Anonymous
08/08/2015 14:58
Subject: DD stopped confiding in me...
Anonymous wrote:lAnonymous wrote:You have received two suggestions for the Adele favor book in the first few posts.
Get the teen one, and read it.
*fabor.
I think this book is similar--recently read it and thought it was great:
Anthony Wolf, "I'd Listen to My Parents If They'd Just Shut Up"
Anonymous
08/04/2015 09:21
Subject: Re:DD stopped confiding in me...
You have gotten great advice here. I think you are struggling to find the balance between helping your daughter and being close to your daughter, these things are sometimes mutually exclusive.
One thing I can tell you for sure is that if you work on the bond then the other stuff will fall into place. She is much more likely to brainstorm ideas with you if she feels close to you and also far more likely to do the opposite of what you advise if she feels distant from you (power struggle).
Let go of feeling that you can help her by giving her advice, you can help her by letting her feel safe in coming to you. And by "safe" I mean not judged.
One thing I can tell you for sure is that if you work on the bond then the other stuff will fall into place. She is much more likely to brainstorm ideas with you if she feels close to you and also far more likely to do the opposite of what you advise if she feels distant from you (power struggle).
Let go of feeling that you can help her by giving her advice, you can help her by letting her feel safe in coming to you. And by "safe" I mean not judged.
Anonymous
08/04/2015 08:47
Subject: DD stopped confiding in me...
^^DD asked for a counselor, and I readily agreed.
Anonymous
08/04/2015 08:45
Subject: DD stopped confiding in me...
NP. My teen daughter went through a dark phase. I reacted by taking get out for froyo, taking 2-3 hour drives around the DMV, getting her a counselor, and becoming a professional active listener.
My parents believed in everyone acting normal-status quo, counseling-wtf?, and suggesting, never really listening.
I'm glad I'm like me and not like my parents. DD came out of the dark phase, but it's always lurking, and I get it! DD still confides in me because I don't judge or offer advice. Very hard for me at first to not do, but practice makes perfect.
OP learn to be quiet, learn to love unconditionally, learn to not offer opinions. Hugs!
My parents believed in everyone acting normal-status quo, counseling-wtf?, and suggesting, never really listening.
I'm glad I'm like me and not like my parents. DD came out of the dark phase, but it's always lurking, and I get it! DD still confides in me because I don't judge or offer advice. Very hard for me at first to not do, but practice makes perfect.
OP learn to be quiet, learn to love unconditionally, learn to not offer opinions. Hugs!
Anonymous
08/03/2015 21:21
Subject: DD stopped confiding in me...
Anonymous wrote:DEFINITELY don't take her to a counselor. At the most extreme, ask her if she's interested in talking to a counselor at some neutral point in time. Or let her know that if she's ever interested, you're happy to help her find one "because I know that sometimes it's really helpful bounce things off a someone else in a safe space."
That said, she might rather talk to you and feel like you're trying to pawn her off on a stranger. It'll probably take time. Try to keep your judgements to yourself and create space for her to tell you things. My dad always took car rides with me as an adolescent. He was a night owl and would randomly asked if I wanted to go for a ride, usually around 8 or 9 after it had gotten dark. We'd put on music and head out with no destination. Stop for slurpies, watch the moon rise over Manhattan (NJ girl). Talk about all kinds of things. It was a staple of my childhood and really kept me anchored. He did a lot of listening and a lot of asking (neutral) questions. Whenever he had his own take on a topic, it was always on a different subject--never related to my personal experiences.
Not the OP, but Wow! What a fantastic father. You were very lucky PP. I had a terrible relationship with my parents and am hoping to do better with my kids. So, I like to hear positive experiences like yours and learn what to do.
Anonymous
08/03/2015 15:36
Subject: DD stopped confiding in me...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Read: How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.
Not sure it will help much, though, you seem pretty set on setting her right. You will NOT get anywhere by calling her out.
Strongly suggest thinking differently or it will be a long and destructive next four years.
