adult and can at least go your own way. I'm sorry for your loss.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 17:20
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
PS, from the immediate PP - I totally get how you feel OP. It is absolutely valid. Try as best you can to find a way to separate your grief from your mother's way of coping. Find a good grief counselor.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 17:19
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
My dad didn't remarry, but he did somehow came up for air after two years of intense grief over the loss of my mother after almost 40 years of marriage and a horrific illness to suddenly start dating in his early 70s. To a woman in her 50s. Now, my mother was a decade younger than he was, but this was just surreal. I would have staked my life, my kids' lives, on the fact that he would never date.
I was sort of unhappy about it, one of my brothers was appalled and actively difficult, and the other thought it was great. She dumped him when his faculties began to slip. He moved into a continuing care community where he was living independently with a lot of help, and promptly became "involved" (as in inseparable from) a woman with severe Parkinsons. It was clearly not physical; she was very difficult to understand so I don't even think it was an intellectual connection. He was just a guy who needed to have a wife/partner. She died, and he had a health crisis. He's now in skilled nursing with advanced Alzheimers and if he has a girlfriend next time I see him, I'll be thrilled.
I was sort of unhappy about it, one of my brothers was appalled and actively difficult, and the other thought it was great. She dumped him when his faculties began to slip. He moved into a continuing care community where he was living independently with a lot of help, and promptly became "involved" (as in inseparable from) a woman with severe Parkinsons. It was clearly not physical; she was very difficult to understand so I don't even think it was an intellectual connection. He was just a guy who needed to have a wife/partner. She died, and he had a health crisis. He's now in skilled nursing with advanced Alzheimers and if he has a girlfriend next time I see him, I'll be thrilled.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 17:00
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
My uncle did something similar. He did not remarry but he entered a serious relationship with another woman and they moved in together about a month after my aunt died and they even went on to have a child together. My cousins were very upset and do not acknowledge their half sibling. One of them has completely disowned my uncle and refuses to be in the same room with him at any family events.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 17:00
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
Your mom has been grieving since your dad became ill...this is all very normal and not about you. Get yourself to a grief therapist and a compassionate friends meeting. It will help. I'm sorry about your Dad.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 16:54
Subject: Re:Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
My father in law did.
MIL was diagnosed in January (several years ago) with leukemia, died in April. FIL announced that he was getting remarried in November (so about 7 months after MIL's death.) They got married in September--so about 17 months after MILs death.
My husband's sister was FURIOUS. DH and his brother were more understanding.
It's been several years and they seem happy. They definitely interact with her side of the family (she has grown children and grandchildren) more than ours, and the two sides never do anything together at all--but we all live in different locations, on different coasts, etc. Actually that's not quite true---one of her grown children lives in the DC area, but I only met her and her family at the wedding several years ago.
MIL was diagnosed in January (several years ago) with leukemia, died in April. FIL announced that he was getting remarried in November (so about 7 months after MIL's death.) They got married in September--so about 17 months after MILs death.
My husband's sister was FURIOUS. DH and his brother were more understanding.
It's been several years and they seem happy. They definitely interact with her side of the family (she has grown children and grandchildren) more than ours, and the two sides never do anything together at all--but we all live in different locations, on different coasts, etc. Actually that's not quite true---one of her grown children lives in the DC area, but I only met her and her family at the wedding several years ago.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 16:38
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
My dad did this. To be fair, my mom had been pretty sick and not 'herself' for several years (cancer) so in some ways, he had been without his partner for much longer. He also is a man who loves women, and seeks out companionship, so is much happier married. I tried to see his quick remarrying as a reflection on how much he valued the institution of marriage and his relationship with my mom. Luckily his wife is pretty cool, though it did sting a little at the time.
Anonymous
08/06/2015 16:26
Subject: Anyone's parent remarry quickly after loss of spouse?
Be happy it'll have been a year! I think the older generations really don't know how to be alone. Because it wasn't done when they were single or young.