Anonymous wrote:0056 here For those of you with experience in these relationships, how do you break through? I cannot even maintain a solid friendship with this person.

Anonymous wrote:Personally, no. But i have two long-term girlfriends who have this kind of attachment style. For many years they have acted like they wanted a long-term relationship and they actively seek them. Since they are both quite pretty and smart, they have no trouble finding men. But as soon as they start getting close, both of them begin to look for and find faults. They also tend to seek out men who are "impossible". The more impossible the guy, the more they want to get close. But it always ends the same way. They leave the relationship and then blame the guy, who is often devastated. These two are totally unaware of what they are doing and picture themselves as victims. It's always the man's fault.

Anonymous wrote:6:38 PP again....I just thought that I didn't say anything about sex. Sex was great, fun, uncomplicated. Everything was uncomplicated. No bonding after sex though. Always laughs and joking and cuddling for a bit until he had to get up and get away from the bed asap. Had to get things done. No falling asleep in each other's arms. Just up and things to do, places to go! That would be at his home or mine (unless it was go to bed sex when he would stay in bed obviously). Still no bonding though.

And now that you've got me thinking about it, if I have to define those years with him, they seem hard to grasp at. Memories of them don't seem very sharply defined. All very superficial. They were happy but just not "deep" and meaningful. I don't quite know if that says something about me or about him or about the fact that he is avoidant or not. He just seemed happy to be who he was and not expect anyone to ask much of him or to expect too much from him.

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had any experience in long-term relationships with an avoidant person? What was the relationship like, how did the avoidant person break up with you and did they seem to mourn the end of the relationship or not?

Anonymous wrote:OP posting. I've read through all the replies and have found some valuable information. Thank you.

I'm having a hard time coming to terms with an ex who I think is avoidant. I found the break-up very disturbing. He was very cold and dismissive during the break-up and am wondering who this "new" person is? I have had no contact from him since we broke up and the break-up itself was very superficial and very much a practicality. No feelings, no depth, no real explanations. Impersonal. I'm confused and am wondering : am I supposed to just accept that turn of events and leave it at that? Discarded. No value.
He's moved on to someone else - who is married - and I'm left grieving while he has just replaced me and gone on with his life like I was never there in the first place. It is all so unbelievable.


Hi OP, I remember your earlier threads about your break-up. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. It seems you're having trouble getting out of this loop in your head of wondering why and how, why and how, again and again and again. The way that he has handled himself, both during your relationship and afterward, reflects his own deficits and not your own.

You talk about his detachment, from you, from his family and his own children. I dare say that the way the relationship ended and his current conduct should not come as a shock. You should not be scouring every memory of your time together for proof that you did or said something to cause him to discard you in this way - you should instead stop this endless loop in your head and just feel the pain and mourn the loss. That's the only way to get through it and move on.