OP here. I understand and realize that something needs to change. But when I see dd walk into a room full of friends with a grumpy look on her face, sits by herself, and complains later that they were ignoring her...what would you say to that? I'm not being snide here. I really want to know how I am supposed to react!
In the moment you should do nothing. Don't react at all.
Later say, hey did you have fun? If she is like yea sure either let it be or say, oh i thought you looked a little upset when you walked into the kitchen I must be mistaken. Maybe she will say, oh yea Larla was trying to be bossy or something. Then you say, oh bummer. That is it.
Sometimes, I get ... I don't want to tell you because you will overreact so I say, I promise not to .. then they tell me, then I put a pillow over my head so I don't overreact. See it's funny. We are parents, we over react, we give too much direction, we actually think we understand but we don't, we think we can impart wisdom, but likely we can't.
Like recently I said, "Just don't go on Instagram." I might as well of said, "just don't breath"
I often say, "I am sorry, i am not good at this, i am trying my best."
Anonymous
08/03/2015 15:30
Subject: Re:DD stopped confiding in me...
Try asking open ended questions.
http://www.wikihow.com/Ask-Open-Ended-Questions
Also, don't make "you" statements.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message
When you see a parent correcting a child in sports people cringe. But the parent thinks, if I don't explain what they are doing wrong then he/she will never get it right. But that is so destructive, you may be doing the same thing about friendship without realizing it.
http://www.wikihow.com/Ask-Open-Ended-Questions
Also, don't make "you" statements.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I-message
When you see a parent correcting a child in sports people cringe. But the parent thinks, if I don't explain what they are doing wrong then he/she will never get it right. But that is so destructive, you may be doing the same thing about friendship without realizing it.
Anonymous
08/03/2015 15:26
Subject: DD stopped confiding in me...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Read: How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.
Not sure it will help much, though, you seem pretty set on setting her right. You will NOT get anywhere by calling her out.
Strongly suggest thinking differently or it will be a long and destructive next four years.
OP here. I understand and realize that something needs to change. But when I see dd walk into a room full of friends with a grumpy look on her face, sits by herself, and complains later that they were ignoring her...what would you say to that? I'm not being snide here. I really want to know how I am supposed to react!
You say "I'm sorry this didn't turn out to be as fun as you expected. I'm sure that was disappointing."
Anonymous
08/03/2015 15:25
Subject: DD stopped confiding in me...
And by "destructive" I mean cutting herself, drinking and driving, etc... not just being in a bad mood.
Anonymous
08/03/2015 15:24
Subject: DD stopped confiding in me...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Read: How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk.
Not sure it will help much, though, you seem pretty set on setting her right. You will NOT get anywhere by calling her out.
Strongly suggest thinking differently or it will be a long and destructive next four years.
OP here. I understand and realize that something needs to change. But when I see dd walk into a room full of friends with a grumpy look on her face, sits by herself, and complains later that they were ignoring her...what would you say to that? I'm not being snide here. I really want to know how I am supposed to react!
You may want to sympathize with the fact that they were ignoring her, I would have expected her friends to ask "larla, what is wrong" or "larla, are you angry/irritated/ etc...?"
I would assume there is a reason behind her grumpy look on her face and ask her about that and what happened. Whatever you do, don't criticize her for having "a grumpy look on her face." Try to work with what she's feeling and hear her side of the story. She needs to feel like she has someone to confide in, not a critic of her behavior (unless it's desctructive to herself.) If she asks you what she could do differently, then I would offer suggestions.
My mom always assumed my side of the story was "wrong," I was doing things "wrong," and so I stopped communicating with her at an earlier age--unless I could successfully do things Mom's way.
Anonymous
08/03/2015 15:13
Subject: DD stopped confiding in me...
She's not talking because she feels like you are not listening. Don't offer advice or observations unless she wants them. When she does open up JUST listen. Maybe ask a few questions. Don't tell her what to do. She'll start asking for your opinion once she stops feeling judged.